My Story - Advice Welcom

[SunnyD]

Well, I'm new, obviously, and still getting the hang of the abbreviations so I will probably spell a lot of things out. I read the first chapter of Divorce Remedy and am going to pick up the book later tonight or tomorrow. I am hoping to have a phone consultation soon, if I can afford it.

The basics: married almost 20 years; 3 teenagers. Daughter going off to college in fall and 2 boys that are 14 and 16. My husband is in MLC, I believe, and while probably not having an affair as such, has displayed much inappropriateness in relations with other women of late. Facebook friends with some pretty raunchy women and last week, he was texting an old girlfriend talking about how great it was when they had sex...in some detail.

To back things up a bit, about 6 weeks ago he came home from work saying we "needed to talk" and how he basically wanted out. It went from there to him giving our marriage a 40% chance of survival - IF I changed! Nothing about HIM changing, just me. Said he loved me but wasn't in love - didn't enjoy time with me... that I was basically bringing him and the kids down. Everything wrong in our relationship was all my fault. Now, I will give you I have my faults and I see those more clearly now: the things I should've done - should've insisted on we do - to make our marriage better. However, it wasn't like we fought all the time or didn't get along. Our kids didn't suspect a thing in the world was wrong and I was quite blind-sided to say the least. He said we were like 2 roommates and I will say, I kinda agree on that point. Anyway, as the weeks have gone on, things have gone up and down. One minute things seemed to be "fine" and I thought he was coming around that while we have issues, nothing worth leaving over. Then things got worse and he went apt hunting. Now things are somewhat better again. I'm so confused!

So.. when this all first started, my reaction was to cry and say how could you think this way - all the usual reactions. Then I got smarter. I had James Dobson's book, Love Must be Tough, and that helped a lot. It is much like DB in that it tells you that you have to back off, that attempts to pursuade a "trapped spouse" just lead to them wanting further away from you. I basically have told my husband if he wants to go, I have to love him enough to let him go. That love above all, is a choice - free will. I also told him if he wants to seek inappropriate relationships, he should move out. He had emailed me that we could either 1. Divorce 2. Separate and try to date or 3. He could move into our home office while we eached "worked on ourselves". Anyway, after I replied to this in what I felt was "loving toughness" he has not made any other comments about leaving. He didn't even move into the office. He has gone back to sleeping in our bed after several nights of not doing so - even wanting sex. Of course, that was followed by conversations of "that only meant sex". I felt hurt. Then I read on here that it is normal for the disengaged spouse to retreat after moments of intimacy. SO..does that mean I should have sex with him or not??? LOL Again, I'm confused! Now he has gone on a trip to Vegas for a few days and I am actually just acting very disinterested in what he is doing or who he is doing it with. It isn't that it doesn't bother me. I just know that I have to NOT act like I have previously and have enough confidence in myself that I am worth chosing. I am worth coming home to. If he does things in Vegas to further damage our relationship, that is on him and nothing I can do will change that.

The problem is, I don't feel it so much. Yes, I let myself gain weight and now I HATE that. I wasn't getting my emotional needs met for this marriage, so I used food as a substitute. Boy, what depressions will do to kill your appetite. After being a stay at home mom for most of our marriage, I am now looking for a job. The problem is, I am not very employable. Never finished my degree and not a lot of job experience - esp. recent - so it doesn't help. I truly feel though that I gave GOT to do something to GAL of my own, regardless of my circumstances.

My real need right now is to know what to do about specific situations. I don't know how to respond to my husband anymore. He is so self-absorbed, he doesn't even ask about me or what I'm feeling. Doesn't seem to care at all - only about himself. I can't just pretend everything is great and fawn all over him ... yet I can't show the disdain I feel for him right now either! I look at him and HATE the stupid things he is doing: trying to act 21 instead of 41. I feel like I am being sucked into this game I don't want to play. Why can't he just face his issues, man up and admit that he is responsible for our issues as well, and we both address them as adults?! He says I SHOULD have known all this was coming - that he talked to me about certain things that bugged him. Uh - no. Maybe occasionally he would pop off about something but overall, we have never had any deep conversations about any of this stuff that now supposedly drives him insane - to the brink of divorce. As to my faults? Well, yes - I should've been a better housekeeper. Should've budgeted better. Should've kept myself up and looked after my own needs as an individual better. I showed no respect for myself in ways, so why should I expect him to? However, I have always been extremely caring, good hearted, never nagged or fussed, and always tried to give him space to do the things he likes to do. Apparently that wasn't enough.

I know I need help in handling all of this. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions. I hate wondering if I should call him/text him or not call/not text. I hate wondering who he is thinking about or conversing with that is not me. I hate feeling like everything I do is being scrutinized and sized up when HE is the one who is chosing to not work on this relationship. SO, he's not leaving FOR NOW. Yay. That's supposed to be great, right? Why does everything get to be up to him! If it weren't for the 3 kids I might say that he is right because I'm pretty fed up in this marriage myself right now. Although, I know divorce brings up more problems than it solves in most cases. HELP!

[mishka422]

Sunny,

So sorry you are here but you are in the best place to help you get through this.

My #1 piece of advice to you.......Get your own life in order before delving into the convoluted reality your H is currently living in.

Do you belong to a church? Do you have a friend who is completely trustworthy that you can confide in? It's a great comfort to come here and talk with us but you also need RL support.

[SunnyD]

Thank you, Mishka. I appreciate the reply! At first, I told no one. I was sure it was just going to blow over. Then, I broke down and told a friend of mine who lives in another state. That felt safe. It has helped A LOT. I did go to counseling last week through church. It was strange though. I think it's good for me but I don't think it will help much in terms of the M. Everything I've read is right on - that most therapists aren't equipped to really help you through this crisis with the hopes of saving the M! We have gone to our church regularly for the past year but never officially joined. I still consider it my church though. That may be one thing I'm going to change. I have wanted to become an official member. My H has not. I don't want to tick him off, but I want to belong. Well, I have gone to ladies bible class there so it's not like I feel I don't really belong. The weird thing is, my H wanted us all to go to church as a family last night since he was leaving this morning for Vegas. (We have a Sat. night service.) We did - and it was nice, complete with dinner afterwards. I was very careful to be pleasant but not pushy. I just got a text from him, actually, talking about how great Vegas is and asking how my night was... and that "we should come back in July". Hmmmm.... I didn't respond with much other than Hope you're having a nice time...make sure to check out the cool mall.

????

SO strange to be in this place!!!

I appreciate your advice VERY much! I know I need to get my own life. I'm just really unsure of how to do that right now..the practicals of it all. Crazy, I know. Any suggestions????
:-)

[SunnyD]

Well, here it is 12:15am and I can't sleep. All my tough talk and I still am obsessing about it all. I have been reading these forums for HOURS trying to get a grasp on it all. I was too depressed to get dressed and go to the bookstore to get the book. Sad, I know. I am actually glad that my H wasn't home so I could just have the day to myself, so to speak, without worrying about what he was thinking about what I was doing/not doing! So, I think that so far I have mostly handled everything pretty well, all things considered. I saw a couple of lists posted on what to do and not do and I have abided by those in recent weeks for the most part in what I am trying to convey to him. I don't say ILY or initiate a lot of contact. If he initiates, I respond but not overzealously. He has not said ILY to me either recently, but has definitely been the one to pursue any kind of interaction. He called from Vegas after texting me earlier. I was upbeat and offered some suggestions while not getting overly personal. He once again mentioned how WE should go together. (I offered to go with him a couple of weeks ago and he had said no.) He said he was having a great time and I said that's good. He didn't sound like he had been drinking or anything like that - at least not enough to sound like it.

My biggest problem is I am feeling very much alone! I guess that's what I'm here - writing yet again. I do have my friend to talk to somewhat, but of course, no one understands when they haven't been through this. Well, plus other people have lives of their own to get on with. Reading everyone's stories here does help me feel I'm not the only one... I just have to find ways to not feel so dang lonely! I try to sleep - and can't. I spend time with my kids, but they're all teenagers, with plenty of other things to do than babysit mom! Most of my friends are really busy now. It's hard. Summer is when everyone (at least around here) is away on vacations with their families or moms are with their kids... This is the worst time to be going through this kind of crisis. Even my ladies church group doesn't meet during the summer because the focus is elsewhere. Yes, I know feeling sorry for myself doesn't help anything! Guess I'm just venting.

sigh

lol

[elvencat]

Hi, Sunny. I'm so sorry to hear your story. I haven't been married nearly as long as you, but I know the hurt. I have a few comments for you to think about.....

First, a signature will help others kind of get a quick handle on the basics of your sitch. Go to My Stuff, Edit Profile.... Usually people post everyones ages, how many kids and ages, how many years together, how many years married, when the bomb was dropped and anything else you'd like anybody to know right off....

After being a stay at home mom for most of our marriage, I am now looking for a job. The problem is, I am not very employable. Never finished my degree and not a lot of job experience - esp. recent - so it doesn't help.

Have you tried an employment agency? I'm between jobs right now even though I have tons of experience. An employment agency is trying to help me find a good one with hours I can work that will make life easier for taking care of my DD. Many agency offer training and such as well. Most will not charge anything because they get paid from the employers for your services.

He has gone back to sleeping in our bed after several nights of not doing so - even wanting sex. Of course, that was followed by conversations of "that only meant sex". I felt hurt. Then I read on here that it is normal for the disengaged spouse to retreat after moments of intimacy.

Been there. I now know that for my own piece of mind, any attempts by H to initiate intimacy are to be deemed suspicious right now. If the relationship is unstable, all it will be to him is sex, no matter what it feels like to you.

I showed no respect for myself in ways, so why should I expect him to?

You sound so much like me, it's scary. I don't think it's a matter of you beating yourself up over the should've, could've stuff. I'm learning that no matter what I did, this would have happened in our relationship because we couldn't effectively communicate with each other. We didn't know what the other was thinking or feeling, yet we expected each other to immediately know what we were thinking ourselves... as my H also said... "you should have known".. I'm not a mind reader. I never claimed to be, yet he expected me to be able to "read him" like an open book. Yes, improve yourself, but don't take it all out on yourself. Your H did this, too.

I guess I'm still thinking in terms of "I don't want to lose him" rather than in terms of "this is what has to happen for me to want to be with him".

This is a realization I just litterally had 20 mins ago.... when you are paralyzed with fear that he will walk away if YOU do something wrong... think about this... I think this is going to help me tremendously to detach and let go and GAL (Get a Life). It has to happen, or you will make yourself sick with worry.

I still consider it my church though. That may be one thing I'm going to change. I have wanted to become an official member. My H has not. I don't want to tick him off, but I want to belong.

Again.. remember my epiphany from above...

I was too depressed to get dressed and go to the bookstore to get the book. Sad, I know.

I've suffered from Major Depression for years.. be very careful to not let yourself do this too often. It becomes addictive and then you're stuck and have to crawl your way back out. If you want to talk, we're here, but we can't physically give you a kick in the pants. So, you'll need to rely on yourself for that.

My biggest problem is I am feeling very much alone!

I don't know if there is a single person in this community who hasn't felt this way. It's sad that it's so normal. But you aren't going through this alone anymore.

[TimeHeals]

I'm learning that no matter what I did, this would have happened in our relationship because we couldn't effectively communicate with each other. We didn't know what the other was thinking or feeling, yet we expected each other to immediately know what we were thinking ourselves... as my H also said... "you should have known".. I'm not a mind reader. I never claimed to be, yet he expected me to be able to "read him" like an open book. Yes, improve yourself, but don't take it all out on yourself. Your H did this, too.

As Puppy would say, BINGO

[Heartbrknga]

WOW. This is me to a tee, but i'm the H. It has gotten easier over the last 4 months. It still hurts, but I'm GAL and bettering myself. I would love to have my wife back, but I do not and will not have that old life back if that is what it takes to have her back. I will just have to move on with the new, improved me.

[elvencat]

I'm learning that no matter what I did, this would have happened in our relationship because we couldn't effectively communicate with each other. We didn't know what the other was thinking or feeling, yet we expected each other to immediately know what we were thinking ourselves... as my H also said... "you should have known".. I'm not a mind reader. I never claimed to be, yet he expected me to be able to "read him" like an open book. Yes, improve yourself, but don't take it all out on yourself. Your H did this, too.

As Puppy would say, BINGO

Thanks, TimeHeals! I am NOT a morning person, but apparently I do my best thinking after a sleepless night and half a case of Mt. Dew.

[elvencat]

I know I need help in handling all of this. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions. I hate wondering if I should call him/text him or not call/not text. I hate wondering who he is thinking about or conversing with that is not me. I hate feeling like everything I do is being scrutinized and sized up when HE is the one who is chosing to not work on this relationship. SO, he's not leaving FOR NOW. Yay. That's supposed to be great, right? Why does everything get to be up to him! If it weren't for the 3 kids I might say that he is right because I'm pretty fed up in this marriage myself right now. Although, I know divorce brings up more problems than it solves in most cases. HELP!

So.. did you suddenly steal my identity, or did I take yours?

I didn't post on the specifics of what to do with your relationship because I am still learning myself. What I will post on is how to help yourself feel better. You need to figure out a way to stop the train wreck of worry. It still carries me away at times, but when it hits me hard, I do all in my power to stop it. Here's how I attack it, if you like the ideas, great. If not, try to come up with some of your own:

1. Mentally throw up a Stop Sign. I'm a photographer.. very visual person.. this is my way of stopping my thought process in its tracks.
2. I distract my brain with something new... checking out the tv, hopping on the computer to check the weather.. anything but going back to the train wreck.
3. If the train wreck weasels its way back in before my brain is completely distracted... I get physical. Go for a walk, turn on some music and dance... heck I've even encouraged DD to play rough with me just to get the good fun energy flowing.

In short.. in with the good out with the bad. The hard part is recognizing when you need to do it.

[SunnyD]

Thank you Elven, TH, and HBK for your input thus far. I updated my signature - hope I did it effectively enough! I am off for a few appts this morning so don't have time to respond properly, but it helped TREMENDOUSLY to be able to come here first thing and know there is support out there. I hope to be able to support others through all this too! Mornings are hard because when you wake up, it's like the realization comes to you all over again that it's not a bad dream - that this is happening - and you have to face it. Once I get through that first morning feeling, I'm a bit better at not being panicked.

Going to IC today. Doing a few things to take care of myself - including talking to a friend with knowledge about the colleges around here and info about going back to school. :-)