I have a WAW. We're still living together with our little girl. the two momths prior to the D-bomb she began going out with friends, etc (sometimes with our daughter);then there were sleepovers; sometimes without C (Calla). It seemed to me to be "pretend single" as though she was experimenting with seperation. Tried couselling when the bomb dropped. After her solo session, she told me the counsellor told her "you're done and he doesn't get it". She told me she was on the fence but the horrible therapist gave her the validation. She has been totally incongruent in her behaviour. Very talkative about day to day things (no R talk); phoning more than texting now; and adhering to the week on-week of "primary parent" routine. Around the house she is quite considerate and does more 'small things'. In fact, she changed her BB Messenger status tp "Its the little things people do that show how much they care" My problems are many. I've tried to keep to myself and work on finding the old, happy me. Tough to do when your life is imploding. I felt I was in LRT territory so I went with that initially. But now I get the feling that she shes it as uncaring. Am I supposed to still try to be her best friend and be helpful (which only enables her "newly single" bhvr? Feels wrong. Yesterday, after reading the "small stuff' thing I was encouraged but then got hit in the face- she put her wedding ring in a kitchen shelf right beside my vitamins almost like rubbing my face in it. But said nothing. Just put it there. I'm seeing optimism and pessimism every day and quite frankly I'm beginning to confuse myself. I can't afford to phone a DB Counsellor so I'm crying out for some guidance. I'm afraid I'm beginning to give up and that's not waht I want or my daughter needs.
After her solo session, she told me the counsellor told her "you're done and he doesn't get it". She told me she was on the fence but the horrible therapist gave her the validation.
She wants to make it someone else's decision. If she were certain, she wouldn't need IC to validate.
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she put her wedding ring in a kitchen shelf right beside my vitamins almost like rubbing my face in it. But said nothing. Just put it there.
Might not mean a thing. Could have just taken them off to wash her hands or something and set them there.
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I'm seeing optimism and pessimism every day and quite frankly I'm beginning to confuse myself. I can't afford to phone a DB Counsellor so I'm crying out for some guidance. I'm afraid I'm beginning to give up and that's not waht I want or my daughter needs.
Need more info. How many years married? How old are y'all? Any addictions, affairs, abuse? Does she work? Do you?
What's her cell phone usage look like?
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I'm 46; she's 29 on Tuesday (and I'm sweating over how to handle that, too) Been married 3.5 years.We both work. I'm pretty certain of EA since her emotional connection had to go somewhere when it left me. It's almost stereotypical WAW. Love you, not in love, etc. Her cell bill is a hard nut. There is no "logging' of call numbers and she's on a pretty generous plan. I thought of checking numbers for an OM but she spends most of her time with girlfriends with kids. No abuses or addictions. My opinion has always been that when we became pregnant in 07, we had to reno the old house in order to sell to get a more family oriented house. So we were pregnant; I was renovating every waking hour; a new house was under construction; she was soon to be on maternity leave (reduced income); her weight ballooned; etc. We were simultaneously doing almost all of the most stressful things a couple can endure.
Well, tomorrow is her birthday and I think I cam to a solution. I found a "bad realtionship card" but it seemed too apologetic (she's the one behaving like a 19 yr old); obviously a "birthday to wife" would be ridiculous. So, in keeping with a 180, I decided to simply send flowers (I never have; she used to say it was wasteful- but comments when she gets them from co-workers, etc) Simple "Happy Birthday, W. -R" Over dinner today, we were talking about meals for the weak and I asked what she wanted on her birthday. Ready? "I think I'm gonna go to my mom's" Really? on your bithday you will leave your 2 year old and I here and visit your mom? Me thinks the EA may be turning PA and now I'm furious. I did a lot of reading over the last couple days on this site (Thanks Coach, Greek, Puppy and Sandi2) and think I finally got my direction narrowed down only to be hit by this. I mean, I admit I've recently discovered I've been weak on boundaries (constant texting; phone calls are picking up and suddenly require solitude)and I am going to say something but thought I'd let the birthday go by to see if something shakes loose. But, these last few hours have been ridiculous. I know you get more callsnear your birthday but "if its a conversation that can't be had in front of me, it's inappropriate-period"
So, do I have someone follow her to get some film cause I'll need it for the papers I'll be filing sooner than I thought. I know everyone preaches patience but since the D conversation a month ago, though I see positives, the negatives are over the top and I'm feeling like a doormat. After the D conversation, I typed up a seperation agreement based on what we had discussed (no L's, Equitable split of assets, etc. All based on 'anything that adverseley affects the financial or emotional well being of our daughter will NOT happen")She doubted I wrote it; aske dwho helped. I showed her my handwritten notes. So she says she's not 'just signing" I said your supposed to read and we'll edit it so we're both satisfied. She says 'We're getting a mediator" I followed with "that costs money we'd be taking from our daughter' Her- "It's free" I looked. In Alberta it is IF either spouse makes less that 40K. Told her. And Seperation and divorce are two words not spoken since. But her behaviour continues to be erratic. Considerate, talkative and helpful. 30 miutes later something like a secret call; her rings parked convernientlt beside my 'daily' vitamins; and off to mom's on her birthday. Other than taking every opportunity to set boundaries (for both my self respect and shock effect), I'm ready to go ultimatum. My thoughts are- You weren't happy in our marriage. Me either. Difference was I am not prepared to quit. However, the situation we are in now is even worse. So you wanted to divorce the initial marriage. I'm ready to divorce THIS one. If you won't start it, I will. the choices are work with me to build a new one that satisfies both of us or we go our separate ways- except for the weekly turnover of our daughter." I could catch her in a PA, she would be toast. I'd have to borrow from family to offset the loss of her cheques for the bills but at least she'd be out of the house. Sorry everyone, and I know I'm asking for a lot, but I need to get on the true path as soon as possible. I feel like I get the theory but seem to waffle around on certain things. Sandi2- I'm trying to memorize your list from another thread. Thanks.
Forgot something and couldn'r edit last. All I've been trying to do is detach; GAL; try to keep my job despite 'Jello-brain'; care for my little girl; and try to rediscover myself i.e How would I behave if we didn't have these problems and/or I was single again. Can't be touchy or anything cause that's pursuing in my book. I only have 6 other weeks of material I could write about since D-Day so if anyone needs more background, I'll take all the advice and feedback I can get. Thank you all in advance.
So is today her birthday? And you suspect she is NOT spending it with her mother? Wouldn't a call to Mom answer that question? Or a surprise pop over to Mom's later? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Yes, it would. And "how to do that undectected" (my vehicles are easy to spot) came to me last night. Here goes nothing.
If if if you discover that she is lying about birthday with Mom, do NOT confront until you come here for one of the experienced guys - Puppy, Gucci, Rob, Alan ~ to help you go forward with what to do next. They've said a gozillion times on here that you will only have ONE SHOT at confronting and you have to make that count. I would hate for you to blow it in a moment of (justifiable) rage. So don't do anything until you get some counsel.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Thanks, Greek. I'll definitely post either way. I've decided that I'm going to use this thread as a kind of journal. I figure if I just put it "out there" then hopefully I'll get the support and advice I need. I'm second guessing myself too much. For today I just want to confirm if she in fact went to her moms. I'm going to follow her from work in a non-descript vehicle. I want to make sure she's going directly yto moms or stopping "somewhere with somebody' first. BTW, the house smelled like a perfume factory this morning. And she's wearing her 'old favorite' that I got her a year ago.
If you believe all of this is going on, and this is the behavior she's displaying, why on earth would you want to send her FLOWERS on her birthday?
Totally "PURSUING." A funny Shoebox card and a modest, practical gift like a gift card inside of it, that she can use for something, would be my recommendation.
