To recap, at the end of last year my H of 13 years had an affair with an old friend when I was 8 weeks pregnant (planned pregnancy, first child) & when I had moved to the other side of the world to set up our new life. At 12 weeks, he arrived in the country and told me about the affair & how he was leaving me.
He's hung around for the birth to look like the 'good guy', but didn't support me at all during the pregnancy. He told me recently he stayed away from me during this time so I would 'get used to life without him'.
He is leaving to go back and live with OW in Europe in a few weeks. He wants to financially support the child, visit her once a year, and receive photos and Skype (!) with her.
The child is 3 weeks old and I am dissollusioned and angry after giving my H the benefit of the doubt all this time & hoping he would turn around and do the right thing & try to work on our M or stay to help with co-parenting.
He wants her to have his surname - hyphenated with mine. This was the original plan.
Do I go ahead and give her his name?
I know I shouldn't worry about making him or his family angry or pleased. I should do the RIGHT thing.
But what is the RIGHT thing in this situation?
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
However, if you want an opinion, here is my take: Are you keeping his name, assuming you took it when you married? Or do you have your own surname different from H's?
My point being I would give your daughter YOUR last name.
In my case both our kids have xh's last name, so after the divorce I chose to keep his last name (my married name) myself as well, so the kids and I have the same last name.
Maybe that is old-fashioned, but I would like my children and I to have the same last name...
Hi, thanks for responding. I am really in a twist about this and only have a few weeks to decide before I am fined for not naming her yet!
I kept my maiden name when married.
I could give the baby our names hyphenated or just use his as a middle name, or just use mine.
I am really worried about upsetting his family, whose love and support I would like to keep.
I am also really angry at the moment and feel tempted to drop his name altogeather.
Also thinking if I give his name as part of a hyphenation, it might be a more positive way of starting co-parenting, even if HIS version of coparenting (ie. once a year visits + money) is not my idea of coparenting!!
I also just found out it is relatively cheap to change a name later on, but it requires both parents consent.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I also have another suggestion for your consideration. How about two middle names? First name and middle name that you've planned and his surname as the second middle name. Then your surname as baby's last name. Example, Amanda Jane Parker Smith.
That gives your baby a "connection" with her father no matter how he chooses to be involved in the future. But you don't have to deal with all the uncomfortable questions that arise from you having different last names.
Funny, it took me over 20 minutes to compose my reply...interuptions. Then, I see that you've considered my suggestion. Here's the part of my message that I kept changing and ultimately left out.
I think that the most important thing is to not act out of anger. You need to consider how you'll explain all this to your beautiful baby someday. The last thing you want to have to say is I was too mad at your father to give you his name. You've handled this whole situation with too much grace and dignity to let your anger get in the way now.
Besides, the hyphen or middle name idea gives you the flexibility of just calling her by your surname.
As tough as this is, you need to step back and not make a decision out of anger or hurt.
That he has made it clear he won't be there to co-parent her just puts the ball more squarely in your court. I don't think there is a true "right or wrong" here. Just find a solution you will be at peace with.
What would you advise your daughter to do if she found herself in a situation like this someday (heaven forbid)? I have found this strategy really helpful to me a few times.
How about two middle names? First name and middle name that you've planned and his surname as the second middle name. Then your surname as baby's last name. Example, Amanda Jane Parker Smith.
This is my suggestion, as well. It's there. It's legal. And it's also the one most likely to get dropped from the equation except on legal documents, so for practical purposes she'll be Amanda Jane Smith. If things change Parker can be brought back into play, and the lineage is acknowledged, but you're not tied to hearing it on a day to day basis.
