I have been reading posts here on DB for a while and wasn't sure if I should join, but I am in desparate need of help and advice. My H of 12 years left me in early January 2010 and never returned. Said he was unhappy and it was because of me. He said he made a bad decision in marrying me and that we are not right for each other - and it took him years to get up the "courage" to leave. He is a reservist and has been deployed for 2 months now. We do not have any legal documents separating us, but in VA, you are considered legally separated when you stop living together.
Well, he made the decision to leave. I do not want a divorce and I have begged, pleaded, told him I loved him and believed in him and nothing. He ignores me. I have been there for him and his family over the years and he is treating me with total disregard. It hurts and pains me so much to see this man I married, who pursued me vehemently when we were dating, behave like he does not care about me or really anything.
He has a twin sister and baby sister, who is not clode to. Both of his parents are deceased. He has a older brother who lives in a half-way house (another state) that he has never seen (since he was removed from the home) or visited and even acknowledges. He tells me, "don't know him".
My H is a smart and intelligent man, very accomplished, but has issues that he just does not want to deal with. I know I have not been nice 100 % during our marriage, but he even admitted, before going to Iraq, that I am the only one that EVER treated him with so much kindness and love.
I suspect, after seeing him with another woman, that it began as an EA, but not sure if it turned into a PA. Now that he is in Iraq, I have cried everyday this week. He called yesterday and told me that I am being difficult by not wanting to discuss divorce. It is my fault that we didn't get things resolved (divorce/legal separation papers) before he left. I asked him about his dedication to the core values of the military. Why would he divorce without even attempting to see if the R could be salvaged? He says that we will never work as a couple; even alluding that we should sell the house upon his return next year.
He asked me to sign up for Skype so that we can have video chats while he is away. I did a stupid thing and then asked if he planned to speak to "other" people (in an attempt to see about the OW) through Skype and he said "probably". I asked if that would be his family and he said I needed to stop asking questions.
3 weeks ago, he called and emailed me several times when I was out of town and then sent me a mean message asking why I was avoiding his calls and emails. I was not, I just needed to get out of town and did not take charger (by mistake). Then we speak and he is so gentle and kind on the phone, asking where I was because I was not home and saying that I was being mysterious. He said that he cared for me so much, but now, 3 weeks later, he is spouting D again and says he is never coming back. What do I do? Am I in denial? He seems like he knows what he wants to do and maybe I am the one who is not facing the truth...
I am so lost and confused...HELP!!
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Any help or advice and input into my sitch is appreciated... Thanks so very much.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Sorry that you are here. When I first got here, this was posted to me. I found it very helpful:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
RNM - Thank you for the guidelines. Not sure how I will be able to stick to it. Most of friends say that is should be easy to get over my H since he is not here and currently deployed. But they don't really understand. I love him and want our marriage to work.
They tell me to "give it up"..."he says he does not want you". But I made a convenant before God and I am want to remain true to it. Will my H ever come home?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
MLS, There are no guarantees whether your H will come back to you. This is something you can't fix and he must work it out for himself.
Take your own journey during this time and figure out what it is that you want.
Find one or two trusted friends to confide in that are supportive to what you want. As far as the rest of your friends go, the less you share with them about this the less you'll have to listen to as far as their 'advice' on what you should do. Most folks don't like to see you in pain and their solution is for you to just move on.
SA - I am 41 and my H is 49. We do not have children. I am not sure why this is happening and I have been down for quite some time now. With the way he has treated me, I am not sure why I still love and care about this man....
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
My H is suppose to be gone for a little over a year, but since he walked out in January, he can file next January 2011 for divorce. I have a L and I may need to get a new one, because he doesn't seem to want to fight this... I do.
I do not want a divorce and from what I have read on these boards, I should leave all the work up to my H since he wants the divorce. He is suppose to call this evening, so I am not sure what to say because everytime we have spoken, we seem to get into an arguement. Not sure how to handle a conversation with him at this point...
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
