Hi all you of wise words. I haven't posted in a long time, but wanted to reassure those in my shoes 2 years ago that DB can work. It has taken far more patience than I thought and I'm still not completely there, but there is real hope where there hadn't been any at all. H was absolutely going to D in fall '09. H started affair spring '09 & lived with OW 11 mo.
Since I last posted,H has moved back in , slowly, then completely. I guess we are at the piecing it back together stage. Unfortunately, the OW gave him the boot in Oct.(originally July, but she thought she might try again in Oct) because....duh....he wouldn't D me. It only took her 15mo and 3 times pushing him away and returning to get it. I say unfortunately because still in MLC he still craves the fantasy at times. Although most of the time he is in "our life" I still find him not completely committed. He is working trough the mourning depression of losing her and screwing up his and my life. It is better, but there are many times I just want to take the fry pan to his head! Will the depression ever end? Will H ever completely commit to me again. These answers are still to come as I continue to DB with patience wearing thin. I can tell he is still hoping she will change her mind and take him back once again; his band aid for the pain. If OW returns, I will end it and be fine due to the strength I've gained over this time period.
H says that OW just made him feel so good. Yes, but when will he get that it was a fantasy world of no responsibilities or commitments? The very reason she left him is the reason he "loved" her. No responsibility or commitment.
So we've been doing lots of fun stuff together and going all the places we hadn't been able to go because of our mentally disabled son (now in group home). He tells me he is here because I just wouldn't let go, and he couldn't stay away from me. He tells me we've gotten through many hardships in 33 yrs of marriage and we will get through this. That's where DBing paid off.
Any advice on piecing from here and getting through the last stages of MLC would be appreciated.
You have some of the knowledge on this board about the last three stages. It is not easy I will say that. Continue to learn and have lots of patience. You are not home free yet!
I think title sums me up too. This gave me some hope. I am so all over the place about H. Its only been 4 days since I discovered PA and H moved out. That day I would never have thought I would even think about our future. I couldn't admit this anywhere else, but a tiny bit of me still wants to work this out. H was over today and talked about moving home (to save money until we work real arrangements out) I told him I couldn't as long as OW was in picture. I could tell he was thinking that over. I keep telling myself that if we were to fix this, it can't be now. H needs to see what he has lost (because he still goes back and forth about how we got married for the wrong reasons etc) and fix myself. I will work on detaching, GAL and see what happens....and maybe down the road....
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
Thanks, this really resonates and helps me see where we are, where he is. This is him!
Withdrawal may be very active. A man may decide to withdraw into his work. He doesn't need anyone---he just buries himself in endless business that crowds out all chance for feelings, questions, or reflections.
Now I get it and will try not to push this issue. I find it very irritating,for example as I sit here at 7pm once again, and haven't heard a word all day. He works long hours, has phone business nights and weekends,checks work email at all hours, and travels for work constantly.
