Just an update. H has spending a lot of time with me. Talking a lot. Definitely OW withdrawal & depression. We have been talking about him moving home, but he is afraid I will find him boring and I will leave him & he will end up alone. Doesn't even make since. He has "closed the door" on OW and "can't open it again". He is living alone at a buddies house(buddy moved away and can't sell home), but if he moves home he might end up alone because I will leave him. Sounds like depression talk about being worthless and me not accepting him now.
I guess I just need to wait out this phase and not pressure.
LOL, yeah, he said last night he just felt awkward when he had been with her until recently.
I feel comfortable he is just asking for bit of withdrawal & processing time. At least she is gone! I'll just have to be patient for him to feel comfortable moving forward. I'd feel better if he could get to a counselor. With his travel schedule it is near to impossible. He has agreed to go to MC, but we can't find a window of time.
Update: Even though he hasn't seen her for 6wks or more I found out from his email it was not for lack of trying. She has told him to take a hike since he cannot commit to her, returned stuff to his friend's house(where he is living), apparently won't respond to his calls. I need advice on what to do from here. The last email from him was an announcement that he would not contact her again(this is the night before our first MC meeting, but at the end he leaves an open invitation for her. " Let me know if you change your mind about our relationship and I will be waiting for you.I will love you forever...blah, blah, blah" Now is this part of the MLC affair that he can't quite let go of the fantasy, or am I in serious trouble? He didn't say I am now willing to D the wife, which is why she finally wised up. He still wants both in my opinion and when I pulled and she pushed he jumped back to me. But am I just going to have him with one foot out the door?
Just an update. OW refuses to see him since July, but he couldn't emotionally let go all the way. We roller-coastered awhile, with him commiting then telling me he was too guilty to be with me while he still thought about her, then he had a 4 hr phone call to her. I set the boundary of do not contact me unless you are serious about a reconciliation. So he tried to make more contact with her & she dumped him big time when she found out he wasn't D'ing me and still going back and forth with his emotions. Finally she is tired of being OW ( Gee it only took her 18mo). Told him never to contact her in any way, and seems to really mean it this time....was very ugly apparently.
Does the depression ever end? He is only getting worse with self loathing and regrets. Says things like "everybody would be better off with me dead", "I would have been better off if I had never started all this" (YAH THINK!)and "I am a failure at everything". Very worrisome from a highly arrogant, previously confidant kind of guy. Of course the OW depression is big as well. He's asked me to go to our beach house for Thanksgiving, says like the book by Harley, Surviving an Affair, that I got him to read that we need to start spending lots of time together to regenerate those feelings. Says he failed with her because he still loved me the whole time and couldn't ever commit to her. My counselor says it's probably time to try to work on the relationship since he finally seems genuinely ready. He has started seeing the daughters and his family again. Please tell me we are nearing the end of all this!
Thanks for clarifying. It's hard to see from so close into it. He won't see his IC (who is a jerk anyway) so I fear it will take forever for him to find all his answers all by himself.
As far as me. I am as strong or stronger than I have ever been in my life. I can distance myself from the garbage and look from an eagle eye view. I'm better than I have been in a very long time with tons of friends and activities (he even commented that he doesn't have any friends anymore like I do; 'cause he's not the man they all knew.) I've lost 40lbs and go to the gym regularly; look great and feel great!
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Are you willing to take him back in ANY condition?
This is the part that really bothers me. What kind of man am I getting back? I see the great guy I used to know peering out, but he's still not completely honest like he used to be and still "not all there"
My problem is judging how much reconciliation is OK at this stage and how much contact to have. Leaving him completely alone doesn't quite fit, but how much is too much and how much is not enough. It seems the more we are together the more I see the "old H". He seems to remember the way he used to behave; but I don't see enough of the behaviors towards me of appreciation. He says he's sorry he's screwed up everything, but still can't completely shake the fantasy dream of a "better life". Says he's afraid he'll always wonder what could have been with her. He's still confused, so the fog hasn't yet lifted completely.
