Hi all! Thanks for all the input. I've decide to put all contact with H here so you guys can help me decide how to react. From reading others sitch's I'm not sure how much contact I should allow. He seems to be wanting more at times, then goes back in is tunnel.
Yesterday,H called while I was driving back from the beach( ~7hr trip). I subtly made sure he knew I had stopped over at our favorite restaurant for lunch on the way out. 180-I've never felt comfortable going out by myself. Also was mysterious about the plans for the rest of the day and what time I would be returning.
He called to clarify some things about S20. Plenty of pleasant talk, then, from me"I am hear and need to go" .
Today:H was going to visit S at group home for the first time, so I figured he wouldn't show up today. He calls and asks if I can get some things S had requested ready, he is on his way to pick them up. When he arrives he approaches me and hugs me briefly. Then almost flies to the other side of the room in defensive posture. Talks about everything he has done to the house since I left(we are renovating in hopes of sale, w/ or w/o D,in the spring)Then his usual asking if he can help with anything. Finds excuses to stay longer. Makes sure I notice the yard work and all he did.
How do I feel about all this? It took me 9 mo to get this far. I don't want to blow it! My intuition says let him cake-eat a little. Right or wrong one of his problems was me having to spend so much time dealing with mentally ill S and 2 D's (22,19)issues. So he is looking for my time. That is one reason I haven't gone totally dark for a long time. Dim has worked.
I have been trying to nc some, but not efficiently enough. I do not call or contact him unless needed about S, finances or maintenance issues. However he contacts me much more often, and I find it hard not to respond. He always has a "reason", but like yesterday he called while I was traveling to see if I needed anything at Walmart??? I answered the call because we had been deciding things about his trip to see S earlier. Then he said:"I will not be calling back" What?
He also always tries to make it seem as if he is not going over to see OW. See all this work I did,so I'm supposed to conclude he didn't have time to go see her. Whatever, there are many hours in the day, and he is not mowing the lawn after dark!
So, those that have been here,where they are coming around,but still no R talk, how do I communicate that I'm trying to get on with my life w/o pushing him away? When he left today he said he'd call if he got lost. I said "don't" intending don't get lost. He said very hurt "you don't want me calling you?" sigh
I've decide to put all contact with H here so you guys can help me decide how to react. From reading others sitch's I'm not sure how much contact I should allow.
This is good. When you postpone 'reacting' and think about it, it becomes a 'response'. (a wise person, not me, said this!) As for how much contact to allow....another wise person told me that is up to how much can you handle.
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When he arrives he approaches me and hugs me briefly. Then almost flies to the other side of the room in defensive posture.
Sometimes it is hard not to giggle at their antics, isn't it?!?
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So, those that have been here,where they are coming around,but still no R talk, how do I communicate that I'm trying to get on with my life w/o pushing him away? When he left today he said he'd call if he got lost. I said "don't" intending don't get lost. He said very hurt "you don't want me calling you?" sigh
You communicate it by DOING it. He is watching and will look for reassurance. I have a canned response: You know where I stand. (I have written and spoken many times: I will not have a relationship with you while you are involved with OW.) Your H is wanting reassurance. I know how you feel about not wanting to push him away but also reassure a bit. It's a tightrope, and you will get better balance with practice. I doubt one response from you will alter the course, so follow your gut based on how well you know your H and what you have learned here.
Last edited by WhatNow; 06/13/1006:03 PM.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Haven't posted for a long time because I went on vacation, did a good bit of NC, then it seemed we were entering a new phase.
My IC had me discuss some boundaries with him which seemed to be a catalyst for him to move towards R talk.
A week later he told me he wanted to reconcile and needed to decide how to tell OW. He left a day later for 10 day business trip to Europe, returning theis past Wed. evening. He came straight from the airport, having been up 22 hours to take myself and D20 out for her birthday. We had a nice evening topped of by a family late night swim.
We spent Sat. evening and all day Sun together working around the house, enjoying breaks in our pool, and having dinner together. Our discussions resulted in him expressing fear I wouldn't be able to take him back. Upon reassurance he told me he didn't deserve me and I didn't deserve him. Sunday evening he told me he had a discussion with the OW this past Fri & told her he felt his place was with me. He confessed that while in Europe he had looked at tickets to fly me over, but they were too expensive for a weekend. Said he thinks of me, not her when he is away.(he travels a lot)
I asked if he had a plan for R and he said no plan or time frame. He knows he needs IC, (he had been going earlier, but is planning on starting w/ someone new because the old one didn't seem to be a good match)and wants them to help guide him. Seems he is dragging his heels on that, but he travels at least a few days every week.
He also asked if my intention would be for him to come home and back in my bed. Said my answers reassurances of forgiveness helped him further his decision.
My questions now are: 1)I know he is still MLC, He wants my trust, but understands he hasn't earned it. How much slack do I give him in this phase? 2)Do I still limit contact? 3)How much pressure if any, do I make towards a final break with this woman? I did let him know I understood how hard it was, but I needed a 100% break before I could commit emotionally. 4)How is it best to proceed?
OK I will give you my opinion. As long as there is an OW he is still in replay. He has not yet done the work to look inside himself. His R with the OW is not bringing him happiness and he is looking back to you to try to find it. You in effect are becoming the NEW OW. This is not where you want your M to go. Proceed with caution. IMHO all is not as how you think it is. He must get rid of the OW, go through OW withdrawal, depression stage and then withdrawal stage. Finally there would be acceptance. Once he enters depression stage you can start the rebuilding phase. Right now I would keep you boundaries in place, watch, wait and listen.
I am walking the same tightrope at the moment. My H told me he "was living alone now" last month. I have been a wee bit more available but still no R talk. I do not believe he is done w/ her yet.
I agree your H is still in replay. He is starting to see what he has done. The realization could send him into depression or it could send him into more replay. This could just be normal cycling behavior with in replay.
He will need to go thru OW withdrawal which could take awhile. There may be multiple break-ups. Stay out of this! Otherwise, the bouncing back and forth is bad.
If he brings up R talk, assuring him the door is open, BUT you are moving forward and there will be no R with you as long as OW is in the picture will help him break away. End the talk there. (I have been advised to use the moving forward vs moving on to show the door is still open but I am living my life, not putting it on hold) Stay your course for the moment. Let OW apply all the pressure.
Keep posting!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I agree your H is still in replay. He is starting to see what he has done. The realization could send him into depression or it could send him into more replay. This could just be normal cycling behavior with in replay.
I think we've been here before back in the winter. He got real depressed, started to break away from her and she sucked him back in. That's why I'm more encouraged this time. He seems to be finally getting it. He says he knows he has to be free of her to deal with the MLC, but , hey he's in MLC...who knows what he is really thinking/doing!
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He will need to go thru OW withdrawal which could take awhile. There may be multiple break-ups. Stay out of this! Otherwise, the bouncing back and forth is bad.
I hear you. I want to be sure he's really done before I do anything! It's hard not to hope it is the beginning of a new phase.....without her. He is reconnecting with his best friend this weekend, who has been firm that he doesn't approve of this and his brother in 2 weeks who has also taken the same stand with H. He has been avoiding them before this. Also made the supreme effort to see D for her birthday, which he hasn't done that much(seen her that is)Is that signs of moving out of replay?
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Stay your course for the moment. Let OW apply all the pressure.
Depression exists through out the MLC. MLCers use OW and other running behaviors to 'band-aid' it and to avoid facing it. The depression stage is where he actually faces what he has been running from in replay. RCR explains it best at midlife crisis marriage advocate .com :
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Depression in midlife is not an external problem. It is about issues within one’s Self. Replay is Covert Depression, a running away from the self manifested through anger and external blame, as well as a variety of self-medications; affair, drugs, alcohol, risky behaviour, spending, new friends and activities, often an interest in exercise and an obsession with youth and aging. It is a monster that feeds itself. I don’t want to feel despair and hopeless or face my demons (Overt Depression) so I’m going to drink, party and have an affair. I’m bad, I have tremendous guilt. I’ve cheated on my wife...this just can’t be fixed. He adds another demon to the Overt Depression he’s avoiding and run further away at an even faster pace. Covert Depression is a self-medication taken in an attempt to avoid Overt Depression.
It does seem he is reconnecting. It is my understanding they do this backwards from when then disconnected. You are last. Be careful about having expectations! Hate to be a debbiedowner but this could just be cycling. My H went from a 3 month cycler to a 1 monther to a 2 week cycler now...he connects for a week then disappears for a week. 8)
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Hi SA, I can trace things back to at least spring of 2007. Unfortunately I can only see it looking back and was unaware of what was going on until fall 09 with bomb. I believe EA began in earnest sometime in 08 or early 09.
WN, Spent last evening reading at midlife crisis marriage advocate .com Some interesting and depressing stuff there.
Saw IC today. Been working with her since bomb. She is encouraged by what H is saying and doing, but like you all, advising cautious optimism. He did call from CA last night just to chat. Not done that in a long time.
