Hate to be a stickler at this point, but could it be that to your W all she's doing is going back to her H? Yeah I get all the abuse, etc. But maybe that's her mentality right now.
From all the writings you found in the past, her thinking is all over the place. In terms of busting their relationship, what moral ground would you be able to stand on.
I mean you really can't threaten her H because they are legally married. And any legal action you try to take isn't going to do anything because from all viewpoints, you are the OM. It's not fair, but it's the truth.
I guess the dynamic in your sitch is really different. Right now it seems like the only thing holding you two together are your kids. Start there.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Things keep getting more and more interesting. Spoke to WAW FTF several times today. We had to take DD to a Doctors Appt, and made use of a "smoke break" twice. Then again when I had to drop the kids so I could go to class, then a final time when she brought them home.
Without getting into a epic length thread of detail, we had a good convo this AM , and two more decent ones after that. She's either an Academy Award winning actress or she's being sincere and there in is the rub, its REALLY hard for me to tell.
I told her I knew everything that was and had been going on with the EX, even though she tried to explain away the obvious hickey as from a Hackey Sack, I didnt challenge her on the BS explanation. I told her I found the "rough draft" of the letter she had written to him mentioned in the earlier post. She didnt outright deny it, but said she didnt remember writing it, which, given her bizzarely eratic state of mind could easily be true.
I also told her I found the diary she wrote to me in the hospital about how she was feeling back in October and simply said I couldnt understand why she never gave it to me. She seemed really sad about that and just shrugged her shoulders and a couple tears spilled out, she really seemed genuinely sad about that. I also told her that I knew that she was honest about her feelings when writing, and that it was clear she didnt want this to happen, but it did and now we have to deal with it.
Later she told me she feels trapped, caught between two equally bad choices for her. Claims the EX is having her watched ( I asked her if she always needed to have an "escort" with her to come around me, she said yes she was being watched. Admitted that the EX's Mother is holding their two twins and the extensive visitation she has been getting lately over her head.
Says the EX constantly grills her about where she's been, who with, etc. Something like the conditions he established for her to be there or to get his help. She said she does want my help financially, doesnt even have money to feed the kids, buy diapers, etc, and wont get her first unemployment check for another two weeks. Said she really cant do much of anything under the current conditions( no vehicle of her own and no money) and has to "bend to the will of everyone else" for now. And I KNOW that grates on her nerves, because she was always VERY strong willed.
Acknowledged DYFS has ordered her to undergo a psych eval and home inspection and didnt get mad at me for it. She still says she "lost everything " when we seperated, even though I've told her more then once its all right where she left it. She admitted she's depressed, but has to wait for a snafu in her insurance to get straightened out before she can get meds for it. She really does look beaten down,despondent, hopeless, etc. I think she's being straight when she says she feels trapped and doesnt know what to do or is afraid of either my or the EX's reaction.
I told her it made me sad that she felt she had no choice but to put up with such treatment. Something I NEVER would have expected her to tolerate. This guy is NO prize, I dont think any physical abuse has happened yet, but the control is certainly there. The old WAW would have told me to go pound sand if I ever tried to control her like what she says she is enduring now.
Our last talk she even stated, " I had issues's with him before, and now look where I am " I responded with " yes, and its happening again" WAW said, but not like it was before"
I dunno, it just strikes me that she is really afraid of something, either him, my reaction to the vindictive things she's done to me over the last two months, not being able to see her twins , something is holding her in place.
Obviously I want to put my family back together, but this is beyond that now, simply as someone that cares about her very much, I actually am worried for her well being and maybe even her safety. She strikes me as having the " deer in the headlights " syndrome going on. To afraid to take ANY action, but knowing she's about to get run over in the process.
She certainly isnt acting like someone thats giddy and happy about her sitch and her options , or like she's found the relief she was searching for by walking away from us.
Forgot to add, she said she wants to meet with me tommorrow evening at my Dad and StepMoms house, which is close enough to where she is that she can plausibly ride her bike there, eliminating her having to rely on him for a ride or having to explain anything more then she's going for a bike ride.
I guess maybe the "best" outcome would be she fails her psych eval or home inspection and I get the kids full time, which would at least give her a plausible "out" if she really does want to take it.
The best outcome would be she finds you attractive and can't wait to be you.
Next time she tells you how life sux over at the new place just agree. You argued with her and she defended her decision. Stop trying to put the puzzle together and let her decide. Do you see how weak and clingy the OM is? Do you also recognize she sees you the same way? How you gonna handle that?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The best outcome would be she finds you attractive and can't wait to be you.
Next time she tells you how life sux over at the new place just agree. You argued with her and she defended her decision. Stop trying to put the puzzle together and let her decide. Do you see how weak and clingy the OM is? Do you also recognize she sees you the same way? How you gonna handle that?
Good point as always Coach. I can certainly see how he appears. And I have to say it really burns me that this POS has her under some sort of coercion to the point she doesnt feel a way out. That is, IF she's being honest about how she feels about her current sitch. I doubt she would EVER admit it, but my gut is telling me she submitted to sex with him, not really wanting to, but feeling she had to, and now feels humiliated or "dirty" or maybe "whorish" I really think she felt that desperate, she actually said she couldnt allow herself to become homeless. Which leads me to believe she would have done anything demanded of her to avoid that, even if there where other less humiliating options available to her.
Oh yea Coach, I forgot to add one other thing. She said this afternoon that her current sitch, even with all she has to endure, was in her mind the "lesser of two evils" direct quote. So it would seem in her mind , I wounded her so deeply with my ignoring her that she would rather endure what she is now then risk her trust or heart with me. Dont know how that factors in to validating that her current sitch sucks if she viewes us being together as worse.
Just keep trying to push forward I suppose Bond. She knows Im in school for a new job, have a new house that I can afford on my own ( less pressure for her to be working ), etc. We had a pretty decent talk yesterday morning when I was dropping off the kids on my way to class, actually talked for a good bit of time.
Funny as hell that she actually said some of the same things you guys and the DB/DR books do. Basically she said to be " real" instead of "phony". Dropped a couple of vague, non specific hints that we could possibly reconcile, but it will take quite some time and her BS detector is set on super sensitive.
Would go into more depth, but gotta run. Need to meet a contractor at the new house shortly, DD wants to help paint her room and I have to get her to her mom by 12 noon and I have a TON of work to get done and moved in by next Thursday !!
Got a call out of the blue from a friend, closest thing I've had to a sister and someone thats known both me and the WAW for our entire relationship. When everything first blew up she was firmly on the WAW's side. But last night she had done a complete 180 and was empathizing with ME ! Saying she knew WAW was a compulsive liar, was pissed with WAW for putting the kids thru this, was pissed with WAW for sucking her into her drama, felt I was a victim of emotional abuse from the WAW for the last several years.
She pointed out that WAW is well known for being a " drama queen", as a means to get attention and "pity parties" on a regular basis. Sis was really saying a whole lot of things that were really insightful and on point, but I have to admit Im a bit suspicious about her motives, considering she was firmly in the WAW camp 6 weeks ago. I know this because things I said to Sis in confidence almost immediately got back to WAW. So I kept my guard up somewhat.
"Sis" said she is fed up with WAW. Says she still loves her, but is fed up with her behavior and doesnt care if they are best friends anymore or not. Says WAW wont call her because WAW knows she wont be able to BS "Sis" and Sis will "give it to her " straight, to the point and call her out on what she's doing and has done.
Sis was PISSED at WAW for being so crass as to invite OM and his family to OUR daughters Bday party at my Dad and StepMoms house. Was also PISSED at my folks for even considering agreeing to such a thing. Thats right, WAW has announced that OM and others from his family will be attending OUR daughters Bday party and MY families house !
According to WAW, her former MIL is poised to sign over custody of their twins to her and if she has to kiss @ss and do things or agree to things she doesnt want to do to get custody of the twins then thats what she'll do.
REALLY difficult to decide what to do here. I can have another party for DD at my mothers house on another date and decide to NOT show up at my Dad's house for DD party. And thats really what I feel like doing TBH. But I know if I am a no show for DD's party where OM will be present, that WAW will spin it in her mind as I couldnt "suck it up " and "be a man " long enough to be there for DD and make sure she has a great day, because Im being "selfish" about MY feelings about the sitch and having OM shoved in my face.
Part of me says go do the party, make sure DD has a great day and act " as if " and show WAW that her pettiness doesnt phase me a bit. But the other part of me says proceeding with the party as planned will only show the WAW that she can continue to treat me like dirt and I'll still be around.
Sis also pointed out that if WAW REALLY wanted to save our R, she would have and certainly could have called a counselor and made the appointment on her own. Which is certainly true, but Sis and I and others know that WAW simply doesnt have the intellectual capacity to think along those lines. She's NOT a "stupid" person, but she has very little education, barely finished her GED, doesnt read much of anything, etc.
Sis said its obvious that WAW actually is "addicted" to being "miserable" and the attention she gets from it.
Sis pointed out something that happened Xmas 2001. I had gotten WAW a star in her name thru the International Star Registry. Thought it was really romantic, wrote in a card about how "her star" would always be a guiding light to find my way home, etc. Really sappy stuff right ? But still thought it was very romantic.
Sis was at our place when she opened it and lets just say that WAW's reaction was FAR from enthuisiastic, more like " oh, thats nice". Sis said the look on my face from WAW's reaction to the gift broke her heart. Dont really know why I put that last paragraph in there, guess Im babbling now.
OASN, my Doc has me on Paxil. Have been for the last three days. Everyone I talked to said it would take a couple weeks to kick in, but I noticed physical effects almost immediately. Get really sleepy and kind of loopy about an hour after I take it at night, sleep straight through instead of tossing and turning all night and getting up at 4AM, feel kind of "buzzed" first thing in the morning. Maybe its nothing more then a placebo effect, but it seems like my moods are more "steady". Still get "blips" up and down in my feelings, but they're more speed bumps then huge peaks and valleys. Anyone have any personal experience with Paxil ?
Quick question, one Im pretty sure has been answered before, Im not trying to be obtuse, just dont have the time to go back thru all 15 pages of my thread and search, I have to get going, should have been over at my new place painting already today, but I saw puppy or Coach in another thread say something about most WAW's want the LBH to "fight" for the R, despite what they say. So the question is, how do I "fight" for the R ? How do I "lead" ? From what I understand, WAW's current sitch is FAR from "bette" then what we had, other then the fact that she see's her twins ALL THE TIME now. This came up the other day, and she said "I've put others before my kids before and I REFUSE to do that anymore!"
"Others" referring to how WAW felt about her putting ME and how I felt or did or didnt want to do concerning OUR kids. Maybe she really felt she did, at the very least she has herself convinced she did, whether its accurate or not is irrelevent, its her perception that matters.
So in a way, the current sitch is the worst it could be, because the twins are 15. I cant conceive of her sitch getting to the point that she would come back to OUR family while the twins are minors. I always had a sneaking suspicion that any reconciliation would have to wait until her kids with OM are 18. And even if thats not the case, my new house is only a 2 bedroom, so I wouldnt have room for everyone even if she came crawling back next month.
And since she was so upset about our moving around alot and her desperately wanting to establish "roots" and "stability", I have a funny feeling that offering to move to a bigger house would just further validate her feelings that Im not "stable"
