I've been looking here for a while. Here's my story. It all really started back at Christmas. We had a long talk about us and where we were. I had found some text messages that I didn't think were apprioate. Everything seemed good until 2/19/2010, when I again found some text that I didn't like. The wife finally told me she was unhappy and didn't know what she wanted. Took off her ring. On 2/22/2010, I started the Love Dare. Didn't really put my heart into it the first 34 days. On March 13, finally made her talk to me, said she wasn't happy, didn't love me, and wanted out. Said she had checked out on our marriage. I refocused on the Love Dare and started over. Put my whole heart into in my the next 40+ days. On May 23rd, she told me she wanted a divorce. It was time to move on. Said I was pressuring her, which I was, that is what the Love Dare does. No other talk about D until June 3rd. Still says she wants out. She still talks, has not moved out or upstairs, still sleeps in same bed, still is naked in the bathroom in the mornings. I have read DR and I really making moves to find myself, GAL, becoming happy and doing stuff for me. Read the 5 Love Languages. Yes, I was away off on her language. Quality Time-Conversion. I wouldn't really listening or talking to her. I was doing services for her, but when she was unappreiative, I would get pissed off and be resentful. She has started calling me and texting more. I don't call or text her unless she does first.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
I love this women with all my heart, I've been far from perfect. Thought I was. I've learned a lot over the last 3 1/2 months. I've come a long ways no matter the outcome. I know a lot of areas to work on and I'm doing that. I have found that I've got to be happy first. I'm trying my best to be her friend, give her space and let her sort through what is going on in her mind and heart. Not pushing, not talking about R, us, D, or the future. I will not move out of the house or bedroom. I can't take that step, I don't want that at all, and will not put myself in that position. I don't think is has had a PA, EA yes, he would listen to her and talk to her, I wasn't giving her what she needed there. I have got to keep a level head, correct the things I can, not pressure her, and try to listen, talk, and interact with her in a way to start filling her love tank.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
The Love Dare = pressure. Take note everyone lurking. Not the right tool for the job.
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I've been far from perfect. Thought I was.
Confidence = good, lack of knowledge = not good. You really have to learn, listen and observe how different men and women are and stay on top of this.
Autopilot = bad, Hands on flying = good
Keep posting, ask questions, and post on others threads.
Welcome to the club you never wanted to be in.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Don't really know about the EA. Snooping wasn't helping at all. There is nothing that I can do or say that will change that for the good, so I stopped. May not be the right move, but for me it is the best move. I know what I need to do different, I know what I need different, I just need her to give us the chance to make this M work. I have changed some things (for the me and for the better person I want to be), doing 180s, GAL.
Your right, never wanted to be here, but from what I have seen and read, under the situation that I am in, I'm glad that I have found it.
Last edited by Hea; 06/08/1006:21 PM.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
I just need her to give us the chance to make this M work.
Do you really want the chance? Do you love your wife and family enough to do what works? Do you respect yourself enough to not waste more of your life in a unhappy marriage?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I just need her to give us the chance to make this M work.
Do you really want the chance? Do you love your wife and family enough to do what works? Do you respect yourself enough to not waste more of your life in a unhappy marriage?
Yes, I want this to work with all my heart. I love her and my kids with everything I got. I have done a lot of soul searching, self helping and reading here. I am ready to put the work into it to make this work. I don't think she is, I don't know that she every will be. I will be able to look in the mirror and say I did all I could to make it work. I know what I need to move forward, I'm tired of being unhappy, if we cant't be happy then yes, I am ready for a change.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
Some questions: 1. When she brings up divorce, how should I response. I don't want it, I don't want her moving out or up, but I want her to find what she needs to find. I don't want to pressure her. 2. She is wanting to sell our house, I could afford it, it would be tough, but I would make it. If we do get a D, I at least want my kids to have some thing solid, and also for the hope that she realizes what she is doing. Joint Custody. 3. How can I get her to stop and give us a chance. I understand that what I tought was Quality Conversion was not. I have got to listen and I've got to open her to her with my feelings and thoughs. I am really working on this. 4. I want to take our kids to the beach for the 4th of July weekend. How do I approach this. I don't want her to feel like she isn't invited, I dont want her to feel pressured, but I do want to continue our tradition of spending the week at the beach and fireworks.
Last edited by Hea; 06/08/1006:39 PM.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
I don't think she is, I don't know that she every will be.
If she is having a EA she never will be. All your changes, while great for you, will be for naught when it comes to saving your marriage.
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I will be able to look in the mirror and say I did all I could to make it work.
Some guys on here say the same thing but can't really follow thru on that. You will have to open your mind, be willing to try uncomfortable things, challenge some dysfunctional beliefs, and not worry what your wife says to you. Let you in on a couple of secrets - her anger is your friend and you want her spewing at you.
DBing when dealing with a EA/PA is different than just dealing with a WAS. All the 180s, GAL, goals, detaching etc are great but not as effective when dealing with a A. You have to gain her respect back first. You do that by standing up for yourself, your family and for her. You have to be ready to handle it and you have to be sure because she will deny it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Some guys on here say the same thing but can't really follow thru on that. You will have to open your mind, be willing to try uncomfortable things, challenge some dysfunctional beliefs, and not worry what your wife says to you. Let you in on a couple of secrets - her anger is your friend and you want her spewing at you. DBing when dealing with a EA/PA is different than just dealing with a WAS. All the 180s, GAL, goals, detaching etc are great but not as effective when dealing with a A. You have to gain her respect back first. You do that by standing up for yourself, your family and for her. You have to be ready to handle it and you have to be sure because she will deny it.
Please explain further. Thought the goal was not to push?? Give them space to figure things out?
Last edited by Hea; 06/08/1007:21 PM.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
Space, time, no pressure all is good. If she is having a affair it is bad - she keeps feeding her in-love feelings, you lose self-esteem and your family loses.
Boundaries about your wife spending time, money, love, affection, energy, and family resources on another man. Boundaries are about her behavior. A boundary is not a ultimatum, it's not pressure and not a push. It's a choice on how you let someone else treat you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
