Yesterday I got confirmation that my H is in a "relationship" with OW and I am so upset, I know I've done all the wrong things. I decided to make it very clear that I wasn't being quiet about this and was talking about it with others.. namely the OW herself. I knew in my gut he was telling her lies about how we were living (still sharing a bed, though I'm trying to move out) and how I was behaving toward him. Here's what I posted this morning. I know it's long, so bare with me, but I really need some help on what I should do next.
So H tells me he wants to talk to me and that his therapist told him to be honest with me and that he was following her advice. He told me he'd just started a relationship with OW just a few days go (yeah right) and that it hadn't been going on anywhere near as long as I thought. I kinda lost it because in the midst of him telling me he was being honest, I knew he wasn't. After a lot of doing stuff that I knew I shouldn't, I left the room and called a friend. We had a nice long talk, but I was still ticked off and couldn't keep myself from saying stuff to him before bed.
This morning, I got on facebook and went to snooping. OW changed her relationship status to "In A Relationship" and posted a status update from this past Tuesday night that said "I've found the love of my life..." I lost it. Confronted husband, he said he had no idea she'd posted that. She called right in the middle of this convo and he wouldn't answer his cell phone. I asked him if she knew everything about us, and he said "yes". So I said, fine, I'll make sure she knows. And since I know she won't answer my caller id, I'll send her a message on Facebook. He didn't think I'd do it, but he said, whatever.
I'll post the facebook convo in the next message, but suffice to say he hadn't been telling her everything. He called his Mother! to tell her he was angry about the info I posted, and of course she told me. So I think OW gave H an earful, but I also think he's trying to smooth it over again.
So, I don't know how badly I screwed up, but I finally told my husband that I want at least 6 months of living together as a family, and attending marriage counseling, before I'd even consider signing divorce papers. He said he'd think about it, but that he thought it would be stupid because I'd just want 6 months more after that. I told him that depended on how the counseling went and how we felt about things after the 6 months.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
ME: did you conveniently forget that the love of your life is still married and you shouldn't post info on an affair on the internet? .
OW: June 6 at 3:31pm Report i haven't forgotten anything and i didn't post info on any affair. i never mentioned a name or marital status about "the love of my life." you inferred all of that yourself. .
ME: June 6 at 3:40pm no. I didn't. H told me.
ME: June 6 at 3:41pm unless of course you are two timing him? .
ME: June 6 at 3:42pm and you did change your relationship status to in a relationship. And as long as H is married to me, you are having an affair with him. Not a legitimate relationship. .
ME: June 6 at 3:46pm And until he told me yesterday that he'd agreed to have a "relationship" with you, we were sleeping in the same bed and he was holding me at night, and I was holding his hands to keep him from hitting himself. . [NOTE: H has schizophrenia and self-inflicts sometimes when he is severely stressed.]
ME: June 6 at 3:48pm and I was going to sleep elsewhere last night and DD cried her eyes out and didn't want me to leave. I don't want to leave either. H has been in my life so long. And now there is a 3 yr old to worry about, too. .
OW: June 6 at 4:28pm Report I am aware that you have crawled into bed with [H] a few times since you "moved out." I am also aware that the majority of nights you have slept alone or with DD. You seem to be missing the big picture here. H is not in love with you. He does not want to be married to you anymore. Even if he and I weren't involved, he wouldn't want to remain with you. You cannot save a relationship unless BOTH people are willing, and he is not. He is done. He has moved on. You should do the same. .
ME: June 6 at 4:32pm You should get your facts straight. H and I have been sharing a bed for a long time. We have only slept a few nights alone or with DD, usually when I'm at my parents. I moved to the other house two weeks ago for one night. And H asked me to come home. He has had sex with me twice in three weeks, both times initiated by him. He lied to you when he said he told me he asked my to come back last October just for DD. He told me he'd work on the relationship, but he continued to see you. Then in March, he promised... PROMISED... not to become involved with anyone unless and until our divorce was final. He broke the promise. You want to know what's really going on, you need the perspective of someone other than him who knows. .
ME: June 6 at 4:34pm I think you're helping him along in the idea that he doesn't want this relationship, and I think you also made it "clear" to him that I'm "controlling" him... did you ever think that maybe there was a second side to the story and you didn't know the whole picture? .
ME: June 6 at 4:36pm You want him to be moved on. You need to back off and let me save my family. But then, based on your own experience, walking away did wonders for you, right? . {NOTE: OW left her H without attempting reconciliation and moved in with her family. She feels she is "cinderella" at their beck and call and they never help her with anything.}
ME: June 6 at 4:48pm H will miss his daughter very much. I will miss H very much. H and I have problems we need to work on, yes. But he still cares for me, and having a family stay together is more important that taking it apart. He thinks he's tried because he feels I didn't listen to him. And now that I understand that, you are there to tell him he has somewhere to go where he doesn't have to do any hard work himself. I want my husband and my family. I'm sorry you hate your life, but that is no reason to latch onto someone else who has other commitments.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I also posted my own status update on facebook. A very generic comment about how some women need to stay out of other people's relationships and find guys who aren't already married.
H lost it because, according to him, he didn't need any harrassment from my family. I told him that #1, they won't harrass him because they'll talk to me if they have questions, and #2, why should I worry about reactions to my post when he was the one who made the decision to have an affair before our marriage was through?
And his sister "liked" my comment. I know he is ticked at her now. I didn't mean for that to happen because I knew his sister was trying to stay neutral, but she kinda jumped in without me knowing she would. Feels good to have her backing me up though.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I've been reading through other's posts and am afraid I must have missed the part about having an exposure script in any of them. I will definitely watch for your advice. Thanks.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
June 7 at 1:31am Report You're issues with {H} are truly with him, not with me. It is clear to me that you will continue to believe what you want to believe, and that's your prerogative. I am not a moron. I do understand that there are at least two sides to every story and that I've only been hearing his...which is exactly why I haven't passed any judgments or tried to "steer" {H} in any direction. {H} is his own person, with his own thoughts and feelings. He doesn't need me to or anyone else to think for him. I understand that you know what you want. You are very vocal about it. Maybe you should try actually listening to and thinking about what he wants. Lastly, you don't know me and I don't know you. Please quit throwing around half-baked insults about my life and my choices.
Any ideas on a response? And I just told H what I thought of him spending the whole day at another woman's house while his daughter has been asking for him all afternoon. He didn't like it and actually yelled at me, which is the first time I've ever seen an emotional response to that extent. So I'm hoping I'm doing the right thing in pushing him out of his comfort zone, the one in which all he can answer is I Don't Know.
Last edited by elvencat; 06/07/1006:56 AM.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I just realized something. Her words in the above post are word for word what my husband said to me three months ago.
"I understand that you know what you want. You are very vocal about it. Maybe you should try actually listening to and thinking about what he wants."
I wonder if that means he's said that to her, or she has said it to him so many times he believes it. I really want to tell her it's hard to know what someone really wants when he lies to his wife and OW and he continues to tell me that he "doesn't know" what he wants other than that he wants me in his life as a friend, and he cares about me, but doesn't love me.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
OK ELvencat, I've been thing about this facebook thing...
I like some of what you're doing, but there are other things I don't like...
There are a few posts where you just said you were doing something "wrong" and didn't explain the detail.. how can we help guide you if you decide what you're doing is wrong without even telling us what it was?
1. Get an STD test done - ASAP 2. I have the impression this is polygamous infidelity, this is rare, but no less an interesting case... 3. We need a list of everyone in the circle you can or have contacted and where their position is on your H's infidelity
a. Fully in favour of your H cheating on you b. Won't talk about it to either of you, wants to "stay out of it" c. Won't allow OW in their home and will not talk to OW d. OW will NEVER be allowed in their home and will NEVER talk to OW e. Openly challenges H to rebuild his marriage and END his AFFAIR
Sort of where does everyone stand on this scale a - e...
I think the facebook thing can help you, but you may need to go about this a different way...
Rather than looking openly vulnerable... why not?
1. Laugh at OW and refer to her as a "slut" who your husband is just "using" 2. Talk extensively about your sex life on face book to stir up fights between your H and OW? I am sure he's telling her he isnt' having sex with you at all 3. Don't argue with OW, just talk as if she's a foolish little tart who's being used and doesn't know it. Right now you are writing as if she's yoru equal and your husband is just enjoying the ego boost of having two women fight over him
As long as you both fight over him like a couple of cats he's not going to give her up... he's getting way too much of a kick out of it...
The problem is she may just share sexual info with YOU about her and your husband if you keep posting about your sexual status.. can you handle that?
I am just thinking if you post IN GENERAL on facebook rather than to her specifically and post all the warm positive moments in your marraige and everything your H is doing for YOU OW will read that and will get the message that she's being used... not sure... what do you think?
Right now I think your best response to OW on facebook is to IGNORE her messages to you entirely... its a LOT more demeaning to ignore her...
BUT I would keep posting all marital activity publically there so she can see that your H is making an effort in the marriage... Most women I can't imagine would pursue a man they KNOW is pursuing a marriage and lying to them about it... Most women don't want to be used like that
That's my thinking, ignore her, but keep public all marital activity, if he buys flowers, etc, post that on facebook so OW will read it... do NOT address OW directly... You want to act like she's not important...
