In need of guidance...

[MrBond]

forgingon,

You're still really early in your sitch so don't worry if you feel like you're going crazy. We were all in your shoes.

Sorry if I missed it, but did you ever read DR or DB? It'll make more sense when you read those books.

[forgingon]

Coach

Another question? He has flip flopped twice now but I have not talked to him about M since Friday. On Friday he basically wanted everything finalized - finances; custody; child support; "stuff" - is this normal? Do I ignore it for now since I haven't heard anything from him since about it?

I keep hearing "don't believe everything you hear and only 1/2 of what you see"

I am splitting up the bank accounts etc as I want him to know that I can change and relinquish control...

Please your thoughts are appreciated. I just don't know what to believe/listen to/act on.

thanks.

[forgingon]

Mr Bond

I ordered both books but couldn't wait so went to bookstore yesterday and bought DBing. Have read half of it already but to be honest I'm losing momentum.

I know people have been going through this for months if not years - I don't know how you get thru it!

I can no longer think about this - in my mind he's made his choice and quite frankly I'm scared to do anything cause it might be the wrong thing. You know? We never had a relationship like this so I'm not even sure how to be anymore.

I really just want to give up and move on...seems it will be less painful than what I'm experiencing now.

A male perspective is appreciated....do men come around? Should I be hopeful for a possible R?

[MrBond]

People do come around. Alot of it comes from you. I've been at this for two years and I was in your exact shoes. If someone would have told me that I'd still be here so far down the line, I would have said they were crazy. But here I am.

Is my D busted? Not yet. Are things better? Yes I would say they are 200% better than they were before. The thing is I didn't put my life on hold. I made a decision to stay M, but continue to live my life. Meet new friends, go out, get new hobbies, etc. Occupy your time with things that matter to you right now.

Take the stress out of your interactions with your H. Let's face it, you can't change his mind right now anyway, so give things a chance to calm down. It'll give him the space he wants and give you time to collect yourself.

You are in panic mode right now. I know my panic mode lasted several months. But you get over it. One day at a time.

You can do it. You just have to believe you can do it.

[forgingon]

Mr Bond

How did you make the decision to stick this out for 2 years? I mean, I get having a life but if my H isn't willing to actually work on our M than I don't want to put my life on hold in terms of new relationships etc.

I'm scared of being strung along while he figures himself out. He's young and this has been his first long term relationship and I'm sure has the feeling of being "tied down" seeing how I'm so controlling. I totally see and will admit to my fault in this.

Honestly, when I met him and found myself pregnant - this was one of my biggest fears that he'd get tired of the married/responsible life. I believe in the law of attraction so will take blame that I've attracted this to myself.

He's a good man - a great man really...this is so out of character for him.

It dawned on me today that the day he left - I actually had to beg him to leave. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said "right now...no...but you don't want to be with me either". So in essence I actually asked him to leave (with the thoughts he'd be back the next day). I just couldn't have him here knowing that he didn't want to be with me. When he picked up our D last Thurs - I asked him if he wanted to grab anything while he was here and he had to get underwear cause he only took 2 pairs with him on Sunday (yet took a huge duffel bag to his moms)

I'm just confused about everything. Being the LBS - I don't even know how to fogive him for this...even if he had a right to be upset with me...I think leaving his family has been a huge betrayal.

I like your insight please keep posting if you can....

[MrBond]

Let me take a guess. Are you the type that's assertive and take charge? Are you the one that always has a plan or needs to have some kind of structure in place?

[forgingon]

Absolutely, that's me! He's very laid back and I'm more high strung. It comes from my past - have been on my own since I was 16, had my D at 21 and built a very successful career as a single mom, owned my own place and then met future H. (I have NO family of my own)

Told him upfront what I was like (past relationship taught me to be honest about my confidence etc) He always liked this about me and in fact still hasn't totally complained about that...we actually compliment eachother quite well...

It's weird - we went thru this last May-Aug too when baseball started up. We almost split up last August - he turned into a jerk which is completely out of his character. We made it thru and the winter etc has been "normal". Ball comes again this year and he says he's not sure if he should play cause it almost split us up last year. I didn't think it fair he doesn't play cause he deserves an outlet. So we compromised - one day a week and no weekend tournaments (he works 12 hour days so he doesn't spend a lot of time at home during the week...) Somehow it turned into two days a week (which is fine) but then would go for beers after and in fact lied about one game being rained out and had beers instead...

Everyone I know thinks there may be EA going on but I have checked his email, phone numbers, and facebook and there is nothing! Besides this, I know everyone on that team and they are all married couples....who have no kids....and get to do whatever they want...no ties at home.

Again, I know I'm controlling and this is definately something I need to work on - it's more of a survivor attitude than anything...I think that he sees freedom when he's at ball... again all his friends are married "normal" couples but not one of them has a kid.

I don't know what to think but there does seem to be a bit of a pattern. Now it's just gone to the extreme where we apparently are beyond hope.

I struggle with this 180 stuff - I haven't called/texted/emailed him - nothing! I want to give him his space so he can figure things out on his own - it certainly doesn't help that he's with his mom that happens to be co-dependant. 180 for me would be to show affection, to be "kinder", yet everything points to NOT doing that - comes across as needy, desperate etc.

I panicked (typical woman) when he was leaving Sunday, I was a basket case and I'm sure that was totally unattractive but will say it's not like he walked up to me and said hey I'm done. We had been talking for 3 hours and I think he was just fed up. Again, it's not like he stormed out - I begged him to leave...and now look. He won't come home.

I don't know how to handle this. I will not bring up M/R to him at all yet I worry if I don't he'll assume I'm done considering the type of personality I am.

All I keep hearing is "patience". If there's anything I learned about myself during this experience it's I like serious patience!!!!

[MrBond]

I figured as much. When you mentioned that you weren't sure if you wanted to stick this out because you might miss out on other R, I had a feeling you may not be able to make it.

I'm only saying that because I'm (or used to be) just like you. I had no patience at all and was all over the place. What I needed was a goal. So first you need to decide if at least for right now you want to save your M or not.

If you do, there's your goal. You don't attach a time limit to it or anything, you just start with your goal. Then you see what you need to do to attain that goal. Go backwards and start dissecting what your H has been saying now and in the past. Writing it all down really helped me to pick the good info from the BS my W was spewing at the time.

From there you know what issues he had in the M. Then you decide whether or not you are willing to change those things. A M is all about compromise. What are you willing to compromise? I know you journaled here. Repeat those things in a private journal that you carry around. Then you can add things when you're away from a computer.

By figuring out "his side" you'll know how to talk to him the next time and increase the positives in your interactions. I warn you again. It's not an easy or quick process. It's a growing and learning one.

I can't tell you how much I've learned and grown myself through all this.

[forgingon]

I so appreciate your advice MrBond!

Tell me something - male perspective -

When we spoke last Thurs - I mentioned that we should "date" (we both agreed he couldn't come home right away - too much tension with D12) to gain back some passion - we lost site of eachother. He thought I meant we should date other people and was a little put out by that....

Next day, Fri - tells me he has no desire to work on the relationship - knows he should and is trying to force himself but just can't - BUT!!! mentioned he liked the "dating" idea... I took the dating off the table cause he said he didn't want to work on the M. (I'm thinking he wants sex with no strings...but maybe I'm wrong)??? What are your thoughts?

He's a good man (not a pig/player) but I just don't trust that I'll end up being a lay whenever he's so inclined. Really not willing to do that....

So, your post talks about what I'm willing to do - anything and everything so he never feels like this again because of me - the problem is HE DOESN'T WANT TO WORK ON IT!!!!!! How do I get past that? He wanted to settle everything on Fri (including D talk) like he's just done...is this just talk or what?

I haven't heard from him all week about things he was going to do like move his insurance etc and I really don't want to ask. I just don't want to be paying for his stuff when I'm trying to make sure his money becomes his money without any access for me.

I have decided that if he wants a D - he can do the dirty work and start the process. I've always been the one who does everything and I figure if he wants to be a man again then I need to give that responsibility to him....right?

[MrBond]

Sex with now strings attached. Yep that's what he's thinking of.

Look over all the posts here. Even the ones that made it all had one spouse totally checked out and didn't want to do anything. There's a certain amount of faith that you have to take on here.

When you talk, you just ... talk. Not about the R, but what you used to when you were first dating. It's hard at first to remember, but it gets easier. When my W and I first separated, it was hard as hell to even want to hear the sound of her voice. But what I learned was that I could go back to talking to her the way we used to. Since she wasn't physically here, I had to re-learn how to talk to her and carry a conversation. It was interesting to say the least.

If you think things are going to be affected financially or that he might take out money without your permission, protect your assets. It's not being anti-DBing or whatever. It's called being smart.

Yes it he wants to D, then he needs to do the steps to proceed.

From what it sounds like, since he mentioned that part about the dating and he perked up when he thought you meant dating other people, well maybe that's what he needs. Now I don't mean that he should date other people, but that maybe for a moment you should go back to how it is when you were first dating and got is attention.

Think of it like when Sandy underwent her transformation at the end of the movie Grease. She went from Innocent to Bad Ass with just a few changes. Same person, but it changed perceptions.

When you go out with him, try doing a full 180 in terms of your looks and look killer. After that, cut down on the communication with him for a bit. Act as if you've been busy, etc. Get him to start pursuing you for a bit. One step at a time.