I know that it hurts so much when they throw the paperwork at you, and then if you say anything about not wanting to go that route yet you are the bad person who will not give anything in the situation. It is very tough and I am sorry you are going through this.
Hang in there.
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
i called this morning to talk to my son. He got his first bicycle this weekend and i wasn't there. That breaks my heart.
She was very cold on the phone ,almost annoyed that i called. I kept an upbeat tone to my voice and tried to remain pleasant. I kept the conversation short and said "goodbye."
With each day and week that this drags on i get more angry and feel more hurt. I'm doing all i know to do to keep a positive mental attitude. It will be 3 weeks until i can see my son again and that hurts like it has never hurt before.
I'm having so many thoughts about wearing my ring. Everytime i put it on it is another reminder of where my marriage is and how much this hurts. But not wearing it is also a reminder of where this marriage is. It hurts just as much to put it on as it does to take it off. But i am married. I want to stay married. So i guess the ring must stay on. If she sees i am not wearing it then that will be yet one more signal that i am not committed like i claim to be.
This is so hard. With this long distance separation this is not typical DB territory. Do i call daily to speak to my son and then at least say hi to her? Or do i only call and speak to my son and not speak to her at all? We will only see each other every other weekend. It's not like i will see her or talk to her or interact everyday living in the same town. I feel like i need to atleast create an opportunity for her to hear a different tone to my voice and to experience a different interaction with me from what would be considered by her to be the norm. How do i give her space and do the DB techniques with her but not lose contact with my son? Or am i just forcing contact with her to make me feel better? Is calling him and only worrying about talking to him really the way that i need to let go? This is all so confusing to me knowing separation paperwork is being drafted. I fear that talking to her every day will be read as more needy behavior. I guess i should just limit my contact to my son. But, she and i are not going to get any better if we don't spend time with one another. This new living arrangement will only afford me about 7 days out of 30 to spend time with them. I have to make those days pleasant and enjoyable so that she can see the changes. I have told her that. She says that separation does not have to lead to divorce but it depends on what changes i am willing to make. I tried to explain that she can't see changes if we are not spending time together. So, this is not your normal DB scenario from that perspective. Any feedback would be most appreciated!
thanks for the words of encouragement. I think I'm going to delay responding to the separation agreement as long as possible and when I do respond I'm going to respond with a post nuptial that outlines all of the things she said she is "willing to consider"..the things she says she is not "ruling out" etc.
I will outline visitation that includes living together during those weekends. She said she's not opposed to it so let's get that in writing. I will also up our counseling sessions from once a month to twice a month. All of this to continue until the bitter end.
I picked my user name on purpose. I will NOT quit on this marriage. If it ends, it will be her that ends it.
The things I've picked up from reading the success stories are:
Postive Mental Attitude
Be the kind of person she would WANT to spend time with.
Don't hang my activities, fun, etc on her..Get A Life!
Makes me wonder if I should just sign the papers and be "done" as a tactic to win her back. As long as the papers are fair to me what's the harm? She's going to do this anyway, right? I'm either going to lose her or I'm not. I can't change her mind. Only she can do that.
"Makes me wonder if I should just sign the papers and be "done" as a tactic to win her back. As long as the papers are fair to me what's the harm? She's going to do this anyway, right? I'm either going to lose her or I'm not. I can't change her mind. Only she can do that."
I did not read the thread but if the "papers" are agreeable and you feel comfortable with them.. there is nothing wrong about signing them. My personal thought is that there should always be some kind of document in place once you are living truly separate. Fight once you get to the divorce papers. If you fight here on this it will most likely add to the tension. And if you really look at it.. the papers are a smart thing to do. It protects both of you. Most states this also sets the timer running for the term you must live separate.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I won't stand by and be blamed for it all. It's about me and my son from this point forward. If she comes back, she'll have to earn her way back. If she doesn't..I'll be OK.
It's not a tactic. It's a position. Frankly, I don't want this woman...the woman who would deny me access to my son on Father's Day...the woman who has done all that she has done...the self absorbed woman who is tearing my son's world apart...I don't want that woman in my life.
"Frankly, I don't want this woman...the woman who would deny me access to my son on Father's Day...the woman who has done all that she has done...the self absorbed woman who is tearing my son's world apart...I don't want that woman in my life."
The sad part about this is.. you can't change it. She will be in your life.. for the foreseeable future. The reason that is true is because of your past actions and reactions. Making a statement that you are done is fine. Does not change the fact that you will be doing this for a while to come. Stop trying to do this to win her back. Do this because it is the smart thing to do. If you change your mind.. all you gotta do is post.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
That's where I am. I love her and I want to keep this marriage going but in her current state she's not good for me. I'm setting some boundaries and letting her have her life. If she comes back, fine. If not, that's fine, too. I'm making the changes I need to make in my life to be a better man and a better father and I'm looking out for myself and my son. What she does or does not do is up to her.
She is now resisting any further counseling and she has "lawyered up" so that's the direction this seems to be headed. As painful as it is, I'm OK with it. I'll get a lawyer to look over the paperwork and as long as I'm protected and my relationship with my son is protected I'll sign it.
I won't be mired in the past. I won't be the only one to take ownership of this. I won't be portrayed as the villain nor will I allow her to portray herself to me as the victim. I won't stand for any more emotional blackmail. I won't stand for her overstating in extremes such as "always" and "never" and I will no longer stand for her negating my feelings.
Those are my parameters and they are things I can control. In each situation I can walk away, hang up or otherwise end the conversation. This is what I have to to in order to preserve my self esteem. Ultimately, this will make me a better person and a better father. That's all that matters right now.
"That's where I am. I love her and I want to keep this marriage going but in her current state she's not good for me. I'm setting some boundaries and letting her have her life. If she comes back, fine. If not, that's fine, too. I'm making the changes I need to make in my life to be a better man and a better father and I'm looking out for myself and my son. What she does or does not do is up to her."
I was of the impression you were already "here". So nothing has changed.. you just needed to vent?
"She is now resisting any further counseling and she has "lawyered up" so that's the direction this seems to be headed. As painful as it is, I'm OK with it. I'll get a lawyer to look over the paperwork and as long as I'm protected and my relationship with my son is protected I'll sign it."
Let me be clear.. stop pestering her about C. You imply that you are. I knew that she had written papers and had talked to a L. If you are at the point that the tension is making you act/sound "crazy" stop.. go dark. If you can smile and talk civil to her on the phone then continue on. If you need to go dark then set a time that you can call and talk to son.. make it a consistent thing to call at that time. I am really close to telling you to stop whatever you are doing right now and L up.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I have been civil and continue to smile and remain as upbeat as I can around her. We had an agreement to go to counseling once per month and I was trying to find out when in July we would go. That is all.
I am going dark. My son is my priority. I have a lawyer already but only as a defensive measure in response to the papers I know are coming.
I don't believe I'm acting or sounding crazy. I'm actually more calm and focused now than I have been in quite some time. I'm just emotionally drained and tired of being beaten down. It's all about my PMA and my relationship with my son at this point.
