I just wanted to pop in to share my good news. After going through hell - husband moved out, was going to file for divorce, said never to contact him, didn't love me, etc., etc., etc. ... we are getting back together!
I have been reading DR, DB, and SSM, and keeping in constant prayer, and also have a lot of people praying for me, my husband, my kids, our marriage, our family, and our relationship. The day before yesterday I needed to contact my husband for something, and I AGONIZED over whether or not I should call him since he told me never to contact him again.
Well, I felt very strongly that I should bite the bullet and just call. After all, what's the worst that could happen ... he could yell at me again, right? Well, he didn't. He was quite civil - and even seemed friendly. We agreed to meet at 9:30am yesterday at our bank to take care of the issue I had called him about. I also asked him if there would be a time in the future that we could have a talk. He said "Sure, how about after the banking? I agreed.
I made sure my older son was gone, so we would be able to go back to the house and talk in private, and the younger son was in school.
My husband followed me back to the house in his car, and we sat down to talk. I told him how sorry I was for my part in the problems in our marriage, and how sorry I was that I made him feel emasculated, and that I wasn't aware of how my lack of intimacy with him had affected him the way it did. I apologized for a lot of things and never brought up anything he did or might have done to cause me the resentment I felt - I bit my tongue on that stuff - I'll reserve that for another time because that was not the time to bring all that stuff up.
So, he listened, I tried my best not to break down, but I did a little bit a couple of times - couldn't help it - but I didn't want to ruin my makeup, so I managed to not lose it totally. He let me say what I needed to say and didn't interrupt me.
After I said what I needed to say, he told me what was bothering him and what he wanted to change (he hasn't read the books yet, so he focused more on the problems than the solutions, and his focus was on how I've wronged him - not about anything he might have done to wrong me - but that's okay, I understand because he's not armed with the knowledge I have from the books).
Anyway, we made up - made love - then left to go out to breakfast. I was prepared to make breakfast at home, but he wanted to go out, so we went out. After breakfast we went back to his place, made love again, then left to do some shopping, then pick up our son from school. Asked son if he wanted to go back to dad's place with us and swim, but he said no so we dropped him off at the house and we went back to husband's place and swam and went in the spa, then made love again!
After that, we went to a restaurant, got food to take home, came back to the house and told the kids we were getting back together, ate dinner, made love again, then watched some TV for a little while, then he left to go back to his place because his clothes are there and he had to get up very early this morning to be in court on one of his cases.
He will move back in in about 3 months. The reason for this is that I have an adult son who lives here. My husband is giving my son 3 months to move out. That was part of the problem with our marriage - my husband does not want my 25 year old son living here anymore. Not that he has ill will or anything toward my son, but at 25, as a man, my son should be out on his own, able to support himself, and have a regular job with a stable income. My son is self-employed, so his income is hit-and-miss, which is why he had to move back home with us. However, he's been here rent-free for over a year. I agreed to back my husband on this.
So, in the meantime, he'll be at his little place and I'll be here in the house. We are going to date each other and continue to plan for our future together and work on our marriage and relationship. He said his little place will be our "love shack" so we can get away from the kids and have privacy.
I am so happy, and he is happy too. We have a plan in place, and we are going to stay together. I am not worried now, and I can fully concentrate on my studies so I can take and pass the Baby Bar Exam on June 22nd! Before yesterday, I tried, but my studying was hit-or-miss because my mind would inevitably drift off to my marriage and my husband and all that stuff.
I have to thank Michele, and her books - because without the knowledge in those books, I'd be a complete basket case and I'd most likely be divorced in a very short time. I also have to thank God because he has answered my prayers. I also have to thank all the people who prayed along with me, who agreed in prayer for restoration of our marriage, a complete positive change in our relationship, and putting our family back together. I also want to thank those of you on this forum who have given me great advice and helped me to stay positive, focused, and to keep my chin up. Without the combination of all these things, I would not be here right now sharing this happy story with you guys!
If anyone is going through the same things as I have, please know that there is HOPE! Just be patient and hang in there!!!
Congratulations, this is great news!! I will keep you in my prayers for the reconciliation and also for your studies and upcoming exam.
I agree with what KarenR posted to your other thread though. Get some personalized coaching to assist in the days ahead. I'm so happy your H was receptive to the heartfelt apologies you made. I pray that he will be touched enough to "do the work" to repair his part in the breakdown too.
I apologized for a lot of things and never brought up anything he did or might have done to cause me the resentment I felt - I bit my tongue on that stuff - I'll reserve that for another time because that was not the time to bring all that stuff up.
If something is bothering you then it is your responsiblity to bring it up. You will both need the tools on healthy dialouge, listening and validating each other.
You are not going into this with transparency. This creates trust issues. Be aware that this could cause your H to feel trapped, mislead, you are OK with him etc. Don't repeat the behavior that got you to this point.
Keep up the good work. It is nice to see success.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am glad for you and glad you posted. We all could use some good news ever once in a while. It gives hope and strength to keep fighting the good fight.
Me: FWH 35 Wife: BS/Love of My Life 31 Children: Son - 3yrs & One on the Way DDay1 3/9/09 EA DDay2 2/25/10 SPa w/same XOw
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
As your first poster, it makes me feel happy that you've gotten this far.
My only suggestion would be to get C together so that both of you resolve your ongoing issues. This is extremely critical because many people who R find themselves back on here after a time because they fall back into their old patterns. Get all the bad out and start enjoying a NEW relationship together.
Peace God Bless.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
This is extremely critical because many people who R find themselves back on here after a time because they fall back into their old patterns. Get all the bad out and start enjoying a NEW relationship together.
Great post, this, well not so much old patterns, but indicators are causing problmes 7 months in to the R of myself and (x)W. But we're still growing and positive.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Congratulations, Katya! I am very happy for you. I still recommend Retrouvaille for helping to heal your marriage. They can teach you both the tools for effective communication. While things are still going well, check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org and plan to do a weekend. It will change your lives.
Hey you guys - thanks! I'll try to see what I can do regarding counseling and Retrouville and stuff, but I just don't think he's going to go for it no matter how wonderful things are between us. But ... for my part, I will try. Thing is, I know him. I know what he will and what he will not do. Remember, he's a high profile lawyer. When he says something he generally means it. He doesn't just make idle chit chat. Don't get ME wrong ..... I'd LOVE to go to counseling and stuff together - that would be a dream come true! I promose - I will keep trying, and I'll keep you guys posted.
