SOS from England - WAW

[StandingTall]

I have been reading the great advice in this forum for a few days and I feel now is the right time to post my sitch.

We live in England having travelled around the world with my work. W and I met in England, UK in 2002, love at first sight but she moved back to Eastern Europe as her visa expired. I made over 6 trips to visit her over 3 months and got married soon after that.

We moved to the Caribbean straight after our wedding for 2 years due to my work and I found out that she was a very jealous person with low self esteem. There were occasions when I wanted to leave but she used to get physical to prevent me from leaving. An example would be us walking down the street after being out and a girl walking past laughing or smiling, she would ask me if I knew her.

We then moved to Asia where I worked 12 hour days in a highly stressful environment. My parents were also living in the same city which created tension. My wife was still jealous and we often argued in private and in puiblic. She does not work as she never finished school, and even though I offered to pay for courses for her, she did not get round to enrolling in them.

In Asia, I acted very bad towards her in front of my family. Looking back, I now know why I did the things that I did and said the things that I said. I needed to show that I was “in charge” of the family and this came through sub-consciously as that is the Asian culture. I grew up in the West so I should have known better. W packed her things and called me to say she was leaving, but I rushed home and begged her to stay.

W stayed and we had our beautiful daughter in 2006. She was the light of my life but I was so stressed from work, W’s continued jealousy and 1st child, our relationship deteriorated. I am ashamed to say that I once slapped my wife and pushed her. I often put her down and call her “stupid” and “idiot”.

We decided to come back to the UK in 2008. We bought a house which we needed to totally refurbish and also extend to accommodate the family. I did all of the project management of the building work. This coupled with a new job meant that I had very little time to think about my actions towards W. I am an attentive and loving father and poured all of my energy into my daughter. From the time I come home from work to every weekend, I ensured my little one was happy and entertained. I know now that this is wrong as my wife was neglected.

W often made snide comments about me being sorry when she is gone, or she is just waiting for our daughter to settle down into school before leaving, but I brushed these comments aside as nagging. I never see my friends as I was fearful of her reaction due to her jealousy. We argue over very insignificant things just to prove that we were right. In essence, we did not know how to communicate like adults.
I was in the US in May on a business trip and she told me before I left that she is going to see a lawyer to get a divorce. When I came back, she has done that and became cold to me. I did the classic error of pursuing and begging for forgiveness until I came across this forum and the book. For the past week, I have been GAL (running and seeing my friends) and doing 180 like helping around the house and not arguing with W or being controlling.

I then found out that she has been having an EA with a man she met in the bar back in April 2010. Loads of texts and phone calls. I am sure she met up with him during my US trip and has also met up at night last week. (not over night)

At the moment, W is very amicable about the divorce settlement and custody issues with the idea of shared parenting being hers. She says I am a very good father and that is why she wants the D to be amicable. The laws in the UK are in favour of the W / mother.

I loved my wife the moment I saw her and we have been through many good and bad adventures. I can now clearly see how I had treated her in the past and I want to treat her the same way I want my daughter to be treated in the future. Obviously the wife says it is too late and she had given me chances before. She is still a very loving mother and cares about people’s feelings.

I would love to hear all your vet’s advice. Thank you for reading this.

[StandingTall]

Some info on my wife:-

Lived in poverty and raped by a man in her village when she was young. Moved to England to find a better life at 18. We have been helping her mum with monthly allowances and her brother is an alcoholic and abusive husband.

[StandingTall]

Would love to hear from Sandi, Coach, Pup and the other vets. Please help as I want to save this R and be the best husband/father that I should have been. Thanks.

[Coach]

I then found out that she has been having an EA with a man she met in the bar back in April 2010. Loads of texts and phone calls. I am sure she met up with him during my US trip and has also met up at night last week. (not over night)

first order of business is to bust the affair.

you have to set clear boundaries and the consequences

you have to deliver the message calmly and confidently

you need to be prepared for either outcome



keep being a great Dad, improve yourself, and keep posting


Cheers

[TimeHeals]

Obviously the wife says it is too late and she had given me chances before. She is still a very loving mother and cares about people’s feelings.

OK, so you messed up, she messed up, and who is cheating? And an EA is cheating. Period. That's a character issue on top of being disrespectful to your M and your family. She isn't thinking about your family if she is doing this.

Take Coach's advice here. There is no chance of working things out while your W is on planet fruitopia, high on infatuation brain chemicals. None.

Think about that crazy astonaut lady who drove across country with a jar to pee in and stuff in her trunk to kidnap and kill the woman who was seing the man she was infatuated with. There is no making sense of this. She had a husband and 3 kids, and she drove 1800 miles to commit murder because some guy was sending her nice emails.

First, the affair has to end.

[StandingTall]

Thanks Coach & TimeHeals. I have spoken to her tonight about the EA and obviously she said she wasn't having an A. As she has already suggested some reasonable D conditions (like 50.50 asset split and shared parenting which is generous in England), I feel that I do not have many hands to play.

Consequence of A would be divorce from my perspective, and I have told her that she is not showing respect to M or our daughter.

She does seem to be unsure about the financial implications of a D and I want her to work out a budget so to agree alimony without lawyers which she is willing to do. Perhaps the cold reality of our finances may wake her up.

This forum has been a life saver and given me a new lease of life. I realise that the threat of a D has made me want to be a better man for my daughter.

[StandingTall]

I had not helped out in the house for a year, so would a proper 180 be doing housework when I am home? Previously I would spend time with my daughter instead of helping the housework. I have stopped calling her during the day from the office as well.

Trying to GAL by exercising and getting back in touch with my friends. Not sure if I am being lovingly detached. I still say hi to her and as about her day as that would be 180 to what I did before.

I am just so lost as to what I need to do to end the EA and DB this M.