Exposed finally,,limbo land

[Optimust]

The BK lawyer was really cool and knowledgeable, been doing it for 35 years. Basically, there is a good chance we make too much money for a chapter 7 right now, but we won’t know for sure until we finish a financial questionnaire and turn it in. Whatever I find out I will let you all know, and puppy, I will try and get you as much info as I can as it becomes available.

My new IC I found through my church is Christian and very pro marriage (I know, imagine that). He feels that a true heartfelt apology from me to W about the things that might have led up to her discomfort in the M, including specifics, how they effected W, and changes that are being made, as well as truthful dedication to those changes will be necessary for my mental and emotional health. Part of the whole 12 step detachment. But also to make sure that I leave it at that and do not go anywhere near the whole,” Sooo, let’s see about getting back together.” But rather to leave it at,” Our future I leave in God’s hands”. (or something close).

So now I need to figure out the things that were dissatisfying in the M. IC asked what W complained about leading up to this. She didn’t say much. I do know that she felt neglected and taken for granted. Not real sure of other things. I think most M have a lot of similarities, so if you folks can think of any common things I might need to consider, I would like to hear them.

I am not taking any blame for the A, yet I am not going to bring it up either. If she brings it up, I will do what I can to change subject back to M. But, if she tries to twist my apology etc into something she can blame me for the A, then I will defend the fact that those were her decisions, and I will not own any part of the A.

[Optimust]

Weekend was definitely different. Friday night D14 was at camp, and D8 she sent to spend night away also, so I knew she would be with him. They were in our city not his because it was her turn with DD’s. I noticed his car leave her town home, figured they were going to go out, but then she TM me about needing to pick up D8, so I told her I would do it and have her stay with me(will help with custody stuff). She insisted she would, and I thought she was with OM, so I called her o stop her from having D8 meet OM. Low and behold, she was at home doing dishes, OM left for night?(first Friday that has happened in 6 weeks.) She was very nice on phone, and kept me on for 20 minutes(20x longer than normal). MIL guessed it was his week with his son, and left to do stuff with him.

Saturday, I made no contact with W until off work about 7 to see how D8 was etc. She invited me up for food? Contrary to her.”I don’t want you up at town home EVER”, statement from 10 days ago, was also very nice again? I made an exit earlier than she thought I would, to not look desperate for company. But before I left she said she was going to church the same time she thought I was, I had to go to early service to get to work on time.

Thinking this is all part of the roller-coaster thing unfortunately, she is most likely being nice because I’m not fighting the D. Oh well, I’m GAL’ing for me anyways, so who cares. Still feels weird though.

I’m going to go through the pains to marriage/ask for forgiveness thing as IC said to tonight. I will let you know how it goes. She also stated she does not want to go BK, so we are going to look into foreclosure stuff next.

Have a good night all.

[Optimust]

W is still very much in contact with OM as normal, 2-5 phone calls a day and 20-50 TM, and she spent the night there three nights ago. So apparently it was his needing to spend last weekend with his son that caused her to basically be nice to me as well as not contact him much. This weekend should be interesting. She has DD’s, and knows OM is not to be near them, especially D8(D14 already met him).

I’m a bit flustered in the fact it seems that she is getting everything her way. It’s like she is blissfully just waiting it out, for the 90 waiting period. Always pleasant to my face, but definitely likes her space away from me. I keep waiting for A to implode, and I’m worried because of the geographic distance(over 1 hour between homes) that keeps them from seeing each other everyday gives them the sense that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

FIL and his W are very nice to me, but they are basically telling me to face the fact and be a realist about everything. I’m a bit worried that I might become the bad person for ‘standing’ to long, because others might see it as unhealthy and that I’m in denial? Does anyone ever feel like everyone around them sees D to be blatantly obvious, and that LBS is a koo-koo nut case?

Here’s a question for anyone: We are $50k backwards in our mortgage/house. It was suggested by FIL to cash in 401k and wipe out the $50k inequity? That just seems like a bad thing to do. First, I don’t know if I want the house without W. Second, 401k’s are protected from all legal and collection matters in case I/we went bankrupt. Third, the difference is $350(the 2nd mortgage), seems I would rather make $350 payments (if I can) to save $75k 401k money($50k + $25k tax penalty approx for early withdrawal)?

[Optimust]

I guess at this point I’m just journaling, or at least it feels like it.

So this weekend was nasty. She took my D8 out on a boat with friends of ours from our town, and took OM and his son also! We had an agreement that she was not to let OM around kids until 6 months after D is final or I would get full custody. But, I fear that it is unenforceable at this point, if ever. It has truly traumatized D8. D8 says while bawling, that she doesn’t think we will ever be a family again because W and OM call each other ‘honey’ in front of her. W asked her to keep it a secret, also so very unhealthy for D8.

Our unofficial parenting plan has DDs with me three nights, before during and after my two days off, and D14 is fighting it. She always wants to be at her mom’s, and says it’s because of our dogs, their general odor(standard indoor dog stuff) and the dust bunnies from their shedding. The house is being kept cleaner now than before separation, so it seems like an excuse. I don’t want to get rid of the dogs, because it’s probably not the real reason, and she will just make up another excuse, but I do want her comfortable. W and I are going to have talk tonight, so she hopefully won’t cave (like normal) when D14 asks to stay at her place on my days/nights.

W says she feels like bad guy telling D14 to go to my place, yet told her that it was OK to stay at her place on one of my nights that W wasn’t going to be with OM. I feel like the bad guy saying,” You have to stay at my house tonight.”

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I guess at this point I’m just journaling, or at least it feels like it.

So this weekend was nasty. She took my D8 out on a boat with friends of ours from our town, and took OM and his son also! We had an agreement that she was not to let OM around kids until 6 months after D is final or I would get full custody. But, I fear that it is unenforceable at this point, if ever. It has truly traumatized D8. D8 says while bawling, that she doesn’t think we will ever be a family again because W and OM call each other ‘honey’ in front of her. W asked her to keep it a secret, also so very unhealthy for D8.

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!!!


And then yes, this is probably unenforceable (as I think I advised when you brought it up), but that's no reason for you NOT to go full-tilt "PAPABEAR" on her sorry little derriere.

"Wife, regardless of what we agreed to legally, I think we can agree as parents that D8 is having a hard time with this, and that we BOTH want what's best for her regardless of how we feel about each other right now."

[Optimust]

Yes I did take her to dinner on our anniversary. Sorry, just a weak moment.

I did go off on her a bit about keeping D8 away from him. D8 told me she wants to stay with me in the event of a D. Good stuff, but she is 8? Judge will probably decide, if we don't.

So what would the effect be, good or bad, if I were to destroy some of OM’s life, such as reputation, friendships, jobs etc?

Seems I would probably put W into defensive mode for him?

There is a possibility that I might be able to put a dent in their relationship via exposure of other relationships he has with other women?

[Allen A]

Your wife probably won't care about his past history... As long as you can't prove he's two-timing HER then it won't matter much.

Opti you need to start following the cardinal rule here :

Do what's right, now what will make my wife happy in the short term

STOP hesitating because your wife might be upset... She's controlling you with her anger... And second guessing yourself will get you no where.

YES, you destroy OM's life, make it hell in a handbag... if you can... Get him fired, etc...

Your wife will be LIVID if you go to the guys parents or his wife etc and out him... But the affair will be a lot less FUN and the excitement will be considerably lessened...

And SOME OM will drop the WS if she becomes too high maintenance due to a pain in the arse LBS husband

Don't make the affair FUN by keeping it a secret and leaving them alone, that does nothing but enable them

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Your wife probably won't care about his past history... As long as you can't prove he's two-timing HER then it won't matter much.

Opti you need to start following the cardinal rule here :

Do what's right, now what will make my wife happy in the short term

STOP hesitating because your wife might be upset... She's controlling you with her anger... And second guessing yourself will get you no where.

YES, you destroy OM's life, make it hell in a handbag... if you can... Get him fired, etc...

Your wife will be LIVID if you go to the guys parents or his wife etc and out him... But the affair will be a lot less FUN and the excitement will be considerably lessened...

And SOME OM will drop the WS if she becomes too high maintenance due to a pain in the arse LBS husband

Don't make the affair FUN by keeping it a secret and leaving them alone, that does nothing but enable them

BINGO. ^

Puppy

[Optimust]

Why is there no private messeging? I'm quite concerned about W and/or OM monitoring this site.

[Allen A]

I think MWD's team disabled that feature to keep all converation above board... there are a lot of vulnerable people on here... Its for our safety I presume