PMA needs a dose of positive

[beastiemanager]

Hello everyone.

i don't post often but i read very much. The stories here are a comfort. To make a long story short, H in mlc. H moved out may 09. Crisis began 08, maybe 07. Just took a couple of his things, bag of clothes and personal items, otherwise you would think him still here. He moved in with male friend, and I have been in NC for 6 months. I believe there is active OW. Or so there seems. OW recently posts on popular people web site, she is "in relationship." H tries to hide it, she puts it out to cyber-space. Because, of course, people ask her who it is. I don't think H even knows about this on web site. I was told by STORE CLERK that it was my H that was "relationship partner", so they heard. Truthfully, I think it has been off\on for couple years.

I am tired and impatient with long haul. I need a dose of PMA.
i have been backsliding a bit last 2 weeks. Family emergency has prompted contact via text, with H. And I had left him note about some unrelated things. I have a hard time getting everything into sync, a rhythym. I try to remember evrything I should be doing and not doing. I get one thing down and then I fail to see how it is connected in another way, then I slip there. so will I get into a rhythym? Gawwh!!!

H comes once a week to do mail check and take care of bills and such. He has an afternoon to do things, but he limits it to about 2 hours. It was a boundary I had set at NC time. He has requested in past via text, that he has "NO FEELINGS", (everyone one here knows about this!) One minute he wants to be adults about this, civil and divorce. then itis quiet. These texts came like every 2 weeks, on a certain night. But I just refuse each request. Now I have set boundary of letter writing. Those requests in a letter. My repsponse in letter. I have a helper guiding me through this mlc puzzle and I don't want to wear her out, so she has suggested a few times for me to post here. Anyway, will I get it to come together?

Thanks for reading,
Beastie

[Marked&Healed]

Hey Beastie, glad you decided to post.

Are you saying the only contact you have with H is texting or letter writing?

And he asks you by text for D, but you ignore and he goes away for a while again?

Just trying to make sure I understand.

Anyway, your PMA comes from within. It comes from you knowing that you are doing the best you can for yourself and that you will be all right with or without H. It's a very special place that newbies resist because they don't want to even begin to imagine a life without their spouse, but we all get there eventually.

That being said, what have you done for yourself to keep your PMA up?

[Grace_O]

Hey Beastie,

That he goes quiet is not that unusual in my world. When my H does, I let it go. Sounds like you have set the boundaries, is that correct?

As far as PMA, do you set goals for yourself and record how you are doing with regards to meeting them? How about exercise (any kind will do)? What makes you feel better?

[fudwoman]

Beastie - to borrow a tip from the 12-step universe - it's progress not perfection. Do your best to 'right yourself' every time you fall off course and try not to beat yourself up about it - easier said than done I know. I agree with Grace though - have a charted path for yourself will help you remain clear about what your goals are for yourself and will give you a benchmark against which to assess how closely you hit the mark. None of this is an exact science I think - you just have to feel your way through it and just keep plodding forward. I know my advice is somewhat generic but that's what I'm trying to put into practice for myself so I thought I'd share :>

A

[beastiemanager]

Thanks everyone.

Marked&healed- yes, right now i do not see him,only text and write letters. And yes, he sent two texts, on seperate occasions about divorce. I have a suspicion that he is being prompted\guided to these texts also, they don't sound like him at all, like his words. That is not to say I am making any excuse for him mind you..I have been at this long enough now. But texts are so ....I can't think of the word...poorly stated, abrupt,harried... it will come to me.

Grace- Yes I set the boundaries on NC and coming to home. Yeah I am okay with his quiet for the most part..Sometimes he working his bad mojo though. :>) I'm glad to know you experience same from your H.

fudwoman- thanks for tip. i am a student of the 12 step Universe as well. So I understand the saying. It is good to be reminded. thanks.

everyone- thanks for the tip on making a goal list or a list of positives that have taken place, no matter how small. That H texts me in full sentences is a small victory. And to look at where I have been as to where I am now would be a good start. Thanks all for your input. BeastieManager