I am confused that I am here. I think as I explain my situation many will agree that I have received mixed messages and have a very confused spouse. I am hoping to at least feel better by writing this out. Ideally I would receive some words of wisdom. I keep looking for quick fixes to the issues and reminding myself there are no quick fixes.
A little background. We have been together 28 years, married 26 this month. Ages 49 and 48. Two kids—16 and 19, one just finished first year of college, other in high school. A good family life and financially stable. About 18 months ago we went to see a counselor, the best in our town I’ve been told since then. He wanted to stop seeing the counselor. I was reluctant to stop, but I agreed to do so. Our major issue has been a lack of true communication. The day to day of life often interfered. While seeing the counselor things were good. As life started coming at us more, we failed to use the lessons we learned.
Forward to 5/23. I learned innocently the prior day that he had given a significant sum of money to a family member without telling me. This particular family member has been a source of problems for us in the past. (not a parent or sibling btw) On 5/22 I had grabbed the mail and opened a bank statement as I often do. Nothing sneaky or devious intended. The envelope resealed as if never opened. Instead of saying anything at the time I just put it with the rest of the mail, pretended I saw nothing and waited to see his reaction. I didn’t say a word about it that day. The morning of 5/23 as calmly as I could I went to him and asked him if there was anything he needed to tell me never expecting the conversation that was to follow. He wanted out of the marriage. He could not be married anymore, had been unhappy for 10 or 15 years, would not see a counselor again, made the decision last summer that the marriage was over (just months after he ended the counseling), and would be moving out probably this summer.
A further discussion later in the week revealed the following: (mostly quoting him) At the core of his soul he can’t be married. The wants, needs, and expectations of marriage are too much for him. He wants a good, personal relationship, but not a marriage. Wants to continue to have a family relationship. Control and boundary issues haunt his life.
I have been doing various things in the week since this all happened. I could/will write more, but I want to get some reactions first. I am getting mixed messages from him. I am paralyzed with fear that the next thing I do will be wrong thing. I am trying to have hope. I picked up Divorce Remedy the next day and have read and reread and reread. I am a bit confused about which way to move next.
Sorry for the length of this post. I’ve been keeping it all in and my mind is still moving like a top. Thoughts/advice?
Well I was going to recommend that you get and read Divorce Remedy IMMEDIATELY, but you've already done that...good! It'll prevent you from doing what I did and making ALL the wrong moves in the beginning. Stick with what it says, remember what you've read....be patient, very patient. I was told this same advice, and although there are times when it doesn't feel like the right thing to do - it is. He is the one who wants out, so let him make the moves. Let him make the mistakes. YOU be stronger than you ever have in your life and if you need to break down and cry, don't do it on front of him. Leave the room and come back if you have to, but hold it together. Yes your mind will race like crazy but don't make any moves or decisions based on your emotions! Think before you speak. Read the book again if you have to but FOLLOW IT! Good luck to you :-)
oh yeah, another good website and forum is 'talkaboutmarriage' between that one and this one, you'll need no others!
rli1, so sorry your here, you will meet good people here who have walked the path you just started. It will be the most agonizing experience you have every had to deal with. You will have many ups and downs, the thing to remember is to remain positive.
Quote:
He wants a good, personal relationship, but not a marriage
I am not saying there is someone else but you need to think that there may be if he said this statement. You owe it to yourself to check into this so you know what your up against.
Quote:
Yes your mind will race like crazy but don't make any moves or decisions based on your emotions! Think before you speak
Don't panic! No good decision was ever made out of panic.
Tell us more about your communication problems.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I was where you were at a year ago. My story did not end well as you will find most don't on this website. There are some happy endings, most are not. What this place does, however, is prepare you over time for what may come. You will get tough love advice, the caring advice, the stay strong advice. The fact is you will go through almost the seven stages of death for lack of a better metaphor. Your story is so similar to everyone's here you will look for story after story looking for a happy ending. They are hard to find. But what you will find at a certain point is your stregnth. Whether you want to or not, it just comes to a point where you can say, I can do this with him or without him.
I had the classic MLC wife. Picture perfect life, three sons, no financial issues...Then the bombed dropped. Your controlling, your this, your that, rewriting the last 15 years of our marriage..i gave up trying. She moved out two weeks ago after a year of living under the same roof. We needed to get our housing in order before we told our kids. She had a nervous breakdown the next day. She finally was able to take my sons for visitation for the first time yesterday.
What I am saying is, this is a long process. If it will work out, it will be a long time for that to happen. It took a long time for you to get here in your marriage. It will be the worst 6 months to a year of your life while this figures itself out. Therapy helps.
I will just say, be strong, don't swallow your pride too much..
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Thanks for listening and suggestions. To answer a couple of your questions.
I have wondered if he seeing someone else. I think it's a natural question in the situation. Maybe I'm being naive, but I don't think so. He works out of our home, as do I sometimes. There just isn't a lot of unaccounted for time. He doesn't travel out of town for business often. I do wonder, but it's not a question I am mentally prepared to ask right now. And in reading the book, I "think" asking that question would be pursuing--maybe I'm wrong.
Our communication problems are pretty typical I think. Days and weeks go by without meaningful discussion. It's not angry. Just nothing but logistical, daily grind types of things. We don't really fight about much--we just exist. When we did see a counselor about 18 months ago that aspect of our relationship got much better. Then we just stopped making the effort to focus on each other again.
I have tried coming up with some action oriented goals for our marriage. Kind of hard to do alone. I'm trying not to do what he would expect me to do--scream and cry, etc. I am trying to do the LRT, but at the same time remain cordial for the sake of our kids. The hardest part is the not pursuing, not talking about the relationship. So many questions I want to ask. Part of me also thinks that he is getting what he wants by me attempting to be cordial and calm. Maybe I do need to scream and cry. This is the part where I could use some opinions.
As I’ve read more here and talked to others I have realized that I think he is in MLC mode. I’ve been reflecting and thinking and reading here a lot over the last several days. Trying to figure out what I should be doing: GAL, don’t pursue, doing what he doesn’t expect (180’s) but being there. The “courtship” came back to me this morning. I remembered who/what I was then. I didn’t pursue. I was afraid of being hurt--imagine that. I wasn’t always available to him. I did things on my own with friends. I had a life away from his. My life didn’t revolve around him. When we did see one another I had interesting things to share. I listened and was truly interested in what he had to say. It was a bit of a dance-move forward, move back, move forward, move back. I did little, nice things for him. I didn’t say I love you first.
I think that remembering that courtship will help me in doing what I need to do now. It’s helping me GAL. Don’t pursue. He’s hurt me enough. There has to be some hesitation. Be friendly. Be calm. That is my 180. It’s not what he would expect me to do in this situation. (I think???) He expects me to be scared, and I am, but I’m not going to let him see the fear. It’s hard not to reach out to him. A habit of 28 years is hard to break overnight. I have to forgive myself for my mistakes along the way here. I’m doing little, funny gestures. Leaving the bathroom scale at a silly number He noticed it and said something about it..
We did have a talk yesterday about the kids and telling them what is happening. It had to be done. We didn’t talk about future plans. I’ve somewhat managed to put that on the back burner in asking for time. I have to think through how to do that a bit more. It’s a conversation that we need to have, but I don’t want to be the one to start it. It’s his thing. Let him do it.
Other things: take care of myself. Look good at all times as possible. Laugh with the kids. Reach out to people and let others be my sounding board--not him.
I really need someone here to look at what I'm doing and tell me if I'm on the right track in DBing. Thanks
I too am DBing, and to me it looks like you're doing all the right things. One of the most painful, hardest things I've had to learn is PATIENCE. I'm still not an expert, but I'm learning as I go along. I've found that I've become a stronger man than I've ever been in my life. I'm still hurt, but I handle it better. I get angry, but I handle it better. I'm doing the same things you're doing right now....and at this point I can do nothing else except be patient. Good luck to you and yours :-)
LarsB--thank you for responding. It's hard for me to spend time here on the weekends. I too wish for you great luck and patience as we go through this process.
I really need to reach out this morning. I'm trying to get control of my emotions. I'm still shaky. It really was a stupid thing that sent me to the land of fear this morning. H did his laundry last night. This morning it was all neatly folded on our bed. Often he puts it away immediatedly. It so reminded me of how it looks when he packs for a longer trip that instantly I thought he was going to leave. I knew that he had a doctor's appt. this morning and a day full of errands planned. He told me that yesterday. Instead I went to the "bad place." I didn't say anything to him, and walked outside to water the flowers and calm myself down. As he was leaving I wished him a good day and good luck at the Dr.'s. I made a couple of excuses to be in our bedroom/bathroom--putting away some stray shoes, etc. Too close to pursuing behavior I think.
I really need some people to read through this one today. I need some help.
