This is my first time to post, so I apologize if I am posting in the wrong area. My life has been like a roller coaster for the past 16 months. My husband of almost 12 years and the father of my 4 young kids has been involved in an affair off and on for this time period. He has gone from "being in love" with her to begging me back, promising me he will prove he is faithful and committed to our marriage and family back to her and then back to begging again. He filed for divorce a few months ago and then he dropped it 2 weeks later, moving back in (I had kicked him out). We had been doing very well for the most part the last several weeks, but I started to suspect that he was speaking to this woman again. I checked his email last night while he was sleeping, and I found emails between the two of them telling each other "I love you." I've been to my wit's end and back again. What do I need to do?
almostperfect, Sorry about your roller coaster of pain. I would read Divorce Remedy. Read many posts here on Newcomers. You will find wisdom, kinship and many situations like your own. Read upon boundaries. Threre's a thread here on Newcomers about it; you might have to do some searching to find it, though. Post more information about you and your situation.. Vent here when you just feel like letting go or trying out ideas here first, etc. There is an Infidelity Forum, though I am not familiar with it. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there. Others will be along, soon.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Pretty much what Gardener just said. Your boundaries are going to be one of the biggest things. Plus, as long as your husband has any contact with this OW, full repair of your M will be next to impossible. One of the boundaries that you will need will be transparency with your husband. He will need to be able to prove to you that he is not having contact with OW. That means allowing you full access to e-mail, phone, cell phone, phone bills and records, etc.... Shock
Pretty much what Gardener just said. Your boundaries are going to be one of the biggest things. Plus, as long as your husband has any contact with this OW, full repair of your M will be next to impossible. One of the boundaries that you will need will be transparency with your husband. He will need to be able to prove to you that he is not having contact with OW. That means allowing you full access to e-mail, phone, cell phone, phone bills and records, etc.... Shock
this. ^
Had you done this previously, you wouldn't be in your current predicament. Your husband will either be too weak to pull it off, but at least you'll have clarity and your freedom, or he will step up and respond to the new, higher standard that you set for your marriage.
Put more simply, your husband will begin respecting your marriage when YOU do -- no sooner. He can't simply keep waltzing in and out of it, with no lasting consequences.
Thank you for your comments. I know each of you is correct; I need to establish boundaries. However, I'm sure each of you can either sympathize or empathize that establishing boundaries and sticking with them is easier said than done. I've searched the site for guidelines for establishing boundaries, but any suggestions you have are greatly appreciated.
We have all been there. It is difficult, you do want to trust your WAS. However, at this point you can not. Believe nothing you hear, and only believe half of what you see.
Bounday: Cut ALL communication to OW and provide complete transparency on any and all forms of possible communication with OW. Consequence: If unable to do so, then you need to find a new place to live. I WILL NOT SHARE MY SPOUSE.
Thank you, ShockedOne, for your suggestion. I told my husband earlier today that he needs to make a decision by the weekend on what his choice is going to be...it's me or her, and if it's me, then there is need for a lot of change. He got very angry with me, and said he's "done." I told him that is fine if that is his decision; I just need for a decision to be made and to start moving on with my life, either with him or without. I asked him when we are going to talk to the kids about splitting...that I needed to know if that was in his plan for this evening before my two oldest are home from school. He sent me a text not long after saying he can't talk to the kids about it tonight; he's not in the "right state of mind" (well, that's obvious)! Not sure where things will go from here, but I'm done talking with him about this. He needs to get his life together or get out. I've been down this road before. He doesn't have the guts to leave, but he isn't man enough to let the thrill of emailing with the OW go. Pray for him...he needs it.
I've been down this road before. He doesn't have the guts to leave, but he isn't man enough to let the thrill of emailing with the OW go. Pray for him...he needs it.
I like you. You're snarky.
I'm sorry you find yourself here and in this sitch (again).
You are in great hands. Everyone here is wonderful.
HUGS to you!
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
Almost ~ Stop allowing this. You gave a man a week to decide if he wants you or not? No ma'am. You say, "H, I will not live in an open marriage. It is disrespectful to me and a horrible model for our children. Will you end your affair now and be transparent with your cell phone, email and whereabouts to regain my trust?" If he says no, you have one response and one response only: "I will begin interviewing lawyers in the morning. Use this week to find a place, and if you don't pick up your belongings by the end of the weekend, I will store them in the garage for you until you can come for them."
Then stick by it.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Snarky...I like that! In all seriousness, 'kicking my husband to the curb,' which is exactly what I know he deserves, isn't as easy as it sounds. We have four young children together, whose feelings must be considered. I'm not worried about me; I know that despite the pain, which is severe, I will be okay. I have a great supportive family, friends and unwavering faith that the Lord has great plans for me to prosper. But I do worry about my kids, whose lives were practically perfect and certainly ideal before my husband filed for divorce in March. They continue to walk on eggshells when they sense the moments are tense. I know my two oldest are waiting for the "other shoe to drop" much like I have been. I have to handle myself with integrity and class at every turn, because I have 4 sets of little eyes looking to me. And they need to know that their mother did everything in her power, and reached far beyond what she thought she could, to save the marriage. Like all of you either are or have been, I'm prayerful and hopeful my husband will eventually wake and realize what horrible mistakes he has made. He has awoken times before, and he has been guilt-ridden, no matter that I'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut about what a real jerk he has been. But he is an addict to this affair; it gives him a thrill to text and email with this woman. And while I understand I'm a wee biased, this woman is not attractive, she has a reputation for being a very mean person and is not a "good" mother. I've had to realize that isn't about looks or being a "better" person, but rather they each found someone who is willing to stoop as low as they have and continue to do.
