I have not been on for a few weeks maybe even a month. since then i have gone back to work and got ready for the summer off sort of, atleast 4 weeks before the next school year starts.
i look at my two young kidos almost 3 yr old girl and 3 month old boy and i hug them and smile at them just about all day and night. they are most defintely my happiness.
i have reconnected somewhat with a great friend of mine for over 18 years. he recently broke off his engagement and we speak/text once or twice a month.
h is scared to watch both kids on his own, if he sees them he usually wants to leave son with me or his mother or he takes his mother with him to care for son.
meanwhile, i've gotten on horrible haircut with both kidos in tow and a corrected haircut with kids in tow. we do everything together, bookstore, groceryshop, even park one day, take walks and we are getting ready to fly on an airplane the 3 of us to daughter 18 graduation out of state!
it is tough to care for both kidos, but im doing it and it has made me even stronger. you would be so suprised how strong a person can get, i was strong before. sure i'd like some time to myself but feel guilty especially when i went back to work, when i did return to work, holly cow was i exhausted, get up early get them ready take them or they were picked up work, on 20 min lunch pumping milk then off from work to pick them up home to get dinner and baths by then i was dead tired trying to stay awake past 7 pm. but we did it and the sparkling little eyes that look back at me' one with teeth the other with gums just does it all. I am happy.
about the h: do i miss him i can't say that i do. i miss what could have been. him sharing precious moments with us, fixing the house, just being a family and vacations, ect. he is NOT going to come out of his fog because it is not a fog, it is who he is.
we have been seperated since nov09 and we have some good days and of course he does stupid crap i blow up and we are back to ground zero. i think he was under the impression we were working things out- how do i know? family bday party, he had to work- he told me to go. i did not go so he says i fyou would have went to the party it would have shown me that i was with him.
he has secretly put expectations on me and apparently i am supposed to have my crystal ball fixated on his wants reading his mind so i can change.
i get money from him every now and then, he can not follow a schedule nor will he ever.
what am i going to do: set some updated weekly personal goals, i've graduated from the being able to shower every day and going out to one place with the kids to much more.
by the end of july get 20 lbs off my body have solid child care for son have part time school for d reliable transportation
I'm not thinking about dating and not concerned about it. i don't have time with work and both kidos. they give me so much. kind of like well if it happens it does if not it doesn't.
i cant say to set any goals with h, i can not control what other people do.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
I don't have to wait a year for an afair to break up or run its course, there never was one. he's not going to have a great enlightenment of how he should treat me or how he should be as a husband and father. it is not in him.
he is the type of man that is happy with seeing his kids every once and a while, pushing blame on everyone else, never putting himself outside himself into another's shoes or perspective. never improving his lot in life, just always trying to get by or scam a situation to his benefit taking an easy way out.
his loyalty is to his parents sisters brothers strangers ect. he will always drink to self medicate will always have his pride stop him from everything, he will always be afraid, put me last and have 2 faces infront of everyone.
he is the father of my 2 youngest children, he will tire of the situation as he has in the past and months will pass he won't be in their lives.
i will stop having any feelings for him, my kidos will get older. i am a successful woman, great mom and not worried about a man loving me or being in my life. my kids give me more then any man could have.
i feel sorry for him deeply though, he knows he is a mess up to put it lightly and he is ok with it.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
