Hi everyone, I have been lurking here on and off since joining. The truth is I'm not sure my sitch fits the MLC profile (though coinciding with the bomb has been a new found obsession by my H with hockey and a renewed interest in Internet porn). Actually, I feel like I don't really fit anywhere completely in the DB universe. My H and I have had a sex-starved marriage for a long time. He is not exactly a WAS but he doesn't want to connect with me. I'm just in a weird limboland and I desperately feel the need for consistent support.
I believe I am in a situation of mostly my own making and I'm trying hard to change my ways but it's very difficult. I've got serious control issues and it's a big struggle for me to maintain calm in the face of the chaos that is my life with three young children and a full-time+ work schedule. While I think I am doing gobs better than I have in the past. I feel as though my H is scrutinizing my every move and whenever I mess up (i.e., become frustrated, angry, impatient) it's further evidence that I haven't changed and that he should not recommit to the marriage. The stress of that alone is driving me nuts. Beyond that I also want so much to connect with him which I know just pushes him further away but having him so close by and yet so far away is extremely painful. Lastly, I often find myself irritated by his moods and on and off distancing behaviors. Perhaps this is all about my impatience. I am in IC and my therapist thinks that things are moving - just very slowly. I have spoken with a DB coach once (second session scheduled for tomorrow). All of that support is great but I need more steady input. I'm finding that keeping the correct frame of mind is something akin grasping jello, it just wiggles out of my hands. I would like more of a daily check-in to keep my 'stinkin thinkin' in check and I'm hoping I've come to the correct place to get that.
In short then, I'm asking if can I camp out in this forum and get some good feedback from the wise sages that frequent this board even if I'm not dealing with a 'classic case' of MLC? I promise to offer to others as much as I've got to give.
A P.S. I am not encouraged to learn that Al and Chipper are calling it quits at 40 years!
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Sounds like he is in MLC
But lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
P.S. I am not encouraged to learn that Al and Chipper are calling it quits at 40 years!
Why? Not your life, not your concern.
No one here is an expert...or as far as I know a paid mental health professional. So it is up to you to determine if you think your H fits into an MLC.
A couple of points to be made,
Unless you come off as full blown pain in the asss. No one here is going to be mean on purpose. If something seems mean? Try and see if could be read another way. OR there might be be a reason to provoke a reaction.
If something stings? Then YOU might want to examine it. Case in point?
If I called you fat, and you were are and not happy about it, It is going to sting and I am a jerk.
If I called you fat, and you are but you are very ok with your body image or lets say you are skinny. Then even though I am a jerk, it isn't going to sting.
If something said 'stings' it is up to you to examine why it does...and hopefully not knee jerk lash out.
Welcome to the best worst place to be by the way.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
sorry that you have to be here. there are some awesome ppl on this board, though, and looks like some have already come your way.
just to let you know, your sitch doesn't sound that "unfitted" in the DB world...many of us are going through similar stuff (even if it looks diff't): spouse not connected, walking on eggshells, limboland, moodiness (from both sides!), control issues, feeling like poop, etc. also, i hear you on not knowing whether it's MLC or WAS (i'm still in that boat!) but i think most say it doesn't really matter.
i also think it's great you're talking to a coach. they are really able to tailor a game plan that works for your sitch. and of course the support network here is great.
Sweetie, don't worry about what you think of as his scrutiny. Measure yourself by your own yardstick in terms of where you are and where you want to be.
Generally, I think if we know how little others thought of us, we wouldn't be so worried about what they thought of us.
I thought of you over the weekend. We went to see our first drive-in movie on Friday and saw Shrek Forever After. It just made me crack up because essentially the movie is about Shrek having a MLC!!
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Old Pilot - As soon as I finish this awful report that is hanging over my head - I will check out those resources. I was supposed to start working on this report when the bomb hit and have been unable to get back to it but I'm in a much better place now and there's nothing like a sword dangling over your head to make you act NOW.
Jack - er - I'm not sure if you just called me fat (LOL) but I get your point - and I'm on it!
Pandora - nice to know I am not alone in limboland!
Truegritter thanks for chiming in!
Grace - generally I agree that what other people think of me is none of my business but when it's your H and your M is hanging in the balance it's tough to keep that perspective.
Thanks again to all for making me feel welcome!
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Hi - welcome to the MLC rollercoaster....yep...that right rollercoaster. You will go up, you will go down, you will go in circle, you will go sideways...then you will STOP.
When you STOP you will listen, learn, and grow...then guess what happens...YOU WILL FLY.
Jack pointed out a few things that you should keep in mind. If it stings...well then...it's what Jack said.
Quote:
I believe I am in a situation of mostly my own making
Well that's good - you already know what one of the issues is, which is a good first start.
Quote:
I'm trying hard to change my ways but it's very difficult.
Change does not happen over night. I am sure you know this.
Quote:
I've got serious control issues and it's a big struggle for me to maintain calm in the face of the chaos that is my life
From one control freak to another....this change will be the hardest. It will take faith and patiences...Oh...did I just say the "P" word to a control freak. Sorry.. Seriously, this will take time. Right now you are on a train with no conductor and you feel like you have no control. Guess what you may not realize now but this is a good place for you to be. Yep...you will have NO choice but to give up control.
Feel free to camp out and keep posting.We all learn from each other.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Seriously, this will take time. Right now you are on a train with no conductor and you feel like you have no control. Guess what you may not realize now but this is a good place for you to be. Yep...you will have NO choice but to give up control.