Long story summarized in my signature at the end. I used to be a "regular" on here.
Valentine's Day was a wake up call of the amount of time we have been back together and things have not improved between us. It's been over a year. There are no intimate times between us, there is no laughter, no happiness, and I have lost desire now as well.
I've shut down. Of course, H "wakes up" all the sudden again, and wants to know what's wrong. This time I'm firm and say I won't speak to him about it unless we have a counselor present. H got one, amazingly. Counselor is pro-marriage, has all of the DB books on her shelf, and all of the ones I've read. She's good. I only wish we'd found her sooner.
I feel it is too late. I feel like if we didn't have it to start, if we couldn't get it after reuniting, .......we've tried everything.
What's holding us together is our son, and finances. Would life with someone else be happier? Maybe yes. But, part time with my son would make me miserable.
So do I just stay for my son?
Hope to hear from my old friends as well as maybe some new ones. Wonder if anyone is still around.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
I remember you, I hope that you remember me also. I encouraged you to go to Retrouvaille, and you did go, but for some reason it didn't get you all the way to where you need to be. I am sorry it didn't work all the way for you. i hope this therapist will be able to take you the rest of the way. As I remember, OM was finally completely out of your heart. And you were going to read The Little Prince for inspiration (I always find that book inspiring). I do believe that the heart can follow actions. And I know you have tried. Perhaps your H was not reciprocating. I don't know. But give this a try. And let us know how it goes.
And you can always play word twist with me again if you have time!
Noticed this in your sig. So as you reconciled after the first bomb, did you follow some of the bad advice given here, like pretend that you're happy, speak positive, don't let him think that you're upset, don't chase or pursue?
Basically, did you act like what you thought HE wanted you to be. Instead of being honest and following your own heart, such as crying when you felt hurt?
I'm asking this because I'm starting to realize that people who follow some of these rules (I'm not saying all) just puts a band-aid over a broken leg. If you fake your personality to get him back, then sooner or later, you'll get tired of faking and you'll be having the same problems you did in the first place.
I see so many people say that if they acted how they truly felt, it would push their spouse away. But that's really a positive. I'd rather my spouse leave me for who I am than stay with a person whom I'm not.
Which is a long way of saying: What did you or your H not to make the marriage work?
Lotus- Of course I remember you. You were there for me when I was at my worst point. Just remembering how we got through that should tell me we have come somewhat far. But, that's disaster mode. Almost easier to get through that than when nothing is there.
Retrouvaille did get us to a place of letting the past be in the past and forgiveness. It gave us hope after what we had been through. What it didn't do was give us something to understand how to get something we never had.
Heart following actions. This is what I held close to my heart and used as a silent mantra to get through it. But, it hasn't worked. Everything is "fake".
Knittedscarf- I'm not sure what we didn't do. I think that is what we are hoping upon all hopes that we figure out. I didn't act like a different person...the only pretending I did was pretend like our marriage was a good one. The counselor is trying to get my H to speak more about his feelings, including the bad ones. I have said I'm tired of the "fake H", and I want the real one...even if it is bad. I don't know if he is capable of doing this.
Sandi- Hi there, Friend. I was hoping things were getting better, too. How's your situation? OM is out of my heart. I do think of him, just like I think of any guy from my past, but no yearning. I do wonder about being happier with someone else...in fact, I do believe I would be happier with someone else....but the security, finances, and lack of time with my son would make me unhappy.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
H and I both have health problems, but our R is doing really good. I am at peace now and have not wondered back into thinking that I can be happier with somebody else (especially OM from the EA). I have learned what triggers fantasies in my mind and I am watchful about that. I use a lot of caution, like staying away from Internet games... and things of that nature. I have learned so much from the DB Board and I believe I will not be careless about my M or flirt with fire again.
My heart goes out to you b/c I can tell you are so unhappy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, Sandi. I am so unhappy. I'm at that point that I remember hearing other people come on here and say, and my response was not to give up...etc.
When is it ok to move on? If it weren't for the fact that we had problems from the first year of marriage, I wouldn't feel this way. If it were a matter of "getting back the love we once had" that would be different. Our marriage has been a sham since day one. We are comfortable together, we are good friends, but our marriage was never the way it should be. I kept trying to say it was getting better.....but to never "connect" deeply with your spouse and to continue to live this way is cruel.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
Thanks, Saffie. Looks like I will reside back in my homeplace of infidelity/affair thread.
M 39 H 39 1 son, 7
Multiple affairs before/during/and after separation, came clean, went to Retrouvaille, forgave each other, Piecing for over a year, same problems exist, back to counseling
and things of that nature. I have learned so much from the DB Board and I believe I will not be careless about my M or flirt with fire again.