WAW EA told her to leave

[Puppy Dog Tails]

DD,

I would have rather seen you reply with:

"Not sure what I'm thinking at this point. Why do you want to do the marriage counseling?" -- and bounced it back to her.

Waywards spin from pro-OP stage, to "conflicted" stage, to pro-marriage stage, back to "conflicted," and all over that same map - -many times. It's the "plates spinning on the sticks" analogy that I reference often on the forum. I would say she's gone from "pro-OP" (or, at least, pro-D) stage back to "conflicted" stage, and this has upset her equilibrium.

It's important that you not (if you're like me!) RESCUE her from these conflicted feelings, or even move to MINIMIZE them. THEY'RE HEALTHY, and it's best that you don't "jump" too quickly, and instead push them back onto her again. Think of it like a tennis match -- "ball's back in your court, dear!"

Puppy

[DangerDave]

Hi Puppy - so as typical with me, the cat's out of the bag on the woulda coulda shoulda - so what's your advice on my move from here?


DD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's why I wrote the final two paragraphs, Dave, and didn't just leave you with the glib woulda-coulda-shoulda.

You seem to constantly want to rescue her, going back to the "large sum of money" gift you wanted to give her. I've been trying to tell you that this kind of approach rarely works.

Let her know that YOU are conflicted!!

Puppy

[DangerDave]

Hey Puppy - that was MY glib remark - wasn't implying that it came from you really!

So going back to say that I'm conflicted on entering into CC at this point, What are you looking to get from marriage counseling?

That sum it up??

DD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

For starters, I wouldn't bring it (MC) up again. If she's sincere, she'll bring it up again. For now, keep focusing on the behaviors (light, fun, busy/GAL, etc.) that you were doing to draw her from "pro-D/OM" camp back into the "conflicted" camp.

If/when she brings it up, you'll have your second chance at the response that I suggested above.

Puppy

[DangerDave]

Greek - if you're out here love to hear from you if you have the time to catch up on me!

Thanks

DD

[Greek]

So the big event of this week was a text message she sent me yesterday morning - we have been talking and getting along very well - almost like pre-bomb or even better. The message she sent is " Do you want to find us a couples counselor, cause this is getting too stressful, could be why my stomach is such a mess". I replied with a " Yes, I'd love to" and that's where it has been left.

So I don't know if this is part of the heavy lifting that Greek implied that needs to be started on her part or if it is a way for her to get me into a deeper R discussion that would reinforce her wishes to leave - sort of a way to get me to "See the Light" that she simply wants out and a counselor may be the one to help her get me to acknowledge that as fact and move on?

I think, taken within the context of all that has been of late, yes - this could be her doing some heavy lifting. No one knows but her. You go for your reasons. When you get there, if she's set you up, don't go back.

I imagine her stomach is a mess at this time. It's stressful. When I read LBS on here, I get the feeling they think that it's all fun and games walking away and walking back. Nothing could be further from the truth. I stressed, worried, second guessed, was mad at myself, disappointed a lot of the time, confused.... everybody's looking for answers.

Greek

[DangerDave]

Thanks for the insight Greek and Puppy! I always look forward to the different views of everyone here and appreciate everyone's comments - from the right , left and middle - they all add up to very constructive advice for me really!

Onward and Forward!

DD

[koliver0821]

I know that this will be hard to handle but when someone is involved with a complicated decision, they will often waver back and forth. The stress of working through her issues and the future will undoubtedly cause strain on both of you.

The fact that she gets conflicted even a little is good news. it means she has noticed changes and you are making it more difficult for her to just move on. She probably thought it would be easier to get out. I mean it seems like such an easy decision.

Do all the hard work to get the relationship to work.
Or
Blame the relationship on the issues that made the relationship fail.

[DangerDave]

Hey all!

Another big big day is here - first go at CC with an Imago therapist!

We had an up and down weekend for my Birthday, Friday she was totally po'd about my lack of support for her to go out riding with her friend on Saturday (my bday) and leaving me home with the kids to sort out the day and wait for her "arrival" later in the afternoon. She also threw out that a GF of her's asked her to go rafting that day as well, one of our kids was all for it too (not realizing the bday) - I thought both were amazingly self centered and probably another test to goad me into an angry response. I simply did not give any support (no have fun, do you what you want) just stayed quiet or whatever to either one(what did she expect?)and maintained composure. Saturday she simply hit the gym, returned home early and since the whole family was there, put on a smiley face for the rest of the day.

First thing Sunday she was out early for a ride at 7am, coming home around noon. She did say that she told her bike pals that she was in a *itty mood that morning, I said that I didn't do anything to piss her off, she just said it's everything going on -her typical response. She also said that it seemed to her that I didn't want her going on Saturday which made her angry, told her I never said that (and why care if so?). She also told me about her plans for the gym this am - sleep on the way to the concert and back so she could still get up and make her 4:45am class - boy it's good to have your priorities down!

Concert went ok - dinner there was more R talk than I hoped for but I think it may have worked out well. She was going down the path of all the hurt and anger I've caused, my missing out on life, the kids and more and that she knew where "I was at" in the R. Well I turned it I think to throwing her off the scent - I asked why she even came tonight, she said that it was the right thing to do(as a W I suppose)and didn't want to hurt me. I just said it would have hurt a bit, I could have brought one of the kids or a friend and had a good time just the same. I also said that our R couldn't continue like this for much longer, it wasn't healthy at all. She replied with "Well maybe I don't know where you are then?)- I simply reinforced that no she doesn't and she can't read my mind nor I hers. She said we're just two strangers to each other living together - I know it upset her apple cart! She went back to the I don't know who you are, and I changed and is just waiting for the bomb of me returning to my past to drop(told here IC that as well she said). I told her that she too had changed and like her own statement, not all for the good and left it at that.

So was posting this morning on FB and she im'd me there - she said she's scared about our appt today, I told her I was as well. Also asked if she really wanted to converse via im's, that I'm not used to it - she said yes as she feels she feels afraid of me at getting angry at her (which has not happened at all for months)when talking face to face. Told her fine if that's how she wants to talk I'd go along and that she has nothing to fear from me now or ever. I also told her she scares me everyday too, but that those feelings are mine and would tell her about them if and when I want to. Simply said that I hope this Dr. can help, she replied with "What do you expect out of this Dr?)I said first that it was a loaded question that I wasnt going to answer and she knew it and two that "It will be what WE make it to be" and that's how it ended.

So 4pm to the Imago T and we will see how it goes, she doesn't have a clue about this type of T, so her ideal of being able to vent all her resentment, anger and justification of leaving probably won't evolve as she envisions.

Any last minute advice before heading into the frying pan (from out of the fire! - s/b cooler there!!)

Thanks All

DD