WAW EA told her to leave

[DangerDave]

Moved this to here form the Infidelity forum - originalpost is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1999862#Post1999862

Hello everyone again, it's been a tough couple of weeks here but I do want to update where I'm at with my WAW and her EA.

Well this week she went to see a therapist and get her mind sorted. Seemed like a good idea although I was pretty nervous of the outcome. After the meeting she seemed pretty upbeat and talkative and the tension eased ogg at home quite a bit. She sent me a text that she wanted to get together and talk about us, gave me some hope that maybe she was seeing all my 180's and was having second thoughts about leaving.

We spoke last night and she started right off by saying that she was still in the same place, wanting to leave and had no desire to continue the marriage. Well so much for hope, but had to keep an open mind until then!

I've studied hundreds of posts here and really have focused on Allan A's and Sandi2's advice lines here and have sort of blended the two together for my own db plan.

After hearing her intentions again, I went to a calm manner and stated matter of factually that since she was the one who wanted out, then she should leave and I'll even help you pack. Also that since she was the one have the EA and cheating on me and our family, I couldn't bear the hurt that was going on any longer and would not live that way in this house any longer. Well the Sh_t did hit fan and all hell did break loose - sandi2 was spot on - she still would not accept the affair as she was not sleeping with him, but I had to explain what an EA was and added that the first phone call she made after her therapy was to him. Things got a little elevated and I did lose some composure honestly and called her a cheating bitch, but I'm not sorry - I still love here but what a huge relief to get this all out. The whole conversation and or argument lasted a lot longer and covered way too many subjects - including my emotional abuse to her over the last 15 year (which I do accept) but I can't change the past and can only work forward. It wasnt as clean as all of the advice here but I did the best I could and made a strong statement.

She has no where to go except her mothers - which is where she should go as she only has a part time job and thinks the kids -13/15/19 will all go with her - they might but they will miss their home and will have some tough choices to make soon. We have not discussed how to tell the - that's going to hard without pointing fingers back and forth but I know I can do it right.

I've blocked her cell phone form any contact with him - she should figure that out today as she's out all day riding again. It will be interesting if she even comments on the block. As for her computer, I will see if I can block the wifi to her laptop - not sure if I can at this point.

My next step is no relationship with her other than kid stuff/issues and plan on as little contact and interaction as possible. I am going to wait a few days for further reaction and play it by ear - but the exit of her is not negotiable unless she ends the EA and wants to head to consoling.

The next step will be to contact the OMW - it's really hard to get to her without him there - he's a contractor that works from home and it's just hard - he's gone Friday mornings I have learned from my intel so that will be window to make initial contact with her. All I can do is explain the situation as I see it and hopefully get the phone logs into her hands. It's clear that my W is pursuing him, while I may already be outed by them to her, it's still worth trying I suppose.

She offered to leave last night as I was kicking her out on the street she said, but I said that she could take some time to figure out where to go. We have a family outing with all the kids tomorrow and she wants to know if she's still invited - if she doesn't go the kids may not want to go as well - so I'm really torn on that right now.

Looking for opinions and other stratgic things I should be doing at this new juncture of DB'ing??

Thanks

DangerDave

[Greek]

After hearing her intentions again, I went to a calm manner and stated matter of factually that since she was the one who wanted out, then she should leave and I'll even help you pack. Also that since she was the one have the EA and cheating on me and our family, I couldn't bear the hurt that was going on any longer and would not live that way in this house any longer. Well the Sh_t did hit fan and all hell did break loose - sandi2 was spot on - she still would not accept the affair as she was not sleeping with him, but I had to explain what an EA was and added that the first phone call she made after her therapy was to him.

Well done.

Things got a little elevated and I did lose some composure honestly and called her a cheating bitch, but I'm not sorry - I still love here but what a huge relief to get this all out.

Note to self for next time: "reign that emotion in b/c it then leads to:

The whole conversation and or argument lasted a lot longer and covered way too many subjects - including my emotional abuse to her over the last 15 year

...which is how she turned it on you.

I've blocked her cell phone form any contact with him - she should figure that out today as she's out all day riding again.

Appropriate. You should not have to provide the means for her to take your family down.

My next step is no relationship with her other than kid stuff/issues and plan on as little contact and interaction as possible. I am going to wait a few days for further reaction and play it by ear - but the exit of her is not negotiable unless she ends the EA and wants to head to consoling.

Good plan.

The next step will be to contact the OMW - it's really hard to get to her without him there - he's a contractor that works from home and it's just hard - he's gone Friday mornings I have learned from my intel so that will be window to make initial contact with her. All I can do is explain the situation as I see it and hopefully get the phone logs into her hands. It's clear that my W is pursuing him, while I may already be outed by them to her, it's still worth trying I suppose.

I say sooner rather than later. Why do you have to wait until he is not there? The longer you wait, the more time he has to set the table on an explanation she'll buy.

She offered to leave last night as I was kicking her out on the street she said, but I said that she could take some time to figure out where to go. We have a family outing with all the kids tomorrow and she wants to know if she's still invited - if she doesn't go the kids may not want to go as well - so I'm really torn on that right now.

She's testing your resolve to this. Tell her 'Yes, as long as you are in contact with OM, you need to be out of the family home. Find a Residence Inn. The family outing - I'm taking my family. That includes you if and only if you are not involved in an A."

I think you are doing ok with this, DDave. Stay clear. Hold your ground b/c you really have gained some.
Greek

[DangerDave]

Thanks Greek - I'll send her a text about tomorrow - thats how she asked me-

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well done, DDave!!! Big kudos to you, sir -- I know that wasn't easy.

She may be livid at the moment, but I guarantee you you've earned some respect.

Puppy

[DangerDave]

Oh one other thing - she hasn't worn her weddings rings for a couple of months now, so Ive secured them in a safe place -they are worth too much to me and I would hate to see her toss them or sell them - that too heavy here?

[DangerDave]

Hey everyone - well it Tuesday morning and I had a pretty significant weekend with my WAW - actually I think all the advice and strategies are working pretty well - it's just all about patience and more patience!

After the huge blowup Friday, Greek on the NC board made a suggestion regarding our family outing on Sunday- " I'm taking my family, that includes you if and only if you are not having any type of affair with him - end it now". Well I sent it to her via tm as that's here preferred way to communicate these days and got a message back that she wanted to talk again that night. We hadn't seen each other all day as I was gone when she left for a all day bike ride - no problem.

So when she did get home she wanted to know where I had been - just out was the reply, and I'm tired I'm going to bed. She followed right up, when we got to bed I asked her if she was going in the morning with us and she said yes, I then asked if she got my tm as well - yes and fine she said she would end all contact with OM - tm, phone, gym, facebook, bike rides and any other contact period. She said fine, but it would not change her mind about anything by not talking with him, but I held fast with the Allen A mantra and left no quarter. She also brought up my FB list and threw out there that how did she know that I wasn't doing the same with my "friends" as well, I asked her why would she care and got a troubled "I don't know" - another plus! Her real fear may be that the kids will find out and paint her as the bad guy I think - but it's still a step in the right direction. First thing in the morning she told me without asking her that he was off her lists- so step one!

The family outing went very well, we all got along great, showed some more 180's and had a very good day especially with everything going on. Monday came along and we both got a bit of a shocker from our oldest S22, he called her and wanted to know what was going on between us, that we were getting divorced and she was leaving the home. Well turns out that we had both shared our situation with some very close friends - here with the wife and me with the husband - which then got to their daughter and she told our oldest D19 who called our S22. Well obviously not the way we wanted to discuss the situation with them, but we both talked to them together and she did say that we didn't know what was going to happen and we were in limbo and that nothing was going to happen at least through the end of summer with everyone home. So at least 3 months of busting my butt on my 180's and lifestyle changes - another positive imo. She also went on to say to me that she was still in the "same place" but maybe she needed to talk to another therapist that wasn't so closed minded, someone with other ideas and options (something like that). I brought up joint counseling and did not push - just a seed of thought, I've found that is solution based from the list posted on the boards here.

This morning we were talking quite nicely together and she did bring up that she would need someone new to ride with (OM was riding with her) and I did not push the comment just listened to the new names that were all couples, another plus.

As far as exposure to the OMW - well I think I am going to see how this plays out for a bit - wait and see how long the phone block discovery takes if at all and take from there- my personal therapist has made a good point I think in that exposure could be a significant setback as she would probably see me as hurting a friend and elevate resentment even further - so it's a wait a see approach from here - she blows up on the block and that's my cue to take it to the next level. I told her I trust her - as she doesn't trust me in the least as to my 180's being real - so a bit of in your face - let's see how she does......

All for now and thanks all!

DangerDave

[Greek]

As far as exposure to the OMW - well I think I am going to see how this plays out for a bit - wait and see how long the phone block discovery takes if at all and take from there- my personal therapist has made a good point I think in that exposure could be a significant setback as she would probably see me as hurting a friend and elevate resentment even further - so it's a wait a see approach from here - she blows up on the block and that's my cue to take it to the next level. I told her I trust her - as she doesn't trust me in the least as to my 180's being real - so a bit of in your face - let's see how she does......

I agree - I think you can hold that card for now. Wait to see if W really takes seriously the boundary you put down. If you get a whiff later that she is playing you, you could use that card at that time.

Remember Reagan to the Russians ~~~ Trust, but Verify.

Well done, Dave!
Greek

[DangerDave]

Hello again! Time for an update and I hope some more solid advice! So chime in if you have the time!

It's been about two weeks since my last post, and I have some updates!

The OM seems to be out at this point, the cells' been blocked and she has not mentioned it at all - she did have one slip at the gym class - thought he was on vacation and her girl friend was subbing as instructor and it wasn't. She came clean when I inquired and I simply and calmly reminded her of the NC clause that she agreed to - I said nothing else in terms of consequences - she said that she had complied with all the other "rules" and didn't know - I'll go with that - strike one in the back of my mind - but a check swing so to speak.

So onto my GAL and 180's - 180's are working pretty well I think, dressing nicely, looking sharp always, chatting with her about her work and biking, my new house hold routines continue, and working more closely with the kids - all which I like as well - nice to be part of the household!

As for GAL's - well this is where it kinda, maybe, sorta went backwards, I'm not sure really!!

1.So as part of my new life adventure I got a tattoo a week plus ago, first one ever, always wanted one and didnt tell her - was waiting until healed - she wanted to know why I was wearing a shirt to bed and just told her I would tell her later. Well Saturday afternoon it came up again and she was getting po'd that I was being elusive about it - so off came the shirt and there it was - she was a bit shocked and speechless - "it's your body do what you want" but she did want to know the significance of the design ect later.

2. That same Saturday she new I was going out to a dinner party alone, with some acquaintances, not close friends, that was part of a charity fundraiser - quite the upper class set as well - a bit above us actually. As I left dressed to the 9's she asked if I was planning on coming home that night and I said " I would assume so" - not a definitive yes, but not a no either.

3. That same Saturday night I get a text from her about her wedding rings - all four of them. Another respected member here suggested that since she was not wearing them anymore that I put them in a safe place, rather than the kitchen counter porcelain box she had one set in, so I took those and her other set in our vanity and put them in my dresser in a watch box. Well she found them later that night (another text) and when I got home everything was in their original boxes along with all her Tiffany jewelery as well, waiting for for me to have back.

4. I stayed out until midnight and she came downstairs and we chatted a bit - after I read the four page hate mail letter I found on the entry table (I'll save those comments for another post). I explained why I moved her rings and that I had no intention of "taking" them from her- well that didn't sink in and she would not take them back - another nice note was left for me in the garage with some biking gear I had bought her that said "I never want anything from you!"

5. Well I put the bike gear back on her bike and put the rings all in her vanity in the boxes she had put them in - didn't touch them otherwise. I did not say a word about any of it.

6. About 3 days later she got to one of my buttons and I didn't blow up but she could tell I was upset - really upset about one of her actions. She came upstairs, I tossed her my ring and said "that's I have from you" and she stormed out, came back and started in on the R and all the control I was pushing on her- well I managed to get out of that with some lighthearted humor about her setting me up and pushing my buttons, and we were both laughing about it when we were done talking.

7. The next day I noticed that she had gotten some of the bike stuff I bought and wore it to the gym - I said nothing about it. She brought it up that evening and I gave her a look of total bewilderment - she smiled coyly and said "what?" I think I told her she was driving me crazy (in a nice way).

8. Last night she had to stay at her moms (medical reason) and I saw that she took her rings and bracelets with her - we had a party to go to that night - we had to arrive separately,I was looking very nice as was she, and she had her rings on. I told her privately that she looked beautiful and kissed her hand - trust me a 180 here for me! The rest of the party went quite well and we actually text-ed that night back and forth quite a bit - another 180.

9. Today things were ok when I got home, she was a bit stand offish, I think because she may have felt she let her guard down too far the night before. As she was heading out to shopping though, she asked why I had gotten new colonge - I said I had been using my old stuff (which she bought) for quite a while and just wanted something new. She stormed out and sent me a text 5 minutes later that said "BTW as long as we are still married, I will wear my wedding ring out of respect"

Ok so now what the hell - am I doing things right, wrong or a mixture - I can't tell what end is up or down and I think I am going crazy with this dam woman I love!

Advice or suggestions - sorry for the long post!!

DangerDave

[DangerDave]

Sandie2, Greek or Puppy- hope you all have a great weekend! Would love some advice if you get a moment!!

DD

[Greek]

I said nothing else in terms of consequences - she said that she had complied with all the other "rules" and didn't know - I'll go with that - strike one in the back of my mind - but a check swing so to speak.

Fair. It IS a small world, after all.

So onto my GAL and 180's - 180's are working pretty well I think, dressing nicely, looking sharp always, chatting with her about her work and biking, my new house hold routines continue, and working more closely with the kids - all which I like as well - nice to be part of the household!

Big smile. These is all Goodness for YOU.

Ok so now what the hell - am I doing things right, wrong or a mixture - I can't tell what end is up or down and I think I am going crazy with this dam woman I love!

Advice or suggestions - sorry for the long post!!

DangerDave

Dave,
I just think you are doing GREAT! And I see progress all around you. She is throwing all kinds of signals that you - the new and improved Dave - have her attention. Of course, she's not going to show you in the conventional way a new love interest would show you. But all those questions about the cologne, when are you coming home, and that business with the wedding rings ~~~ TERRITORIAL and shows she has interest.

Don't. Change. A. Thing!
Greek