I've been married almost 4 years. My W is 29 and I'm 36. We have a 2 year old boy. It seems that most of our issues started after our son was born. There was the added stress of sleepless nights and my W had gone P/T at work to watch him to avoid daycare. Nothing we thought we couldn't handle though, no real issues that I could see on the surface.
About 2 months ago my wife hit me with the D Bomb. She said that over the last year she has really built up a ton of resentment towards me. She explained to me that she has given me all the signs and has had conversations about our marriage but I apparently swept them under the rug. The issues were pretty common to what i've read in these forums. She needed more emotional support, help around the house, help with our son, etc....
I was unsure where all of this was coming from and I was really hit hard by this. I did some snooping and found that she had been having what I thought was an EA with her manager at work. When I found the records I was floored with all the texts that had gone back and fourth. The texts had stopped about a week prior to me finding out. When I confronted my W she said that he is just a friend who was listening to her problems, prior to him working there he was some sort of therapist. Since then I haven't noticed any interaction but who knows what happens at work. She swears to me that she would never cheat on me and would never hurt me like that. For about a month she was very ashamed of the situation and showed real signs of remorse. My trust in her though has slipped away.
FWD to present... I left the house for about a week (back home now) and started working on myself. I've taken a lot of the advise from DR and I started seeing some results. She calls more sends me texts through out the day. We haven't spoken about D for a few weeks. We went to a MC together and it went ok, I've gone back by myself for the 2nd session. She may go by herself but she hasn't made any concrete plans as of yet.
There is little or no affection from her end, she even stopped wearing her wedding rings. We sleep in the same bed which is hard for me but I enjoy her company. Rarely she'll put her hand on me or rub my back, sit right next to me on the couch while we watch TV. She even made an attempt to plan for us to go to dinner last weekend but we ended up staying home with take out and a movie, which was nice too....
I know that over the last 2 years I've been a heel. I've really picked up my game around the house and with our son. It has made me feel better about myself that I am contributing a bit more. I really want to save my marriage and I shouldn't expect it to get fixed in 2 months. I just don't want to fall into this routine where we are roommates and stay together for our son. I'm not sure if these are true signs of someone who wants a divorce. Is she just waiting to for me to screw up and fall back into the old routines? Any advise would be welcomed.
Have you initiated sex with her? I got the impression that you were waiting on her to do that. If she has shown remorse and she is making some positive moves, are you sure you aren't still in the position of being the hurt LBH and expecting her to "prove" something to you? IDK, I'm just asking.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sounds like things are moving in the right direction, counseling, you helping around the house, you recognizing that you have been a 'heel'. Be consistent. Keep it up. Is she waiting for you to screw up? I don't know if I would put it like that. I suspect she is expecting you to lose steam and revert back to your same old self. So, it's up to you to be enthusiastic and consistent. Try reading 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Maybe that will give you more ideas of how to treat your wife the way she wants to be treated.
I haven't initiated sex with her. She had told me about a month ago that she has no physical feelings for me. I thought at first that this was part of the anger she was feeling but now I'm not sure. She has complimented me at times when I'm getting ready for work so I feel like maybe there is still some sort of attraction there.
When this all began she had asked for space so I took the advise of DR and let her breathe. I felt like I needed to let her make the first move so I don't offend her or suffocate her with my needs. Sex has been the stem of several arguements in the past. She has told me since then that we stopped being intimate because of the way I was treating her and her resentment towards me.
I haven't talked about our relationship with my W because I'm afraid of what she will say. She hasn't been as cold but she is still distant. She actually researched in our state about divorce and it states that you can share the same house but no sexual contact for 6 months. I'm not sure how to breach the subject with her. Still not sure if D is off the table or if she is just following the steps??
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
I think nature might take over if you continue to be charming, fun, sexy, etc., but not touchy-touchy. Let the sexual tension build for her. If she sees you being prince charming but not trying to intiate sex....not even acting like you're interested in going to be with her, then that could be a challenge to her and stir something up inside her. Is she that sort of "personality" that she would be challenged?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She has made a point to me in the past that the only time I do touch her is when I want sex. I've been subtle with touching lately in hopes that she sees that's not all I'm looking for. We've cuddled in bed a few times over the past 2 months. It's been really nice but I don't have any expectations.
I think I will let nature takes it's course for now. How long do couples let this go on for? Is there a way to bring it up without her seeing "red"?
Should I stop thinking about it and work on other things?
Sorry for being all over the place....
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
The only kissing is initiated by myself, it's a simple kiss on the cheek. I'm hesitant to go any further.....
The other issue I wanted to bring up is my W continues to talk about future projects around the house. Future plans with our son, taking him places, etc....
In the same sentence though she'll bring up how she is attempting to adjust the loan on the house so one of us can keep the house for our son...
I'm not sure how to process this. I certainly don't want to get any false hope. Is this normal behavior?
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
