My wife told me on March 20th that she no longer loved me and did not feel the same about me anymore. She said she needs someone to take care of her, and feels like she has been taking care of me. A few weeks before she asked me what my priorities were. Now I had no idea what was coming, so I said what first came to mind, the kids. At the time I did not even think of our priorities as being different. I thought we were a team. Now if I tell her things like that I think she just puts it off to my wanting to keep our M in tact.
The last time we had a vacation together was 2002. Our last date alone was over a year ago. I have been working full time + some OT, going to school full time for the last four years, coaching my boys basketball team, being part of the athletic board, picking kids up from school, doing household chores, (wife works retail), thinking I was a pretty good all around guy, and maintaining a 3.66 GPA.
Pointing this out to her does nothing. She says she has been thinking about this for six months. She would often come home, go to her/our room and get on her blackberry while watching TV. I thought she had just turned 40 and needed some space. If I said something it was usually not in the best way, "Hey nice to see you for ten seconds," or something to that affect is what I would usually choose rather than tell her how it hurt me and the kids to have her so removed. She says she has told no one, talked about it to no one, does not want to see a therapist, a preacher, or any type of counselor. She wanted no one to affect her decision, and she now wants to, "turn to the next chapter in her life".
The six months she talks about coincides with her returning to work. She works retail and is more than burned out by it now. She has gone to Vegas, on weekend trips to friend's houses without the kids, to sorority alumni functions, and even on a girl cruise, but evidently none of this was good enough to get her out of her funk.
Does it sound like I am looking at a MLC here? I have been on the 180 borad and reading DBing, while trying to get my head on straight for the last two months. I have really tried to be business like with her lately, and kept my hands to myself in the bedroom. I was putting my arm around her while we slept previously and that led to situations that made her feel guilty/bad "we should not have done that" was the end statement.
The coolness seems to be driving her further away, however and that really scares me. I love this woman and although I have been trying to GAL, I cannot picture my future without her.
OK I am babbling, but this is such a nice outlet for me that I thank you all for your patience.
Hello Still- Welcome to the board and sorry you find yourself here. None of us here are professionals so it would be just be a guess if we told you whether or not we thought your W is having a MLC. There is a resources thread here. Find it and read it and then you can determine if MLC fits. It certainly does sound like a possibility.
This is a great place to get advice and vent. So keep posting.
Have you suspected that she could be involved with another man? Spending time in the bedroom alone, a lot of contact by blackberry, isolating herself from the family, and all those trips with supposedly "friends" looks very much like there could be an affair.
If you have access to her phone bill, emails, etc., you need to get information to see who she has been contacting. Keep all the information to yourself and do not reveal what you know or how you know under any circumstances.
Do not ask her if there is OM b/c she will deny it. If you confront her about contacts you've discovered, then she will say he's "just a friend". This is typical WAW script. So, don't let her know you are even suspicious right now.
If you discover there is OM she's contacting, then you can go over to the infidelity forum and get a play by play from Allen how to handle the stitch.
I'm sorry to say that she seems to be showing all the signs. Keep your cool and try to find out what's she's doing behind your back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
MLC or WAW? I don't know, but the vets here can help you better determine what you're possibly dealing with. OP should be along soon and post the links that you should read and will help in either case.
Don't get discouraged and thinking we're tossing you around. Just trying to get you pointed in the right direction.:)
Sorry that you are here. IMO - it really does not matter if it an MLC or WAS. I would not worry about that right now.
First take a step back and breath....your probably very emotional right now and your actions probably show this. FTR - it is normal.
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and feels like she has been taking care of me
Is this true - has she?
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Pointing this out to her does nothing.
Stop pointing things out to her. She is NOT stupid. She married you right- so she must not be stupid.
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She says she has been thinking about this for six months
Also pretty normal. You have kids so she really need to be sure that she was making the right choice. So right now it is very and I want to stress VERY important that you keep your mouth shut around her. Stop trying to talk your way out of it. As hard as it may seem the best action right now is silence. I do not mean be ass - friendly, polite.
I have to tell you she sound very much like my W. If it is MLCm then brace yourself buddy.
I'll be back to you a little later. Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks so much for the feedback folks. So the spy thing is OK, and it is just the confrontation we do not follow through on?
Very worried about the WAW diagnosis as I hear they are least likely to return and I am still very much in love with my W. So much only those on the board would understand about the far reaching impact of all this, or at least the vision of what was to be that has now been dashed. Family, old age, travel, dreams, and more make it so hard to jump on the GAL/PMA train and put this aside. Hats off to you folks that have pulled it off, as even more than two months later, I am still struggling.
Made it through daughter's graduation without a tear, so I guess that is something.
Keep the advice flowing. It helps knowing you are all out there.
To me, it sounds at first blush like a WAW conducting an A, even just an EA, possibly. Again, we're not experts, we're just people like you going through crap with our spouses, so please read the resources and really think about it.
If she's MLC, there's very clear guidelines as to how to handle. If she's WAW, there are two paths you can travel and only you can decide.
As for the snooping, only do enough to confirm either way what's going on with her. Don't continue past that, it will only drive you crazy and lower your PMA to a depression level. Plus, don't do anything illegal, GWIM?
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
First I would say the advice you get here will be very different from some of the other boards.
The main difference here is that your not deaingl with a just a lack of moral turpitude.
If your W is in MLC or acting anything like it, it is unlikely that the tactics and they are tactics, employed on the newbie board for example will help at all.
MLCers are running from control, they are running because they feel pain inside and they blame YOU.
You can do all these MAN UP tactics all day long and she will either see right through you or maybe, maybe she gets coerced into abiding and then...
...well its like a dog (nod to Lostforwords on this one) you call it, it comes, it looks at you, maybe you give it treat, and then boom off again...actually a dog is better than an MLCer.
The advice here is tougher because you gotta check some things at the door when you come here. The path is tougher here because it is about focusing on yourself and making changes in yourself.
Real changes.
You have to figure out who YOU are. You say you want your M?
When will you say you don't?
When W doesn't respond to some tactic? When W doesn't give you what you want? When W is unfaithful? When W moves out? When W files for D?
Or when you understand what YOU want and what YOU are about.
Did your vows have a BUT clause in them?
I will love you all the days of my life BUT if you _______ then I won't.
See what I mean Stillt? What kind of man do you want to be?
It makes no difference for YOUR journey whether your W is in MLC or not.
It only matters how you decide to react to it.
What you do with YOUR time while your W is lost.
It has been described as being a beacon or a light out in the distance shining a faint and ever brighter light on the path back to you.
This takes a heap of courage my friend.
So what kind of man is Stillt?
That question is for you, not me.
P.S. I am not going to refer to you as still because you can't be still. You have to take action.
I like Stillt because you're standing tall.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I say this because I thought I was just dealing with a WAS for a few weeks & although I thought I was doing well for dealing with a WAS, it was the absolutely the wrong thing to do with a MLCer.
Of course, I didn't realize that until I'd already made the mistakes, and had them pointed out to me. (lol)
Don't make those same mistakes. Bfore you take another step, please try to figure out if you're dealing with a WAS in an EA or PA (or both), or an MLC. Not only are they totally different animals, they are in completely different zoos.
Figuring it out might take a while, so be prepared to do a lot of reading, reflecting and soul searching.
Good luck & welcome to the boards.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
