I need help rekindling my marriage. It’s been suggested that I start my own thread on my situation so here it is. Interestingly, I think it helps me to understand more just by writing it down for others.
I’m feeling “sex-starved” which is why I’m posting here. However, I think “intimacy starved/rejected” is a better description. This has been going on for roughly the last three+ years or our 15+ year marriage. We’re both around 40 and have a D who’s 7. I’m devoted to making this work but also feel I’m at the end of my rope.
Over the last four years we seemed to become increasingly distant. I had thought it was a temporary thing that would pass as always. Around the beginning of that time, my wife started participating in a prestigious volunteer music group. Practices and performances generally start as soon as I get home from work and last for 5-7 hours. I started staying home with our D to enable her participation. I began expressing the need to address the resulting issues in our M after two years of that.
I was just thinking we were continuing through a rough patch last year when I found that my wife had seen a divorce lawyer. She left her handwritten notes on the floor of our house which I discovered when she went out with friends. I was shocked to say the least. She said she decided she didn’t want to continue down that path and to work things out. Since then, we have been seeing a counselor. I don’t think the last sixth months have done us any good. W agreed with that and we saw a new relationship specific counselor this week. We’ll see how that goes.
Since this “bomb” I’ve read all sorts of materials on relationships. DB, SSM, LL, “Hold me Tight” right now. I’ve tried hard to make sure she gets what she needs; however, she will not tell me what it is she wants. She does say she’s angry and resentful and can’t get over it. As a result, I suspect I’m not doing what she really wants. On the other hand, I have realized that I’m not getting the quality time and intimacy I need. Although I’ve pointed this out repeatedly over the last year, all I can seem to get is more home cooked meals (which are very yummy though). She will not initiate any intimate contact. She has no interest in educating herself in ways to better our marriage. I have to move everything forward or it doesn’t happen.
Lately I’ve stopped initiating in an attempt to draw her in some. I think she just likes that I’m not bothering her anymore. Attempting to talk about the relationship just makes her upset. Typically, she ends up saying I just think she’s horrible and in general turns very defensive, essentially this just shuts down any further productive communication. I just can't seem to get her to open up. Increasingly, I'm losing hope. How can I get through?
First of all, Congratulations on what you have done and are doing. Working on saving your marriage, protecting your daughter all all wonderful things that no matter what happens you will be proud of. I also congratulate you on your reading list. I assume that "LL" is the 5 Languages of Love, if it isn't that should also be on your list.
Bagheera has a sticky threat at the beginning of this forum entitled, "The four phases of SSM Recovery." Stage 1 = Heal yourself, Stage 2 = Learn to meet your spouses needs, Stage 3 = Get your spouse on board, and Stage 4 = Working together. It is a really good set of observations. Your spouse also needs to go through all four stages as well.
Stage 1 involving heal yourself involves forgiving your spouse, coming to grips with your responsibility for the current SSM situation, reading about relationships and Getting a Life (GAL). I feel that based on my experience that GAL is really multiple things. It is focusing on changing yourself to a new better you, but it is also a demonstration to your spouse that you are changing, have goals and are headed somewhere and they need to change to keep up or let you go.
To me GAL is all about me, but it is also an indirect "in your face" statement to your spouse that you are committed to healing yourself with or without them. It is a strong statement of change that they cannot ignore.
SSM and No More Mr. Nice Guy are great sources of GAL information. I have been losing weigh, working out to get in shape, taking care of my health, increasing my hobbies, and participating in formal running events. My wife knows I have physical fitness and relationship goals, I have shared with her. She knows I am making huge progress toward acheiving my physical fitness goals and came to the conclusion that I could easily find another woman to meet my physical/relationship goals if I divorced her. She knows that I am determined to met my goals with or without her. She accepts it and has decided she wants change to remain with me.
I also think that anyone who is in an SSM and gets counseling, should work with a board certified sex therapist and not a general marriage counselor. Anyone in an SSM has a "sex problem" in addition to marriage problems. You need to address the sex problem that is eating at your heart and self respect. Board Certified Sex Therapists can help you and your spouse deal with the sex related and rejection related problems that marriage counselors may or may not be skilled in handling.
You are facing a fairly common problem.
You are doing many of the important right things.
My suggestion is for you to 1) heal yourself, 2) work on meeting your spouses needs (through her primary languages of love, not yours), try to get her on board and then work with her on resolving your relationship issues. However, you need to understand that it will take a while and most importantly she needs to make saving your marriage, her decision and her priority! You cannot make her do anything, either she wants to save the marriage and work at it or she doesn't. If she doesn't you marriage is likely doomed, unless you do a really great 180 that snaps her out of her problem and realize that you are about to leave her.
Good luck to you and God bless you, yours spouse and your daughter.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Apples, are you 100% certain your wife is not having an emotional or physical affair? Some of the circumstances you describe -- sudden change in intimacy level for no apparent reason, long stretches of time away from home, refusal to talk about the relationship or what's wrong with it -- suggest she might be. If she is having an affair, any and all attempts to work ont he marriage are likely to prove useless. It's something you need to rule out before going forward.
There was one relationship I've been concerned about at the emotional level, however I really don't think anything is going on. She obviously hasn't admitted to anything like that.
One of our problems is that we've never really been able to discuss our relationship mainly (IMO) because she gets too defensive and starts reading personal judgments into things. Typically anytime we get into something that matters to me, she'll shut it down with something along the lines of "I know, I'm terrible/horrible/awful..." at which point I remind her she's obviously not. She could easily be depressed.
There was one relationship I've been concerned about at the emotional level, however I really don't think anything is going on. She obviously hasn't admitted to anything like that.
If you read on this board and especially the others, you will be amazed by how many people in exactly your situation were "nearly sure" their souse was not having an affair, only to find out they were wrong. Let me repeat: until you rule it out 100% you are wasting your time trying to fix the marriage or even trying to get her to talk about it.
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One of our problems is that we've never really been able to discuss our relationship mainly (IMO) because she gets too defensive and starts reading personal judgments into things. Typically anytime we get into something that matters to me, she'll shut it down with something along the lines of "I know, I'm terrible/horrible/awful..."
Don't let yourself be derailed so easily. If she says that, just respond, "I'm really sorry you feel that way. Now can we go back to discussing the problem I brought up?" Pushing your wife to talk about an important topic even though it makes her feel bad does not make you a bad person. Bad feelings are not such a big deal. They pass. We all have them, and we survive them. If the issue is important to you, keep bringing it up. if she reacts badly, empathize with her, but don't back off. If she absolutely refuses to talk about it, that's her right. Then you have to decide whether you owe it yourself to be with someone else.
If you read on this board and especially the others, you will be amazed by how many people in exactly your situation were "nearly sure" their souse was not having an affair, only to find out they were wrong. Let me repeat: until you rule it out 100% you are wasting your time trying to fix the marriage or even trying to get her to talk about it.
While I think I've been vigilant for an affair, I don't know how I can rule it out 100%, especially if it were on an emotional level. Any ideas? If it was the case and I found out much later than now, I doubt I'd have the strength to try to make it work anymore. I get the impression she wants this to work, I just wish she'd do more.
I've been thinking a lot about role of depression in all of this. She was on medication at one point. It would explain her unwillingness to find solutions, tiredness, untidiness, and her propensity to blame herself. There's a lot of drinking as well. Are there any resources someone could recommend along that direction?
I've been reading "Hold Me Tight" and it makes a lot of sense as I really hate to blame. At the same time however, I'm just not getting what I need. Going to make a hard decision this weekend I think.
I've been reading "Hold Me Tight" and it makes a lot of sense as I really hate to blame. At the same time however, I'm just not getting what I need. Going to make a hard decision this weekend I think.
Sue Johnsons book really helped me understand that my need to be touched and held was normal and that I needed for my own health to make sure that I got the touching that I needed and to speak up to my wife about meeting my need for touch.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
