Well, she has her freedom. She has moved into her mom's house and is not working. She is in a full state of rebellion. I am not calling her unless it pertains to the kids. She visited the other day with her "friend." I did not freak out, but thought it was very odd that she would pick a time when I would be home to show up with him. I felt as if I was being tested. He was very uncomfortable. I am almost done reading the book and am focusing on the 180 approach, although it is VERY hard.
I can tell by the way she is acting that she is very confused. She also feels very guilty. I keep slipping up a little, telling her I miss her and am waiting for her.
I am not sure what to do next. I don't want to take any actions that will push her farther away, but in her current state of mind I am worried about things like finances. She is going through $$ pretty quickly and we are not rich.
She keeps saying and doing things that make me feel as if there is a little hope.
Depression is a HUGE player in all of this. She misses her dad something fierce. I understand the need to be her friend now, and will work hard to let her know she can talk to me without pressuring her.
Right now I am trying hard to change the financial situation. She went from zero responsisbility to 100% in such a short time she cracked from the pressure and I want to try and care for the home without needing her to work. I feel that If I do this it will help change the dynamic of the situation in her mind.
I agree with Sandi--this was a child that was pretty much abandoned by her mother at age 16.
Yeah, I bet she is pissed. A decent man would not have had an R with a child. And now that she is older and wiser and has 2 kids (are they daughters, btw?) I BET she is really thinking about what kind of man does this kind of thing.
Somehow she has forgiven her mother for what she did. Perhaps she can forgive you. But there is something really, REALLY wrong about how the two of you got together and it leaves a bad feeling in my gut just reading it. I wonder if now that she is older if it doesn't come across as creepy to her as well.
I agree with you Laura that she does feel creeped out now that she is older. She has told me so. We have two children, a boy and girl. She has actually said to me that I should understand how she feels now that I have a daughter. Truthfully, I didn't until you and Sandi pointed it out. Sometimes hearing things from other, more objective parties can bring one to their senses.
I can't tell you why i justified my actions at the time, I truly do not know. I fell in love with her the first time I met her, that's all i can say. I can only tell you that I have honored my commitment to her, have never even thought about being with anyone else, and want to try and save my marriage.
I love my wife and my children. I understand completely how I appear to everyone. I am not here trying to condone my actions. I never did anything like that before. I was married once before meeting her, recently divorced. My first wife was my age. We met in High School. You have to believe me when I say It's truly not in my nature to want young women. I don't walk around lusting after kids. That is very icky. I think I was attracted to her youthful nature, not necessarily her youth.
Sandi May be right. I may not be able to save my marriage. It may already be too late. The pain I have caused her just from the realization that I stole her youth may have done me in already. I stopped writing this just to call her up and apologize, unconditionally. I told her I understand why she feels the way she does. She says that she has forgiven me. Only time will tell. I have recently turned to God, not to change my wife's heart, but to change me. I pray every day.
I will take all criticisms and chastising anyone feels the need to give me. I want to save my marriage. I will not give up due to guilt. Please help.
I'm glad you can see this from, well, most people's perspective. I don't really know what you can do at this point. She has grown and you may not be what an adult woman wants. And she wants to make sure her kids are safe. I immediately felt she must be identifying with her daughter. She wants to protect her, because she WASN'T, and YOU didn't protect HER!
No wonder she was so mad at God for taking her dad. He PROTECTED her! The minute he was gone, her drunk depressed mother abandons her!
I feel incredibly bad for your W. I don't think I have ever felt that way about a WAW. She was robbed of so much. Did you at least educate her??
Develop your R with God. I think this one is done.
And when your daughter is 16, and adult men are lusting after her, try to imagine handing her off to a ? 31 year old.
I'm glad you can see this from, well, most people's perspective. I don't really know what you can do at this point. She has grown and you may not be what an adult woman wants. And she wants to make sure her kids are safe. I immediately felt she must be identifying with her daughter. She wants to protect her, because she WASN'T, and YOU didn't protect HER!
You are judging me without knowing the whole situation. Maybe her life would have been better without me, I don’t know. I am 12 years older, yes, but I didn’t rob her of anything. She has a good life. She has a home, a good job, 2 beautiful children and lots of friends. My intentions were always honest, and still are.
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
No wonder she was so mad at God for taking her dad. He PROTECTED her! The minute he was gone, her drunk depressed mother abandons her!
Her mother was DESTROYED by the loss of her husband. She couldn’t take care of herself. For a time, my wife and I cared for her.
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
Develop your R with God. I think this one is done.
I hope that you are wrong.
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
And when your daughter is 16, and adult men are lusting after her, try to imagine handing her off to a ? 31 year old.
She was actually 17 going on 18 and I was pretty immature at 29. I know I posted earlier that she was sixteen, but that was when I met her. I wouldn’t be happy if any men were lusting after my daughter, regardless of their age. Intentions matter. I was not lusting her. I love her. I imagine that someone who lusts would get what they want and move on, not start a family and get married.
EXCUSE me sir, but you said in your very FIRST POST that you are 15 years older than your W, not 12.
And I believe you said you took her in when she was 16.
I understand the backpedling now--I really do. This was not a normal courtship.
This was not an R gone into by two consenting adults. This was an R destined to crumble and fail--it's not built on mutual love and respect. You may have had the feeling, being an adult. But she wasn't. You just are not going to get away from that fact. This R was built on other things--I am not going to guess, but I bet in therapy you may learn you liked the control you had when she was young. You liked the fact that really you didn't have to court her. There are plenty of "other reasons" to get into an R like this. Decent men DON'T want to build an R on this type of foundation. But you did.
You never answered me--I take it you didn't educate her then?
EXCUSE me sir, but you said in your very FIRST POST that you are 15 years older than your W, not 12. And I believe you said you took her in when she was 16. I understand the backpedling now--I really do. .
My Birthdate:02/13/71 Her Birthdate:12/08/82 I am exactly 12 years older. I also stated our current ages somewhere in an earlier post. When I began posting I didn’t realize that I was going to be called to question on my age and didn’t care about the accuracy of the facts involved. I also admit that I am backpedaling somewhat. 12 years/15 years is not much difference.
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
This was not a normal courtship. This was not an R gone into by two consenting adults. This was an R destined to crumble and fail--it's not built on mutual love and respect. You may have had the feeling, being an adult. But she wasn't. You just are not going to get away from that fact. .
I am not willing to give up just because our start was not mutual. She tells me that there are a lot of things that she loves about me. You have good insight here. If our marriage is to be saved, it will have to start all over and cannot just “resume” .
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
I am not going to guess, but I bet in therapy you may learn you liked the control you had when she was young. .
Not sure. I am not someone who always wants all of the control. It’s too much work. I prefer a relationship of equals, believe it or not. I have always felt as if I had too much responsibility in our relationship. It caused me to harbor a lot of resentment toward her. I didn’t realize that she was not ready for the amount of responsibility that a family would bring.
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
You liked the fact that really you didn't have to court her. .
I agree with that statement. I courted a LOT before her and I think I was just tired of it all.
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
Decent men DON'T want to build an R on this type of foundation. But you did.
LauraOh, you sound very wise. When I was 29, I was not mature enough to look at a relationship from such a perspective. I may not have been decent enough to consider the foundations of our relationship, but I WAS decent enough to marry her and stay true to her. Please give me some credit, or are you here to simply beat up on me? Believe me your point has been made. I accept responsibility for my actions and have prayed to God for forgiveness. I am not the same 29 year old idiot. I am now a 39 year old idiot who wants to see if there is anything I can do to salvage our marriage. I am here for advice. She has not yet divorced me, nor filed any separation papers. She has simply just left. She says that she MAY be making the biggest mistake of her life. She is taking her time. I am leaving her alone, not calling or begging or pleading.
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
You never answered me--I take it you didn't educate her then?
I felt like I was being attacked which is why I didn’t answer at first. I kind of feel like I am getting more derision than advice. I was not in a position to educate her. I set up two appointments for her to get her G.E.D. the first she didn’t go to. The second one she did. After the pretest, it was determined that she would only need to study a little to qualify. She did not pursue it. I could not force her to pursue it, nor would I. She is a woman with her own mind and is not stupid by any means. Do you really expect that it was my responsibility to educate her?
Would you say the same thing to your kids as you said to your W if they dropped out of school? Or would you take an adult stand??
adqbelly, were you educated when you married your H? Did he take you on dates and court you? How old were you when you married? Did your drunk mother hand you off to your H when your dad died? Do you have kids? Would this scenario sound good to you for your daughter??
I think as your children grow, and if you are man enough to deal with it, you'll unfold a lot of layers of the magnitude of what you've done. She feels cheated, robbed, and creepy about your R. Listen to her!! (a DB "rule", btw).
