I came home to chaos yesterday. She had arrived to pick up our daughter and started a fight with our day care provider. He called me frantic because she was telling him to get out. I told him to get in his car and driveaway for the time being.
When I got home she was there. I could tell our seven year old was upset. Her sister came and tried to pick a fight with me. I calmly resisted and refused to talk to her. I told my wife that I would talk when her sister left. When her sister realized she wasn't going to get a fight out of me she left and took the kids to her house. I stayed and talked to my wife. I told her I am willing to accept 75% of the fault for our marriage failing but I am willing to make it work, and if she walks, she takes resposibility for 100% of it at this point. She stated that she CANT get past the pushing around I did to her a few years ago. I haven't touched her since then, but the emotional damage is done. I am paying the price of my anger.
I tried hard not to show any anger. I did not want to give her any reason to justify leaving. It didn't help thoug. I notice in things she said to me that she is looking for anything she can to blame me for everything. She even hinted at infidelity even though I have NEVER given her a reason to believe that at all.
She is VERY angry. It is consuming her. She is not acting as her usual self. Did I mention that she has recently been diagnosed with clinical depression? I recognize that I have to counter that anger with love, but it is soooo hard.
Now I am torn between what I feel I should do and not wanting to rock the boat any more. Should I leave the house and get an apartment? Stop paying the mortage and bills and let it get taken by the bank? Dissolve our joint accounts? I feel I need to free myself as much as possible because I do not know how much anger she has and how far she will let it go. I suspect she will try and get custody of the kids, but so far she has not taken any legal action. I do not want to fight her so I might let her get custody if she pursues it. I can visit. I can also afford to pay her support, but it will be hard for me. I just want peace. I am so lost. I pray daily for guidance. I feel that I was being helped yesterday with my anger.
I believe your stitch is the exception and cannot be given the same advice that would ordinarily be given. Your W wants her freedom. She was never allowed to grow up from a normal teenager into adulthood. You surely can see that.
She is angry that you took advantage of her.....and you did. She may have went willingly, but she was a CHILD and you were the adult. Between you and her mother, I'm sure it wasn't hard to convince her that her life would be much better living with you. You know if the law had been called, you would have been in big trouble taking this girl and having sex with her.
I can't support this b/c I believe you were wrong as sin in what you did. Give the girl her freedom and allow her to chose a life for herself instead of what others tell her to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The conviction and shame I feel after reading your words cannot easily be expressed. I know in my heart that you are right. I cannot defend my actions.
I agree that I have to let her go. It is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I grew up without a father and the idea of losing my family hurts so deeply that I will never recover from this.
Sandi2, after thinking for awhile, I realize that my last post may have you believe that I am some sort of pedophile. That is NOT true. my wife was of the age of consent when we began our sexual relationship. I DO feel convicted about the age difference because you are right, the age difference was too great. I was an adult and should have known better.
However, my wife was not 17 when we were married, or when we had our first and second child, or when we bought a home together. She may feel like she wants her life back, but I cannot ignore the fact that we have two children. There was a time when I wanted to leave her, but I decided that our children were more important than myself.
Do you find yourself talking to her like an adult or a child. From your posts it sounds like you speak down to her. Your anger from the past certainly did help much either.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Sandi2, after thinking for awhile, I realize that my last post may have you believe that I am some sort of pedophile. That is NOT true. my wife was of the age of consent when we began our sexual relationship. I DO feel convicted about the age difference because you are right, the age difference was too great. I was an adult and should have known better.
However, my wife was not 17 when we were married, or when we had our first and second child, or when we bought a home together. She may feel like she wants her life back, but I cannot ignore the fact that we have two children. There was a time when I wanted to leave her, but I decided that our children were more important than myself.
I see what your saying. Its natural for a lady in your wife's position to want to assert themself, because the dynamic of the relationship when she was younger cannot be maintained. Once she got more experience and around more people, she probably wanted to see what she was missing. Your not going to have as strong a position with her, than you did when she was younger. The key is you need to let her see alot without blowing your marriage apart. She needs to know she can do alot of exploring with you, and all the fun isn't "sampling the buffet" per say. She's a married woman with two children, a house and a loving husband who wants her.
Anyway good luck on it, try to layback off of her and facilitate her enjoying life. Alot of trips and excursions out of the house will be good for you two. It will give her enough of a taste for life where she won't think your holding her back. Plus girls nights out. She should do some without you.
Mr Bond, I agree that I am talking down to her in this circumstance. I feel that our children's lives are far more important than our own personal desires. We have been able to keep things amiable for the last two years. She told me that she has been thinking of leaving for a while now, but hasn't said anything, so this is very shocking. I am still angry, hurt, scared, you name it, so I am sure that my tone appears negative. In time I hope that I can get over how I feel.
She is a person of character. She has strong ideals and is very caring for her children emotionally. I am better at meeting their physical needs than emotional. Together we complimented one another. I fear separation will have a negative affect on our children.
DaddyLongShanks: As far as going places with her, it's impossible right now. As I stated before, she has been diagnosed as clinically depressed. She is much different than she was just 4 months ago. I see more anger in her than I ever have. We are also losing each other's trust. It's all falling apart. I can't control my mouth when I get upset, and it just makes things worse. Everything I do makes things worse. Lately, I do nothing and it makes things worse. It's almost as if she is looking for reasons to justify why she is leaving.
The point is that she needs you to talk to her like a H not a father.
In her mind she's finally doing something that she wants to do. She is making an "adult" decision on her own independent of you. What you could try doing is to change her decision by not telling her. Show her. Show her that she's "safe" with you. That you respect her decision even if you don't think it's the right thing to do.
She wants to have a life. Show her the positives of the life you have together and give her the freedom to explore her individuality also.
If she's clinically depressed, then trust is a major factor. She has to believe she can trust you again. Also meaning that you trust her decision even if you don't want to.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr Bond, I agree that I am talking down to her in this circumstance. I feel that our children's lives are far more important than our own personal desires. We have been able to keep things amiable for the last two years. She told me that she has been thinking of leaving for a while now, but hasn't said anything, so this is very shocking. I am still angry, hurt, scared, you name it, so I am sure that my tone appears negative. In time I hope that I can get over how I feel.
She is a person of character. She has strong ideals and is very caring for her children emotionally. I am better at meeting their physical needs than emotional. Together we complimented one another. I fear separation will have a negative affect on our children.
DaddyLongShanks: As far as going places with her, it's impossible right now. As I stated before, she has been diagnosed as clinically depressed. She is much different than she was just 4 months ago. I see more anger in her than I ever have. We are also losing each other's trust. It's all falling apart. I can't control my mouth when I get upset, and it just makes things worse. Everything I do makes things worse. Lately, I do nothing and it makes things worse. It's almost as if she is looking for reasons to justify why she is leaving.
I've been depressed before, and it really helps to get outside of your house. Another thing that really helps is to get active. Diet also helps, of course excersize would be grouped under being active. She is going to need to find some things that she likes to do outside of the responsibility of reasing and providing for her family. All work and no play is depressing. Just consider it.
