At this time I am so fustrated, I am hoping someone can offer some advise. I am brand new and apologize for not following all the rules regarding appreviation etc.
ME=44 WIFE=36 MARRIED=9 DAUGHTER=8 SON=3.5 FINANCIAL STRUGGLING, BOTH HAVE NEW JOBS AFTER BEING OUT OF WORK FOR ABOUT A YEAR.
My wife has decided (this is not a sudden revelation to me) that she hates me, hates the kids, hates her family, hates the community and the neighborhood, hates the house, hates our jobs, and hates her friends. She says I lied to her, and that I am gay (there are sexual issues with me – maybe related to sexuality – but have never had any interest to be with another man). She says I don't really love her, which she has stated many times during our marriage. She hates my eating habits, my sleeping habits, I cough to much, I eat too much, I lie, I am a pig, I am mentally unbalanced and psychiatric help, I am a poor provider, I am disrespectful, etc.
She said I forced her into marriage, and forced her to move into the community that she hates (I moved her closer to her family – who do not treat her nicely either). She upset that I am not a better provider, but need to take care of the children and clean the house. She wants to move to another city, and has no clue why we are not moving (we have no savings, no credit, we owe more then the house is worth, etc.)
She said that moving is the only way to make her happy. She outed me out of my last position because she hated my boss, after he let me go, she said get a job. Got a nice job, but no benefits, we managed to get on medicaid. Now I have a better job with flex schedule, that allows me to help with the children, however its a new company and I am the only official employee – no benefits. Now we need a job with a full benefit package in another city.
I am in the process of taking the CPA exam and work full time. In addition to those things, I get the children up every morning, get them dressed, breakfast, and out the door for school. I am also responsible for them on weekends, holidays and school breaks, I have to clean the house (kitchen, nook, family room and living room, spotless everyday otherwise if she sees a crumb on the floor she will go into a tirade. I also bath the children, put them to bed, and read to them on a nightly basis (one of my favorite activities). I am responsible for all the family finances which she really does not contribute – sometimes with the children. She makes nasty comments if the finances do not go her way (such as making the car payment a day later to avoid overdraft, or if I spend money on ME).
Thank you for allowing me to unload, and if anyone has any suggestions, thank you.
Well if your W "hates" everyone in her life, then it sounds like she has some serious issues. Has she ever been to counseling? BTW, I hope she doesn't express how she hates her kids to them. What does her parents say about her attitude?
Her wanting to move to another city in order to be happy is her way of running from problems. She seems a bit old not to be more mature than this.
In my opinion, I think you are going to have to use tough love with this woman or she will bully you to no end. In fact, I will just come out and tell you that she has no respect for you and probably has lost her sexual attraction for you. That is usually what happens when a woman is ready to walk out.
Her comment about you being gay may be saying more that she sees you playing the part of the woman more than a man. I do not mean to sound ugly about this, but I just talk plain and hope you'll accept it without offense.
I know that in most homes where both partners work, that the H shares the housework and helping with children. However, from what you said that you do, I wonder what is left for her. What is her part of the responsibilities? Whenever the H is doing everything around the house, including everything with caring for the kids,then the woman will more than likely began to see him as being more feminine than masculine. She may began dictating to him, calling the shots about everything, and soon has become a bully leading him around by the nose.
Truth be known, a woman doesn't want to be able to run over her H, but she will test him to see how much he'll take. She will push him to the very limit just to see how much she can get away with. Some women may not admit t....but they will do it at some point.....and some do it more than others. However, a woman wants a man who she cannot boss around. She wants him to stand up to her and act manly. She wants a man she can respect. She wants a man who shows strength of character and leadership. She wants to depend on him as the leader & protector of the home.
My H helps with housework also. But he never lets me forget that he's manly about it. It's rather hard for me to explain to a man how he is to appear manly, and you may be as manly as they come.....but I suspect somewhere in trying to keep the peace around the home, you've taken a back seat and let your W roughshod you into acting more like the wifey.
I lost respect for my H and it was nothing but simple things like him not being as good of a provider as I thought he should be, so I recognize those factors. That is a point from where other problems build.
Have you read the Divorce Remedy book? If not, I suggest you get that and read ASAP. In the meantime, read the other threads here on the board, and come back to post everyday possible.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We had another fight on Monday, and all she wanted to know is why I do not talk to her. She said that we must leave town, and that I was to give her a deadling on when it was going to happen. I said give it two years, she said next summer, and that I was to call employment agencies in certain cities and "explain the situation."
I stated calmly that I do not see how moving is going to make her happier. I asked what she wanted to do with the house, and kept going back and forth about selling, renting, or just leave it be. I am not sure what she is thinking, since we owe far more than we could sell it for - not to mention that her brother loaned us a down payment. He's a great guy (why I borrowed the money, actually W asked), but I can't imagine her brother being out the down payment.
Everyone complains about my temper and lack of anger management, and that is why I lost my last job. I have gotten counsiling for my anger, and stress management - it has over the years helped me cope better.
Yesterday, she called to see how I was doing, I was in a meeting and really couln't chat, and she says that sounds great. She asked what I was going to make the kids for dinner. I said I was going to use the meat in the refrigerator, and make a sauce but since my boss was waiting I really did not want to go into details. She berated me for a few minutes, asking what did we discuss I was going to make for dinner. I said I remembered, and tried to hang up - but she wanted to push like I was a two year old. She accuses me of being immature and childish.
She keeps on mentioning how sick and depressed she was, and that I ruined her life, and that I made her this way. I forced her to marry her, I forced to have children, I forced her to cut off contact from my family, I forced her to move west, and then move back to her parents community. She complains that I do not stand up to HER family, and I let her mother rail all over her.
Her last threat was to go to her father, and tell him all the horrible things I have done to her. Again, I am not the best husband, but I think I'm pretty good. I left for a walk (which I frequently do) and only got as far as my wife's uncle's house. I started to explain many of the things going on and got a laugh when I said she wanted to explain things about me to her parents. He said he thought I was doing a good job, the kids are doing great, and I am on top of things. The uncle believe's that the W makes a big deal about everything - and has stated this on several occassions. I mentioned about my temper - and he said, he has never heard anything about it.
In conclusion to my talk with the uncle, he wanted to know what kind of pain killers my wife is on. He said that he thinks she is on far too many medicine and that she may be over dosing and addicted to pain killers, and showed some information about some of the effects of addiction. I got a list together, and will get it to him today or tommorrow.
so let's talk about the anger since it's the big elephant in the room, get it out in the open: - did you ever hit her? - did you ever swear at her? - did you mentally abuse her? - emotionally abuse her? - physically/sexually abuse her?
If not, what is the anger issue? Do you yell alot? Throw things? Scare her and your kids?
The last two hours have been extremely interesting. Make a long story short, took a section of the CPA exam (once you committ need to follow through). Finished in time to meet my therapist, unloaded on him, he said I was right, and believe she has a personality disoder, which falls right into place. He said, its going to be a tough road and very difficult, but I need to be stronger. He said, I should not leave town, I should not be cleaning the house every day, I should not be doing so much - we are a team and we need to do things together. If she yells and screams, take the children next door. I should not be living like this.
As I drive into my office to actually do some time, and get a little bit of work done, my W calls me. She mentions that she had it out with her sister-in-law (her brothers wife) and she told her off. She asked me about my therapy appointment, and I said we talked about certain things. I explained to my wife that I really was not able to discuss what we talked about. Her comment was, you can't leave the office and speak to her in a hallway (I believe she was at work also). My wife said, that after speaking to the sister-in-law that we had to move out of town. I said, again, that I was not prepared to move. She asked why not, and said, I am doing fine at this point, and that I have a good job, and I am happy where we are at. She said I promised to get her out of town, and that again I am breaking her promise. She back peddaled on the “hating” everyone and said that she disliked everyone, because she hates (or dislikes) me. She said that I guess I would rather stay here alone and be unhappy and she would move with the kids. I laughed at that suggestion, because after three hours at the zoo she was about to kill them. This conversation went back and forth for a half hour, with her making significant accusations about me, about the marriage, about where I am getting my advice from, until I said, you called me ant wanted to bring this up. Was that anything else she wanted to discuss with me, and she hung up.
I decided to call my sister-in-law, who basically said that she, the sister-in-laws and my wife's four brothers think that no matter what I think, I am 100% RIGHT. She would like me to take a stronger stand for myself, and I may end up losing the marriage, but I will at least save the kids (and my sanity). She agreed with my life being chaos that as my wife is running around, doing whatever she is doing, when she is not in her bed, complaining about things on Facebook.
Anyway, I am not sure what the next step is. My wife is extremely angry with me (my sister-in-law also said so) and that I need to develop a strategy to fix this the best I can.
