Question

[angierenee]

How do you put aside all the feelings of anger, hurt, sadness to motivate positive change in your life. I did'nt exercise at all this week because I feel so bad about my separation. All i want to do is sleep and I cant even sleep because my brain is bombarded with negative thoughts about him, what i did wrong, what i should have done different, arguments replay in my head over and over and they won't leave. It's like as soon as I lay down to go to sleep my thoughts turn on full speed.

I am dreaming while awake my past life. I feel fat and ugly...although i know I am not those things, i now feel those things, i think if i was prettier my husband would want to stay with me. If i was richer. I went to my daughters open house and I saw parents happily together. I was so jealous, I was watching the wives to try and see what they were doing right.

I feel like a failure, I wish I didnt have to deal with anything...the only thing keeping me half way sane is my daughter. But then my husband comes home and I am reminded of our lost love.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

You focus on yourself and know that real happiness comes from inside you. Once you start living for you then things will get better for you.
Be the best mom too. You have choices everyday, you are choosing to curl up and die. Start living!.

[thelostone]

Stop putting yourself down, that in itself is not an attractive quality. Focus on the good things about yourself. Keep the negative thoughts at bay.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi angierenee, Oh, my heart goes out to you today. I know what those whirling thoughts feel like, it's awful... being so tired all you can think about is sleep but the moment you put your head down it's spinning.

I'm concerned about all the hurtful things you're feeling about yourself. Tell me, I don't know if the types of books I'm going to suggest would be quite your 'cup of tea', but they've really helped me with all that negative self-talk, and the feelings that go along with it. The bonus is that it not only is helping to raise my self esteem, but also in helping me regain some composure and assertiveness in discussions with my H. There are two I could suggest if you're interested, they are:

Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, by Dr Nathaniel Branden (this is a classic - half the pages in mine are all wrinkly from highlighter)

Self Esteem - by Patrick Fanning & Matthew McKay (this has excellent discussions about the types of negative self-talk and the reasons why we engage in them - (very counter-intuitive, very interesting), handling the 'shoulds', the connection between compassion & learning to overcome resentment, and how to handle people when they're criticizing you.)

(If nothing else, I found having a book to read beside my bed helped to distract me at night when my brain was swirling, and helped relax me enough to go back to sleep.) Take care, thinking good thoughts for you for healing. PG.

[Ready2Change]

The others have given you great advice.

How do you put aside all the feelings of anger, hurt, sadness to motivate positive change in your life.

For me, I do not put the anger aside. I have learned NOT TO REACT to it, but rather RESPOND. I can also channel the energy into ACTION.

First, I recognize that I am angry. Anger is a natural emotion. If it is OK to be happy, then it is OK to be angry. I can channel that energy into setting boundaries. I can channel that energy into enforcing boundaries. I can channel that energy into moving toward a goal.

I still need to do more emotional release work. I have stuffed a lot of the sadness. The times I have intentionally triggered the tears and completely felt the sadness allow me to feel the happiness of living.

"Radical Forgiveness" is a good book to read.

All i want to do is sleep and I cant even sleep because my brain is bombarded with negative thoughts about him, what i did wrong, what i should have done different, arguments replay in my head over and over and they won't leave. It's like as soon as I lay down to go to sleep my thoughts turn on full speed.

Been there, done that. Several choices. One choice is go see your doc about sleeping pills. Another is to do a simple mind task- Count down from 100 by 3's. This works well for me.

Turning off the brain chatter is hard, but with focus I can turn it off. Search for the "Stop sign" technique. Older posts here discuss it.


HUGS

[angierenee]

Thanks for all the advice! I have been working on myself more and more each day. I am not sad anymore about the separation in fact I am accepting it and detaching myself. What made this easy to accept is my husband came home after drinking and was very verbally abusive to me. He didn't realize my daughter was awake...when I finally got him away from me and he slammed the door to his room, my daughter came out of her room crying and she said.."I heard everything he said".

That was my turning point. She doesnt even want him to take her to school. And when she told him this he flipped out and said "Fine if everyone in this house hates me I'll just leave!" Suffice to say he talked himself into staying but I took my daughter and she hung out with me until school. I wish he would leave the house. HE is very negative and angry. Also he is very selfish.

All he cares about is himself...after his hateful banter on saturday i can confidently say i am done with no regrets. The look in his eyes towards me was the meanest look, you don't say the things he said to people you love. The next morning he said I'm sorry i dont remember what I did. "I said well I do and so does your daughter...it was inexcusable"... I know this is a divorce busting board but you guys help me out more than you know. And i may still need your help throughout the divorce process. so thank you

[angierenee]

NEW QUESTION:

If my husband has not been helping me with any expenses concerning my daughter for the past 11 months...what do I need to show my lawyer. I dont have one yet, but I feel like he should start helping me with this.

We are still living together in his parents house...(i know lame) His parents said I can stay there and he has to leave. Because I am going to be finishing my last two semesters at my university.

Can I opt for full physical custody of my daughter until he can get a place of his own that has a room for our daughter etc..By proving that he has not supported my daughter financially in 11 months help me get custody without bringing in too much drama?

I just want to start getting help with the things she needs...for instance her dentist bill is $1100 dollars and he said he cant pay anything and why cant her teeth just fall out since they are her baby teeth.

ADVICE PLEASE...

(You can look at my other posts...i know I am probably the most confusing poster on here but your advice is so valuable)

[angierenee]

All communication has stopped between him and I he ignores my existence even when I walk by.

I know I need to get legal help, but I am so strapped financially I cant afford to get one yet. There is one place where they do a sliding scale...but it is hard because I need to take time off work and I can't afford to take too much time off without the risk of losing my job..

Honestly the only thing he has done is buy my daughter a toy here and there...Is this enough to get custody of my daughter. I dont want to have to bring up the fact that he smokes pot everyday...Or should I? He has scared me by saying he is going to take my daughter away from me...by bringing up my past drug use...but I have been clean and sober for 2 years. and he cant respect that enough to keep pot out of the house because he doesnt consider that a drug. I am worried that if I bring up the pot he will bring up my past.

I told him I would take random drug tests,,,, and he said he would too, but he'll drink a detox drink to make his test come out clean so I have nothing. I recorded his pot stash and his bong and showed where he keeps his pot and bong...but I am worried if I use this evidence it is going to back fire

[angierenee]

And the time I did do drugs it was only once since my daughter was born...I relapsed one time...and he is holding that against me because i smoked meth...not pot...But I got help as soon as I did it I went home to my parents house with my daughter and went to counseling.

My therapist told me not to live with someone who does drugs because it is too hard for me...but i went back although I havent done any drugs since, I hate that I made that mistake.

[angierenee]

BTW.. we have separate checking accounts...So he cant say his money was in the account I was using to take care of my daughter. My mom and dad even know that he does not help me financially at all. Whenever I needed money he would never give it to me. I always had to ask them.