D - DAY HAS ARRIVED

[lea74]

So I received my final D decree on wednesday. I thought I would be okay with it - but I totally fell apart.

I had asked my H (I suppose I should say XH but not ready for that yet) when he had applied for it and he responded why did I need to know. Well, I wanted to prepare myself for it so that I wouldnt fall to bits when it came.

The sad thing is that he had actually applied for it by then so could have just told me.

So now what do I do. My H still tries to be in contact with me to negotiate and be friendly.

He has no also admittedthe his friend is more than that and actaully they have been having an affair.

[kat727]

I am sorry that you find yourself here. We are all at different stages of divorce...either just filed, filed but trying to save it, divorced and hoping things will change, divorced and moving on and heck even thriving.

It takes time to not feel hurt. Are you hoping to reconcile at some point? I would say if not, you should limit calls to issues concerning your kids. He won't miss what he has access too on a regular basis, so don't let him have that.

Hang in there, kat

[dday101798]

Just remember, this isn't THE END.

It is the end of a toxic situation.

But ANYTHING is possible.

[lea74]

Thank you both for the advise. Amazingly one week down already - ok to be fair I only knew about it 2 days ago but have managed to survive them.

Not sure about a reconcilliation as he is heavily involved with OW and has moved in with her and playing happy families with my sons.

Ironically we have spoken quite alot over the last few days, some points about the financial part of our D, a couple of points about our sons and some review our issues and why we got to this point. Not all good conversation, some heated but did try to talk and when we got uptight tried to shift the argument. He wants to be able to communicate with me and I think even be friends with him and at some time with her - he is living in a fantasy. That is not ever going to happen.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. My STBXW is the same way. What's worked for me is as little contact as possible. I worked out a way that there's no kid exchange -- at least during the school year.

STBXW would like to be friends and talk and I don't want that. I just want emails. The only time I want to talk to her is when it's something about the kids that has to be handled right there.

So if she calls from her cell during the day, that means she's out of her work building and it's not urgent -- so I don't answer. If she calls from her work phone then it may be something important and I do.

Unfortunately, D7 and D11 don't have cell phones yet so if there's a call at night before bedtime then I have to take it.

If it's my night and she calls I don't answer.

Here's the last bit of power you have in the relationship -- you control what you want to be to the ex. They want to be friends -- that's your decision not their's.

I have a lot of friends. I've always had lots of friends. STBXW was THE friend though. The one I trusted to always have my back. She doesn't want that anymore. Well, I don't need any more "friends."

[lea74]

Yeah, I need to work on this. From now on when he collects my kids or drops them off - I wont be going to the door. They are old enough let themselves out and I can also watch from the window that they are okay.

You are absolutey right - this is my decision now. I dont want friends who lie and cheat on me.

[lea74]

So feeling a lot of guilt today that maybe I could have done things differently.

When H moved out, he still came to our house whenever he wanted and we still did family and I am ashamed to say that we were still together in a physcial way. I tried really hard to put on a good front and to lots of family stuff and be open -minded sexually which was a 180 for me.

I know think perhaps I shouldnt have let him have his foot in both camps and just gone dark as soon as left. I guess I was trying to put my best foot forward and show him what he would be missing. I guess I never let him actually miss it as soon as I started to back off he turned even (i think at that point physically) to the OW.

[cat03]

Sweety, listen, from someone who tortured herself for almost 2yrs about what I should've could've done... Stop, just don't try to piece together the past, see what you could've done/not done to keep him... supposed you would've gone dark, like I did at some point... that didnt' help my ex to miss me nor the kids nor nothing, his mind was in the gutter/OW, nothing and no one was going to convince him of anything else... he saw many counselors, etc etc... it's on THEM lea, wild horses wouldn't keep me from my family, I did all I could to keep my family intact, I fought for us.... he thought of no one but himself.

Such is the nature of As... now, there a 50% chance that 6plus months from now the A will go sour ... when the craziness of the secrecy is gone... that happened in my case, but even then, when the crazy OW was gone he still didnt' come back to me, so that's another thing not to hold your breath for.

Right now stay in survival mode, take care of you and the kids, I totally agree with minimal contact, it helped me heal a lot, when I saw him it made me just want to cry... I learned lots from 'healing without scars", 'eat, love and pray' and 'the spiritual divorce' books.
Treat this new R as a business R, the business being the kids since, sadly, you will have to have contact with him for years to come. Minimize talk, txt and email when you can and just go to the point. I remember how eager ex was to please once he told me we were done... so happy that now he was free to be with ow and thinking all was well with the world.

Dont' do anything that doestn' feel comfortable, dont' bend over backwards for him in any ways.

My faith in God healed me tremendously, I'd still be a mess, but I got closer to God through all the trials, I've grown, I can truly say I've healed and I've gotten ex out of my heart. Again, it took a while... lots of positive mental attitude, GAL, know that you WILL be ok, that you can make it. When (it will happen on an off) you feel the reality falling on you afresh like a ton of bricks give yourself permission to grieve and cry... when the feelings came I would call my cousin or friend and just vent and cry...then I felt much much better, it's ok to gracefully fold now and then.

You are young and have a whole new future ahead!

[poet]

" ... supposed you would've gone dark, like I did at some point... that didnt' help my ex to miss me ..."

OMG! your words are so consoling, cat, to a person like me who did the same thing you did, and H never came back. Being a LBS who's H has an OW and at least one prostitute who caters to his needs, I felt (and sometimes still do feel) very much like a failure from this marriage.

" ... his mind was in the gutter/OW, nothing and no one was going to convince him of anything else ..."

So nicely and courageously put. Thank you. Your words help people like me whose thread "this train: rolling down a no-come-back track" harldy ever has someone write a long and explanatory note. I'm not complaining, just making an observation. (Lea, please perk up your ears here and listen to what cat says). She speaks with a LOT of wisdom.

"Such is the nature of As... now, there a 50% chance that 6plus months from now the A will go sour ... when the craziness of the secrecy is gone... that happened in my case, but even then, when the crazy OW was gone he still didnt' come back to me, so that's another thing not to hold your breath for."

So true. And in more cases than one. Cat's is just one in a hundred, maybe a thousand just like hers. I know MINE is very similar. I do remember the DB days - my first year of being a LBS, when all I ever prayed for was his A to "go sour" so he would come back to me. Well, guess what? The A never went sour.

My H is going on four years of (I don't even know what to call it anymore. It certainly isn't a full-fledged affair because he hardly ever sleeps with her (at least not from what can be seen). He helps her with her "business" (I shouldn't even be saying this on here for fear he/or she might be reading my comments) but oh well.

I for one, have always prayed (and still keep praying) for the "the craziness of the secrecy to be gone." I've convinced myself that it will never end and I will NEVER really know the full truth. Four years is almost an eternity, and my divorce just keeps dragging on, probably to his benefit.

But, one thing is for sure. Life continues to move forward, and time keeps passing, so please make good use of it. The older we get, the harder it is to pick up the pieces. You're still young. Hold fast to your dreams and look for the beauty of living a life that is fulfilling before it's too late.

peace,
poet
p.s. I'm going to copy and paste this post to my own thread because I write so little there, that any decent/long comment by me needs to be placed where I can find it. (Clear as mud, eh?) Oh well, I understand it.

[Iwondertooo]

Can I mention one thing that I figured out? Very similar to what Cat said. When a spouse puts us in a situation like many of us have been in-- there isn't anything much we could do to change the situation. And yet we had to make a choice on how to best do what we could to save our marriages. Often and I would say usually they had already made their choices and were using us in one way or another. In my case if I did x I could not retain my dignity and actual sanity as a person as the affair carried on. If I did y I was leaving him to his own devices. I chose y. The hardest decision I ever had to make.

I carried around inconsolable and highly inappropriate guilt for many years. The deal is that some of these people are passive aggressive types. They will not take the decision. They want you to own it and carry the guilt when it was their decision all along. Not right, not fair. It took 2 years for my ex to file for divorce because I would not do it and 2 more for it to be done because he would not do the paperwork. There, I finally said what I was trying to explain. It's not about you. Stay strong and try to be around people who love you during this time. Wonder