I told my W weeks ago that I would attend a Sweet 16 party for her cousin. At this point I really don't want to go and my T tells me NOT to go. But there is a part of me that says that I made the commitment and I should just go. My thought was to take my own car and only stay for a short time and then go home.
Re: the call for seeing a mediator: I am not ready. I have too many questions to ask my W before I can go there. I will go, but when I am ready. I want to consult with an attorney first and know my rights and I have also sought out my own mediator (via my T) who I will want to see.
It bothers me that my W let a month-plus go by saying nothing and then calling me up all cheerful asking me to go meet with a mediator.
I want to be strong, I don't want to become the enemy because I will never stop fighting for my family. I know that this separation probably needs to happen for anything to change in our R, but I want to understand how to move forward and appear strong, confident, no longer a pushover, no longer the H who makes everything easy, someone who earns respect and someone who still gives the impression that he will always want his family.
I need to make changes. The status quo isn't working. What to do...
I have been posting here for about 5-6 months. I have been coping with the fallout of a WAW, the pending destruction of our family, the separation of myself from my two kids (on a daily basis), the pain, guilt and desperation of wanting so much to fix my family. I have been DBing via here and on the phone and unfortunately nothing has worked. My W is committed to breaking us apart. I recently met with a lawyer because my W is pushing us into mediation and I have even spoken to a few mediators to learn about the process.
As I've stated, my W sees no hope for our M, only a friendly supportive partnership as parents to our 2-year-old twin boys. She puts everything into caring for the kids and has given up caring about us. She is a horrible communicator, she's inhibited and she's not good at talking about her feelings. So rather than deal with the emotional aspects, she'd rather end it all.
I have dealt with the mood swings, the nice one day, distant the next. I have given her my absolute best for 6 months and the best thing is that I am a new person and my relationship with my kids is incredibly strong. She is happy that I have become such a great father, but it doesn't change her personal feelings. She leans on me heavily to deal with raising the kids and taking care of daily business -- from playing with them, changing diapers, feeding, or just doing something with them to give her a breather. I do it all and I have my doubts she will be able to handle it alone. In fact, I think it's going to eat her up. But it's not like I ever feel appreciation for how much I do -- just like it's expected.
But I have accepted letting her go, dropping the rope and giving her what she wants. She wants her freedom from me, so I guess she will get it. Speaking to mediators and lawyers feels so abnormal and it stirs up a lot of emotions in me. I grow desperate wanting to avoid the pain of going through with this.
I sort of believe there is no amount of DBing that will do any good anymore. Like it's time to bite the bullet and accept the fact that she's over me. I can't reconcile having two beautiful twins 2 years ago and now starting down the road to divorce. I just can't believe it.
Part of me feels like I will never stop fighting for us -- even after we S. Why? Because she is the mother of my kids and I will always love her for that.
I need to hear words of hope. That even when the writing is on the wall there is always a chance. Tell me something positive. Tell me it's never over. I have been told to separate some of the helpful things I do from our R so she feels like she is losing me. Stop picking things up at the market, stop fixing things around the house (which is hers), and stop making things as easy as I can for her. But I can't help helping. I would fix something anytime because it affects my kids and my W's peace of mind.
I talk to mediators and ask them to tell me a success story about couples who've reconciled after starting the mediation process. This would be easier if we didn't have kids, but every time I think of them I just lose myself in the idea of not being with them all the time -- and no amount of "but it will be better for you down the road" helps me feel better.
As we start this process how do you suggest I handle it? Lawyers tell me to "play nice" and make it easy for her so that your R with your W is as positive as possible and you keep your kids' welfare first. Is there anything in DB that I can actually do at this late stage? Even though I have said I let go, I don't think I ever truly will. I will always want my family to be together.
Mediation I am told can run 6-10 sessions no more than 2X a month, so I do have some time since I am not leaving without a parenting agreement on paper. Should I vanish? Leave her alone? Not help so much? How do I cope with this?
DB was not a failure because you said it yielded you a much stronger bond with your children. To me that sounds like a grand success. DB is about you.
It is not your job to affect your W's piece of mind by fixing things. As per her request she is choosing to be a single parent and homeowner. Honor her request.
She has the best of you when she is treating you the worst. Be the best for you children but not for her.
She has no idea what will be missing because you are still offering her all the perks of a marriage and partnership. THe last thing to try is STOP doing all of that stuff.
Are you literally saying that the last resort is to STOP being helpful and a good working parter (with respect to her and the home)? In other words, let her take care of everything alone?
I agree that DB and therapy has made me into a new person with a new list of priorities. Even my W has noticed that and she acknowledged it. I didn't mean to imply that it was a failure, I have gotten so much amazing advice, but more that the DB work hasn't initiated a change of heart. Maybe I thought it might.
I agree, I agree. Even though I don't expect her to say, "Since you stopped helping me, I realize how much I need you in my life. Let's try to work things out." Yes, that's sarcasm.
It's just been hard not to contribute while I am still living there. I feel like Jason Bateman in Juno.
Also, she will totally notice that I am no longer doing much. She does all the food shopping now, she won't even let me go out for milk. But if I am at the store she will allow me to pick things up for her (yes, I ask). I guess I felt that if I stop helping her it will just cause friction and ill feelings between us when I would rather things stay positive.
I think she's starting to feel increasingly guilty asking me to do anything. She's trying to handle things herself. Our koi pond needs some significant repair and she said to me, "Do you think [repair man] can fix the pond?" As if she's fishing for me to say, "I will call him for you." I just said, "Probably." Then yesterday, after about 5 days of her doing nothing, I said, "Do you want me to call [repair man]?" We then talked about the repair man's quirky personality and had a laugh at his expense. I think she was a little relieved that I stepped in and called him.
One of the types of behavior I constantly deal with usually goes something like this:
W is changing son's clothes from day clothes into jammies. The socks that she hand laid out get knocked into the sink earlier accientally. I take them out before she changes son, try to dry them off and put them back on the counter. As she goes to use them she notices they're wet. "These socks are soaking wet!" (even though they're not really) I say, "Son knocked them into the sink. They're not so bad." Then she lets out a sigh of exasperation and says with a nasty tone, "Can you go get me another pair of socks??" I get them and come back and hand them to her. She says, "Thank you" in a calm tone.
Any time things get out of order she wants to blame me.
Yesterday the boys wouldn't eat lunch. I had taken them for a walk and then up to the local high school so they could run around of the astroturf field and play with a ball. We got home around their lunch time and because they wouldn't eat my W says, "They're overtired now. You can't keep them out that long. This isn't working! During the week they're OK and on the weekend everything gets messed up. This isn't working." Totally irrational, totally out of touch. They weren't hungry, that's why they weren't eating. And the fact that she was shoving food in their faces. They're 2.
Two family birthdays coming up on her side of the family. I guess this will be my first opportunity to give her a taste.
With previous events she would ask me if I (emphasis on I) wanted to go. Not go with her, but just go for myself. I usually went. Months ago she would go alone and expect me to babysit.
Now that she is so used to me saying yes, she is going to get a dose of reality.
Just as an aside, my lawyer suggested I keep a diary of everything I do for the kids, and everything she doesn't do. Not sure how this would be used down the road if at all. As he said, I am a part time father and she is a part time mother. I questioned part time mother since she's home with them all day. The lawyer said, "She is a part time mother because she has help all day long while you are at work, so she is still only shouldering 50% of the responsibilities." A very lawyerly way of looking at things...
