So I have a WAW, mostly my fault , but she has acknowleded her own contributions and said to me and a relative and a close friend that she is NOT ready to throw in the towel on our 14 year old relationship just yet , but she needs her space to deal with her emotions over my treatment of her ( which really WAS my fault)
She's gotten her own place through a friend at work. I have the kids with me for now , so our daughter can finish her Kindergarten year in the same school. Once the school year ends, the kids will be living with her , as due to a bankruptcy I was forced to file just to keep things going this long, I will have no choice but to leave the house at the end of June or early July ( rental).
I've been reading DR and am committed to following what to do as far as not pursuing , validating her feelings etc, even though its the hardest thing I've ever had to do when all I want is my family back and happy. My wife has made it clear that she's so upset and heartbroken with how things have been that she doesnt even want to come around me, because up until I read DR every conversation would turn to me making the BIG mistakes , letter writing , imploring , begging , crying , " I've changed for good " etc.
I made it clear to her a few days ago that I could accept not talking about any R stuff , if she was willing to be around more
I made it clear to her a few days ago that I could accept not talking about any R stuff , if she was willing to be around more
So you put a condition on not talking about the R? IMO that is not the way to go.
What is it that you need to discuss with your W right now.. finances, the children?
In the beginning of your post you said your W needs space to deal with her emotions. At the end of your post you said you would give her the space by way of no R talk BUT she had to be around more. Where is the space in that?
If she wants space then give her space without conditions.
To spend no pressure no R time with me and the kids and she said she could try that. Anyway , here's the problem. There are issues we MUST talk about it the short time we have left at this house, if for nothing else so I can make my own plans.
I KNOW she hasnt thought out her WAW actions , since she got mad at me when she realized she couldnt afford her own seperate insurance policy on her SUV in addition to everything else required of taking on everything her self. The fact is she's a retail dept manager , but on an upward track that will still take a year or more to provide her with the kind of income on her own that she's accustomed to as a couple and I think thats just starting to hit her hard.
We just recently upgaded phone and plans on an account that is in MY name. Based on her negative reaction to her not being able to afford her own car insurance and her voiced expectation that in her mind it was my duty as a husband to provide her with a vehicle ,( thats certainly a NEW ONE) Im rather certain she's expecting me to keep paying the cell phone bill also.
A close mutual friend that has a degree in pyschology and has been talking to us individually trying to help agrees with me that if my Wife is choosing to seperate , then its NOT fair of her to expect me to pay for anything other then stuff the kids need. But given her extremely irrational and emotional state right now, NOTHING logical gets through and EVERYTHING is my fault.
So my question boils down to this. How do I walk the tight rope of working the DR techniques and detaching and giving her her space , so I can start working on fixing things, while at the same time getting across to her that there are things that we MUST sit down and discuss if she is determined to seperate , even temporarily ? And how do I manage the risk of not being a doormat and establishing a boundary of " Im not paying for YOUR truck, insurance , cell phone , etc . When YOU have decided you want to seperate? VS pissing her off even more and cultivating even more negative feelings towards me that will only hinder eventually reconciling in the future ?
I only have 5 to 6 weeks to figure this all out. I DONT WANT to have her feel anxious to come around , anticipating an argument , when Im trying so hard to WANT her to be around and desire to be around me, but I cant keep delaying talking about things that need to be worked out either !
I can see what you mean. And I can see how it might backfire. TBH I said that before I really got into DR and in the hopes that if she didnt feel that every time we were together I would bring up our issues and my desire to try to talk it out, that she would feel comfortable enough to be around more and could see my actions at work
Wife: I understand your desire to have space from our marriage at this time. I will respect your wishes however there are some logistical matters regarding finances and payment obligations that must be addressed by <insert date here>. I am available on <insert a few dates here>, what day works best for you?
Ok I guess thats a good try. She really is sending certain signals and saying certain things (independantly verified ) that she DOESNT want to give up on us yet , but needs the space to resolve her feelings about how I was acting ( which gives me time to enact real,permanent changes)
Im just worried about giving her even more excuses to hold onto her anger, when I alread have enough work to do on fixing things.
Like I said , its obvious she hasnt thought through the economics of her decision. She knows she cant afford the insurance on her SUV unless its on my exisiting policy, which pisses her off more since that means having to tag and title it in my name. Which she interprets as me taking something away from her.
I understand how upset and hurt she is , and how I played a BIG part in that. But I KNOW her income level and there's NO WAY in the world she's gonna be able to afford to do this seperation on her own. And I dont personally think its fair, no matter how badly I screwed up , for her to expect me to pay for her phone , SUV , etc.
