Her vehicle ( SUV ) has been off the road for several months because of needing repairs we couldnt afford. So she' been driving one of my two vehicles. Well , now that I was able to make the repairs for her and get it ready to go back on the road, she needs to get insurance. So she asked me to look into it and I found out and told her that her own policy would be 121 a month, but if I added it to mine it would only be 76 a month.
She got really upset because she cant afford the 121 a month , but for me to add her truck to my policy would require her putting the title an registration in my name, which she resents , because she " just wants something thats HERS " , not OURS. During the course of this , for the very first time I heard from her that one of her expectations from me as a husband was to provide her with a vehicle !!! This is the FIRST time I EVER heard that in 14 years. Yea , I always bought them in the past , but they were always hers to do with as she pleased.
She's been using one of my vehicles everyday since the big announcement , when part of me really feels like lashing out and telling her if she wants out so bad then she can take on ALL the responsibility herself. We also have cell phones under MY plan , and Im sure she's probably expecting me to pay for them to.
A very close mutual friend of ours once suggested to me that I turn her phone off the last time we went through something like this, so she would get a taste of just how hard it is to work to pay for all the things you take fo granted.
Part of me wants to be a real hard ass and let her fall flat on her face. I KNOW she doesnt make anywhere near enough to cover all the things we've had as a couple all these years.Hell she got pissed at me when I quit smoking last year and refused to keep buying HER smokes. But the other part of me is scared to death that if I try to assert myself and withdrawl support right now , it will only make things completely and totally unsaveable.
Our neighbor across the street is a really good friend and has a degree in psychology and has been letting us both vent to her individually and pretty much acting like Switzerland. Jen says that my wife has told her she just needs her " space " to work out her anger and hurt for my treatment towards her and that she really doesnt want to give up on us yet.
Oh, sounds familier. I just posted something that sounds similar. My wife admitted she hates me and the kids, and is blaming me for everything wrong in our lives. Although she has not moved out, her family would not allow for it, we are starting to live separate lives.
I am struggling to hold on to my life. I do feel there are things that I can do to be a better husband, but the hostility needs to stop.
If there are things you can do to improve the marraige, hopefully you (and I) can get the skills to be a better husband.
However, she chose to marry you, have kids with you and then move out. You are probably an amazing husband, and father we just need to figure out how to stop hurting our wives.
Good luck and take care, and if you have any suggestions, I am willing to hear it.
Similar situation here. Stay strong Bro and hang in there. If at the end of the day she leaves, you can have a clear conscience and at least say that you did everything you could do
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
No Looking back on things , there were definetly things I could have been doing much differently, things that she even asked for in subtle ways I just wasnt paying attention. One big sign I apparently missed was when she said she had finally accepted the fact that housekeeping duties just wasnt something I thought of (laundry, dishes, cooking ) and she had learned to accept it. Which I took way to literally according to a friend of mine and several other people. I took it as " great ! I really dont need to worry about that stuff " when everyone is telling me that was the time I really should have jumped all over it.
I also thought that just her knowing that I would always be here, wouldnt cheat on her , etc was something she needed most. I mean I always said love you all the time, complimented her looks, was ALWAYS interested in sex, gave her encouragement, remembered little token gifts , cards , flowers at random times, etc. But where I fell far short was in not meeting the emotional needs she had in the way SHE needed them , as opposed to what I thought she needed.
No Looking back on things , there were definetly things I could have been doing much differently, things that she even asked for in subtle ways I just wasnt paying attention. One big sign I apparently missed was when she said she had finally accepted the fact that housekeeping duties just wasnt something I thought of (laundry, dishes, cooking ) and she had learned to accept it. Which I took way to literally according to a friend of mine and several other people. I took it as " great ! I really dont need to worry about that stuff " when everyone is telling me that was the time I really should have jumped all over it.
I also thought that just her knowing that I would always be here, wouldnt cheat on her , etc was something she needed most. I mean I always said love you all the time, complimented her looks, was ALWAYS interested in sex, gave her encouragement, remembered little token gifts , cards , flowers at random times, etc. But where I fell far short was in not meeting the emotional needs she had in the way SHE needed them , as opposed to what I thought she needed.
This is exactly what happened to me. The housekeeping became a major issue with us. Although not an excuse for an affair with my work colleague IMHO. I failed to meet my WAW emotional needs on her terms too. I think I will probably regret this forever.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Bombshell part II , as if it could get ANY worse !!!
WAW just dropped off the kids and my almost 6 year old daughter let it slip. Seems my wife has decided to shack up with her ex from her first marriage over 15 years ago !!! The one that was physically and verbally abusive ???? Seems my wife swore hr to secrecy. So apparently the whole story about her getting a place thru someone at work was just that a STORY !!!! Also found out that my less then 1 year old 40 Flat Screen HD TV is now this clowns new monitor !!
I SOOOOOOOOOO want to let her know I KNOW EVERYTHING now. But I have to do some research and find out exactly what I can do to keep custody of my daughter and son. She wants to run back to him thats her choice, but I DO NOT want my kids anywhere near this guy !!
Problem is she's at least working. Im still on unemployment and starting job retraining next week. The rental house is in both of our names. Hmmmmmm gotta make some calls tomorrow, I KNOW I cant afford a lawyer. Plus Im gonna have an uphill fight since the Courts almost automatically side with the mother unless theres some really bad stuff going on with her.
Cmon vets Im in desperate need of some advice here !!!
I just discovered that my WAW REAL plan is to move in with hr abusive ex, someone that she hasnt had a relationship with in 15 years ! I was told this by my daughter and confirmed it by driving past his place , less then an hour after my Wife dropped the kids off , to see my truck that she's driving in his driveway. Im keeping this under my hat for now, despite the fact that I SOOOOOOOO badly want to let her know I KNOW what is going on. Suffice to say she has done a masterful job of lying to me , close friends and family , having convinced all of them that she was moving into her own place while we resolve our relationship issues.
I KNOW that if I go for custody it will TOTALLY DESTROY any possibility of reconciliation at least for many years. But I'll be damned if Im going to sit by and let her take my kids (almost 6 and 7 mos) to live with a guy with a past history of abuse and numerour arrests for domestic violence. Even her own sister will hit the freakin roof when she hears about this.
I have found out that Im in a somewhat stronger position, given that she moved out and left me with the kids , making it harder for her to argue Im "unfit ". Im already reaching out to family to establish a solid support network for when I go back to school/work in June and I know I'll have the kids with me at least until the end of the school year, so I still have
a few weeks to get my ducks in a row and formulate a plan and come up with proof of her infidelity. I also have access to all the paper work concering her giving up custody of her first two kids to the abuser's mother, including signing away of parental rights. I also can produce her pay stubs , showing that even on unemployment I collect at least two times the amount of her net bi weekly pay. Of course once I start back to work it will be three to four times higher. I can talk to my bankcruptcy attorney about stalling for more time in the current house, even though I suspect I already know the answer. I've already taken steps to look at two , 2 bedroom places with in my budget , the kids can have the rooms , I'll take the couch.
She cant even afford the insurance to put her SUV on the road unless its in my name and under my policy.
I also know that it strengthens my hand if I file for custody first. Im content to play dumb for now and gather my forces.
My question is. Do I go for custody , honestly feeling its best for my kids and forsaking ANY possibility of salvaging our relationship for a VERY long time ?
Maybe when Im all ready to go and I confront her and have the papers ready to file someone ( a third party thats concerned and she'll listen to) will be able to get through to her that she's picking a fight she cannot possibly win and she'll consider trying to work on our relationship
Or do I let things lie pat , giving her her space , and hoping that with time I can win her back ?
I want to make CLEAR that we are NOT legally married. We have been together for almost 14 years , since right after she left her abusive ex and they never got a divorce. I also just recently ( a few months ago ) paid over 300 bucks for a warrant that was out for her for a long forgotten and thought was rectified court fine over a misdemeanor summons.
I think I have MORE then enough to sway a judge, but Im anxious just the same , cause if I go " scorched earth " and still lose , thats it for us Im certain. Oh BTW , there is NO WAY she can afford an attorney ( actually neither can I unless my folks help out or I can find one that takes installments )
