First off, Thank you to everyone who truly helped me to understand so much several months ago! by commenting and directing me to the archieves, I was able to go out and GAL, take care of myself and children...and enjoy it! All the while keeping my h at a distance, yet close. Inviting him but never expecting anything from him. Really giving him the time and space he asked for...only asking a question when warranted and truthfully trying to let go of my anger and resentment of him for even leaving 9 months ago!
ok...so I have made WONDERFUL changes for MYSELF that I take so much pride in, words cant express it!
here are some things on H...
his testosterone counts have come up and DR was able tp finally prescribe an A/D...it has only been 1 month and i see changes. H went for his check up and the dosage was increased. waiting to see if there is more improvement...
from xmas( when I was in shambles), til now...I can truly see that he has calmed down quite a bit. things have been smoother all the way around...I believe mostly because of my acceptance that he isnt living at home...but at his parents.
h coaches softball with our children...he WANTS me to be a part of it...so I am FOR THEM
he still supports us, in fact bought a new home that we are getting ready to move into...without him...( yes, I am legally protected on the house)hoping that eventually he will
something else...because it is fresh in my mind...at xmas...I was given a few sets of kitchen towels and potholders...for Mother's Day...I was given a beautiful rosebush and several other perrenials to plant at our new home, I am a flower person...
yesterday he stopped at a yardsale...picks me up a BUNCH of grapevine items...HUGE wreaths that "HE" can put lights on at Xmas time...a set of 3 counrty hearts and 4 or 5 planters...also for my summer flowers...his comment was " I know, you are wondering why one minute im an #SS$ole, and the next giving you something I know you'll love" ?????
things like this have been happening frequently, and ALL along the words we and us have seemed to stay in place
FF to tonight...during dinner he starts...absolutely no idea why
he isnt moving with us he has so many responsibilities...let him handle it WHY do I put a time limit on EVERYTHING??? ( I hadnt said jack about anything) he is NEVER coming back I will NEVER change
could someone please help me out here? Im not saying things have been perfect...by no means but MUCH better!
what in the world could have triggered this or is it just him ranting?
Is he mad because my changes are showing to be permanent?
I am at a total loss here! He has lost a GOOD job, now feverishly looking for another one. Spent over $1000 dollars this winter to obtain his Captains license...now hes not sure if he is even gonna Charter due to $ issues, had a vehicle repossesed only to buy a piece of crap that has problems...
I could go on but those are the biggies! All I am guilty of with any of it, is standing by, being supportive and listening...being patient and not giving opinions...
again, someone please help and give me some insight!
I have been doing so well...i DO NOT want to spiral down!
thanks!!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Hi there, I rarely get to this part of the boards any more, but I caught this. Read through a couple of your old posts, can't tell if an OW is involved. In any case don't take the bait. Whatever he is up to, whether conscious or not, he is trying to justify his actions by creating a situation where he can blame you. Or he could be mentally unstable, as Jack said, who knows. Stay strong and watch those finances, you might be legally protected on the mortgage obligation, but those purchases are marital assets being spent that could be difficult to recover in the short term. Take care of yourself. Wonder
Lost, If I read you right, this came out of the clear blue sky, right? Everything had been fine before this.
Quote:
he isnt moving with us he has so many responsibilities...let him handle it WHY do I put a time limit on EVERYTHING??? ( I hadnt said jack about anything) he is NEVER coming back I will NEVER change
Off the top of my head, it sounds like he is ranting, and still trying to blame you for what is HIS problem. This is STILL all about him, and is normal for MLC, as he is still not out of the tunnel yet.
Pure speculation here, it could ALSO be one of the final tantrums he throws BEFORE he totally breaks...time will tell, for sure.
I had seen/heard things such as this from my husband...the anger still comes out, even as they continue to move forward, and they are the ONLY ones who can work it out within themselves...doesn't make sense, but sometimes they gotta get angry to get better, and it has to come out SOMEWHERE and sometime.
They can go back and forth within the stages before making the BIG decisions regarding family and marriage...and at least he is open about what he's feeling.
My husband was quite a piece of work, throwing tantrums, spewing venom, and always trying to blame ME with his problems that he was trying to work out within himself.
I didn't find out exactly what my husband had going on within his head UNTIL he broke Withdrawal,(all the spewing he'd done was covering up the REAL issues within himself) and I was shocked to find out he'd considered leaving me three times during this time... And even AFTER he'd opened up, I swallowed quite a bit MORE, as this was STILL all about him, and I endured pity parties, sometimes MORE spewing, all the time I validated his feelings...then finding something else for me to do while he continued to spin out like a washer.
All you can do is validate his feelings, listen to him spew when he feels like it, dig deeper for more patience.
You cannot force him to get past his negative feelings, he has to do this himself. You are his wife, therefore still the target of his venom...he's more angry at himself than you, as I believe he DOES see the mistakes he's made that you've listed, but his spewing is generally aimed at you, because he has to blame SOMEBODY; and it looks like he isn't exactly looking within himself just yet.
Don't allow him to bait you, walk away if you need to.
You cannot stop him talking, but you CAN change your reaction to it. A calm response would be; "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I'm sorry you're having such a bad day." Or, even walk out of the room while he's ranting, and when he wants to know why you're doing that; "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything." And mean it. I've actually said that to my husband before, as later on, I got really tired of hearing him constantly rant and rave..and try to blame me with it.
Once, I let him know I did NOT care if he left or stayed, but if he stayed, he WAS going to respect me.
You know your husband better than I do, and would know what would work, and what wouldn't. Do MORE of what works, less of what doesn't.
All the while taking NOTHING personal...it IS possible that he doesn't like your changes, and is attempting to make you backslide, to further justify his ranting, but, again that is HIS problem, NOT yours.
All you can do, is get on with your life, letting him go, and hope he follows you, Lost.
Sometimes, people have to see the proverbial door closing before they scurry inside...my husband did NOT like the fact I was moving on without him, so he hurried to catch up.
I hope this helps you. Remember, MLC=INSANITY.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
This morning it was like NOTHING had been said...or I am just supposed to take his words and remember them? who knows???
yes, it was out of the sky...Sat was spent with softball games, yesterday was spent cleaning the new house...together...amazing how much can be accomplished when there is a bit of team work...
he ticks me off so much! I was exhausted and he got me down a bit!
I will continue on...we are going to keep up with the cleaning, the home has been empty for a few years...lots of scrubbing and things to have it "clean and ready" to hopefully move in this coming weekend!
I sometimes wish for him to hit his freaking bottom! I believe he knows how much hurt he has caused and how much crap he has created because of the things he has done...
he actually apologizes now...where b4 it was the furthest thing from his mind!
I have a rant...
this man does EVERYTHING for us, his family...i wish for him to be able to see that if he were "at home" MOST of his issues that he now complains of would dry up and go away! He knows that we want him here...time will tell
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
My first thought is that he felt too close to you and it was scaring him and so he's backing off and just for good measure, making darn sure you know he's not having second thoughts.
Just keep keeping on, you'll be fine. Remember, don't believe any of what you hear and only half of what you see.
This morning it was like NOTHING had been said...or I am just supposed to take his words and remember them? who knows???
That's WHY you have to just continue to let it go, taking NOTHING personal. Somewhere within himself, he seems to be solidifying these major decisions, and testing the waters to see what your reaction is. To SEE if you're going to accept HIM.
I had something like that happen out of the clear blue, but later on husband did apologize for what he said, and it was UGLY what he'd said...but I just let it slide like water off a duck's back, and kept going.
You will know when he's finished spinning around; he'll come and talk to you.
Keep letting it ALL GO, let God, and just watch.
To begin to make a close connection again DOES scare them, and though it never looks right, smell right or tastes right...it's also a time for a final rebellion before he finally ACCEPTS what he knows is best for him.
The end of puberty is very similar to what the MLC'er does as he/she finally begins to accept their lives as they are and will be.
Lost, it will be all right, I understand your exhaustion, and the fact his timing wasn't the best..and he caught you off guard.
Keep us posted.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hello there, This is so weird - this book is mentioned on another Forum I am a member of - it has a little precis about the lady's situation. Quite interesting reading all in all
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
