We'll I'm excited to be moving my thread into the piecing section of this site. Everything has been real positive on homefront, we are enjoying each other's company, having a great time with our kids and dedicated to making this right.
We are planning on moving slowly with us. We are going to continue to hang out and just have fun together. I feel very secure with us, and I do feel the trust coming back as she does open up to me. She still works with OM, but she has set firm boundaries and he is respecting them to this point. Apparently he is going to try to work it out with his W, so I wish the best for them.
Anyways, we are looking for direction and are curious when sex should be introduced back into the relationship. I feel that we will just know when it is the right time and I do want to take it slow. W has moved back home, and we did spend the night together in our bed. We talked a lot and cuddled and boy did that feel nice. No doubt I want her, but I just don't want to rush anything. I hear that the physical can help bring back the emotional connection and am curious as to what others have found.
It seems to me that my stich maybe different than a lot of people's here. Wife and I are committed to each other and will be together forever.... We want to make this marriage work and feel that we have learned enough through our seperation to know what it needs to look like in order to make that happen. Obviously we have tons to work through, but we know we can do it. Any idea's or suggestions on how to get the connection back?????
Since you have her "on board" and pretty positive with reconsiliation, is there any way you can get her to read some R books with you?
I think society is very "anti male" at the moment, and women are given a lot of mixed messeges about what men need. You have probably done a lot of work to see what she needs (Haven't read your sitch, but the guys that are here become experts pretty quickly) But women, in general, are pretty open to R books and this may be the time to suggest some reading (especially if you do it together--I would love it if my H was willing to read some R books with me)
Chapman's 5 LLs is a fun little book and is REALLY helpful. The online test is also super easy and "fun".
And I just finished one calle Love and Respect which was really good-very easy reading, a section for the guys and a section for the gals.
I personally enjoyed Dr. Laura's Care and Feeding of Husbands, but some women really balk at reading that book.
Time together will bring the connection back. IMO, it's not something you can really force, just like if you were dating someone new. It develops at a natural pace. For myself, it was very awkward and strange in the beginning. That went away little by little and things are much more comfortable between us now and it's not because of doing anything special other than connecting daily (chit chat type of stuff) and spending time together hanging out. As for sex, it's probably best to follow her cues on that.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Just go with the flow and let everything fall into place on it's own. I' a little concerned tho that you say there is a need to "re-connect". For (x)W and I, it just happened. We, much like you were insantly commited to making this work, no matter what. We both know how much we can hurt each other (obviously), but mainly what life is like without each other and never want to be there again.
It is a major help that she is being open with you, that brought a ton of relief to my sitch as well. However, I could not tolerate any tie to OM and at the point where we got back together, they were working together as well. That lasted all but a few days before she got him fired.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
As far as a need to re-connect.... She has an emotional barriar still up as she explains it. her breakup with other man is very new and I see it taking some time for that to die off. She is committed to me, and we will make this work. We get along good, we flirt, talk openly and are glad to be back together. if anyone asks we "are working on it" end of story. We are no longer going to discuss our relationship with anyone else. I am going to sign us up for marriage fitness and we are planning on doing alot more fun things/ alone time together. I guess the hardest part now is re adjusting to having 3 young kids all the time.... at the end of the day we are wore out and have little to give to each other. However, we are working as a team and it feels good to just have each other's back.
Well, signed up for marriage fitness and start monday. Wife and i are getting along very well. The biggest obstacle by far has been our lack of energy. I guess it is just getting back into the reality of married life. No more day's away from the kids to just relax on. Oh well, We are taking it day by day and look forward to getting this marriage to the place we have always wanted it!!
Good luck with your reconciliation! It can be difficult. My H and I reconciled using the Retrouvaille program. We found it was a wonderful supportive environment that helped us tremendously. Don't know if we could have done it on our own, probably not. You should consider going on one of their weekends. Check out the website, www.helpourmarriage.org for dates and locations. As for getting the sex back, I took the initiative on that one. He was the one with the affair, so he played hard to get. But I guess after 28 years together, I knew how to entice him. Once we broke through that barrier, things were better. But we still needed Retrouvaille to learn how to talk to each other without hurt feelings.
Just wanted to update a bit, W and I are doing very well, we have had some fights,(mainly about OM) but overall we get together very well. We are planning on making our re-introduction as a couple this weekend at a local bar. Some insight for those going through the same thing. Wife started feeling love for me again after I had given her space and really worked on myself (6 months or so). I did lose 35 pounds and really figured myself out, I changed alot as I became more outgoing and in touch with my feelings.
during our seperation she would tell me that "you are better looking now than the day I met you, but it just doesn't matter". It didn't matter because it was the emotional connection, or lack their of is what was really missing in our relationship. In the month or so prior to our reconcilliation, we had spent time together for kid's events and did get along well and communicate freely. She said that time together is what made start to feel the "love" again for me. Ultimately when it came to decide between me and him, she said she knew she didn't "love" me like she loved him, but I was in her "blood". she didn't want to lose me no matter how hard she tried to convince herself that D was the answer.
The "fights" will simmer down over time in frequency. Just remember to inject compassion in them, validate her side/feelings and carefuly word yours (keep out "you never, you always, I hate it when you").
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
