Feeding the White Dog

[blind]

Hey all,

I know we're all new to this, and we're all in a world of hurt... it sucks, it really does... but last night I felt myself breaking a bit, and I put a post on my thread to "Feed the White Dog. For those unfamiliar with the story:

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Those of you who have worked with me, may be familiar with the story of the Native American elder who once described his own inner struggles to a friend as follows:

"Inside of me there are two dogs.
The black dog is mean.
The white dog is good.
The black dog fights the white dog all day."

When asked by the friend which dog wins, the elder reflected for a moment and replied;

"The one I feed the most."
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So I thought, that's a really good idea. So I posted this on my thread:



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OK, fed, showered and laying in bed... still feeling pretty down... so instead of sitting here stewing, or running wish fulfillment fantasies through my head (When I'm rich and famous, *I* will turn *HER* down!), I'm going to try and take some advice from this board and stop 'feeding my black dog'.

I am truly thankful for:

- My parents. The have accepted me back into their lives at a moments notice, fed me, sheltered me, and loved me. I have stability and security under which to try and pull myself back together, and it is all thanks to them.

-The weather. Even when it's cold it's beautiful. This morning dropped down to 5degress, which just meant we had a thick low laying fog that dissipated as the sun burnt through the early morning.

- Food. Good, clean, cheap, healthy, tasty food. My appetite isn't huge these days, so I'm filling it with the best tasting things I can find.... which leads me to:

-Losing weight. I've dropped so much already, and it's really just falling off still. I'm getting more and more nice compliments from random strangers.

-Dancing. Lord, thank you for dancing. I may have shared it with her, but it was mine long before we met. I love the feeling of movement. I love losing yourself in the intense concentration. I love feeling like I'm flying and my feet barely skimming the ground.

-Money. Sure, sounds shallow compared to the others so far, but I love actually having money. After so long tightening the budget for the big move, having money to... not burn, but INVEST into me is just an amazing thing. I can afford to save for a car while dancing every night of the week and meeting friends for meals as often as possible and STILL have left over. It won't last forever, but it's there for the now. I guess what I really love is "POSSIBILITY"!

-Text messages. I have at least 3-4 good friends who just hammer me with texts. Even when they're sad, even when they're depressing, even when they're just a simple "Hey, how much do things suck today mate?", they're a sneak attack virtual hug from a person who just needs to let you know how much they love you no matter where they are on this earth. That's something incredibly special.

-My friends. I know it's low on the list, and should probably rate a little higher (though after 6 years in the UK, they'd have to be pretty darn good to rate above the weather!). It's down here because whenever I thought of one, I thought of another and another, and it just made me realise that there are so many different people in my life in different places who mean so many different things... how could you capture them all in just one section? So, I wont. Seeing as I'm feeding the white dog here, lets spell it out:
-SS: the first one I told, and just an amazing rock of support and a truly wonderful person.
-MB: the one who shares what I'm going through and is willing to live through it a second time, even though it KILLS her, just because she loves her mate.
-NS: The little sister I always wanted... and would have been jealous as all hell of. Beautiful, intelligent and just a wonderous ball of innocence and laughter.
-AS: A true stalwart. Doesn't always know the right things to say, but knows the right things to feel. A true friend through thick and thin, just happy to be able to help you through.
-AR: Another sibling here, a brother. A bloke who just met me on the same frequency day one and has been such a delight to know since.
-CE: My other brother, the one you despair over but love no matter what. The one that somehow manages to love everyone he meets, just a gift.
-LN: So incredibly rough around the edges, and yet what lays beneath somehow radiates out to people so that almost no one even knows the edges are there!
-CR: My confidant. My rock. The one person I know would drop everything at a moments notice for me. The one person I can say would take a bullet for me without hesitation. Such an amazing blessing on my life.
-DN: New but fantastic. I giving and honourable bloke who gives for a living and keeps giving in his spare time as a hobby.
-NW: A misery buddy who is going through a similar hurt but showing great grace and dignity... along with striving through life threatening illnesses! An inspiration.
-BM: My buddy B. The guy who has been there through it all and speaks the hard truths I need to hear. The guy I have suffered alongside in the past. A straight shooter and an amazing stand up bloke.
-CH: Just a sweet girl who hurts so easily and so much, but still wants to reach out and hug you nonetheless.
-EL: Possibly the WORST at knowing the right thing to say I've ever known! But somehow still wants to keep trying until the words no longer matter, only the intentions.

...and somehow these are just the people who have been face first in my life these last few weeks. The ones that have really made an effort to hold me up and make sure I'm alright. How can someone be sad when surrounded by so much love?

which brings me to:

-Writing. I LOVE that I love my chosen profession. Even if I'm not doing it tat the moment. I love sharing what I feel with people in the chance that they feel the same and we share the human experience with each other without ever meeting. I love the play of words. I love silly, over the top, understated, dirty, clean, cheeky, and sarcastic humour that can only be achieved by finding just the right words.

-Artists. I work with a number of them on graphic novels. People who have approached me from the far flung corners of the globe. I've got a group of individuals lining down the west coast of America. Amazing chaps all. All loving, caring, talented artists who I can somehow turn to as a friend and talk to about my pain. People who have given me their number to call in case I run out of people to speak to! How can you find people so selfless, so caring?

-Possibility. The possibility that I could take on the dance world at age 30. The possibility that I could sell a screenplay or a comic or a novel and be paid to think on paper. The possibility that even though the life I knew is ending, there is a new life out there, waiting for me to claim it. The possibility that I can be any damn thing that I want to be!

...and the white dog is feeling quite full and well nourished There are some amazing things in this world. I need to remember to remind myself of them.
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And you know what? I feel a fair bit better! It still hurts and it still sucks... but there are some damn good things out there. Focus on them.

ANyone else want to feed their White Dogs for a bit? Post it here! No matter how small, how trivial. Share the love a little. Lets look at the little things that make us bother trying at all.

[konfuseeed]

Nice!

I'm a writer too, and I write comic books. No super hero stuff... Mostly horror and some true crime.

During my separation I've really thrown myself full bore into some projects that I've just been kinda tinkering with. One of them is going really well with a publisher all lined up to put it out when the first few issues are done.

So... Yeah.


Right on!

[blind]

Thats great news Konfu! I've got a book with an artist that I'm current;y submitting, but it's a long and grueling process, especially as we'd already started most of the work before pitching.

Live and learn I guess.

What publisher have you landed?

Also, so I don't alienate others here, what else are you thankful for? What else is there in the world that you look at any go "Wow, not EVERYTHING sucks right now!"

I had a very quiet day today, plans from the week ended on Saturday, so I was left to my own devices. A dangerous prospect at the moment, and I'd be lying if I said it went terribly well...

However, I did put the time to some good use, finally breaking the 200 push ups a day mark! (I'm at 270 so far, so if I can squeeze out another set of 30 before I go to bed I'll break a milestone I wasn't even aiming for! Got to be happy with that!)

Anyone else? Come on, let's spread a little positivity. The whole PMA doesn't do itself, we've got to work at it.

Would love to hear what else people love

[lees]

I'm just back from a 5 mile jog beneath beautiful blue skies in the countryside.

I love nature. I love the birds, I love the sun, I love the wind swishing through the trees. I love the pumping heart and the lungs that feel like they've been actually used for something.

[PEI]

Fantastic idea! One of the things I've chosen to focus my new and purposeful life on is gratitude - and so far I've discovered that it is transformational.

So here goes ... today I am grateful for

- life. Every breath I take is a gift and should not be taken for granted.

- health. And getting healthier - I'm down 17.2 lbs and loving every minute of it.

- my children. They are 3 very beautiful, pure, creative and wonderful reasons to be happy and thankful. Humanity in all its perfection.

- laughing. So good for the body and soul. I've been to see two comedians in the last week, loving stupid sitcoms and America's Funniest Home Videos.

- friends, both old and new. R and K, what would I do without you? There's nothing like friends who've known you since you were 13 years old to help you keep things in perspective. My ladies (the 'lunch chicks' from work) ... what a blessing ... 5 friends who know when to talk about it and when not to. B and D, my best two new guy friends. Love you both!

- family. Three sisters, three BIL, a 13 yr old brother, parents, aunts, cousins ... you name it. What would I do without them ... especially my 3 sisters, and in particular T. Her insight is invaluable, and her ability to keep me off the ledge or bring me back from the edge is phenominal. I love you.

- my H. Yep, believe it or not he makes this list. The hell of the last 4 mos aside, he has been my best friend and lover for 15 years. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

- my sitch. Yep. I said it. Ok, maybe not the sitch itself, but I am definitely grateful for the personal growth opportunity. My friend D always says that opportunity follows challenges and he's right. I am a new person.

- the DB boards ... and all the people on them I don't know where I'd be without all the support and love. Thank you all!

What a fantastic way to start a Sunday ... anyday really! A white dog with a full belly ... now there's something to be grateful for!

PEI

[PEI]

^ bumping because it's an awesome thread idea!

[Carlota]

Hi PeImon,
A gratitude list is the last thing I want to make today, but it is something that I need.

-I am grateful because for today I am still married
-I saw a hummingbird in my clothesline and it so petite and magnificent
-I hang my laundry and do smell so good with the help of the sun and breeze, they all dry
-For my beautiful boys that are smart, intelligent, good looking (like their mom)
-For my cat, she is spoil but I love her
-For my health, I am very healthy and managed to do exercise every day for 30 minutes
-For the love I feel for God and to put him in the right placement, which is #1
-For my friend D who has help me trough this horrible period and gives me the love and kindness and affection I so much need
-For my friend L who is not affectionate, but loyal and keep me moving while D is not around
-For this site, and all of you who can make a difference with your postings

Carlota

[Carlota]

Thank you for the story about the white dog, I never hear it before.

I realized that I am feeding the black dog (my mom’s style). I want to feed the white dog who is pretty much like opposite of my mom. She was gentle with me, she listen, talk to me in a nice voice, and her eyes had love hearts on them, she hug me and kiss me and wipe my tears.
I want to leave the black dog and keep only the good parts, I love him but I need the white dog. I want him close to my heart and mind, and I will dedicate the rest of my days to be just like him.

Carlota

[blind]

I'm so happy this seems to be catching on.

I struggle from time to time still, but then I look back and reread. Other things to add (and I'll do this from time to time):

-The Tango. What a damn fine and graceful and ATTITUDE filled dance.
- New people. Be they at dance classes, work places, or mates of mates. I've met some of the loveliest people over the last few weeks.
-Human compassion. I had to tell one of my co-workers about my sitch yesterday, and though she's known me for 2 1/2 weeks she was physically in tears for me. How can someone love you so much in such a short space of time? Because human compassion is a power that knows no limits.
-Getting home to a home cooked dinner, wrapped in cling film with a smilie note from my mother.... after a LONG day and loads of physical exertion, this is mana from heaven.
- Sweat. Sure, it's embarrassing, it leaves horrible marks on the dance studio floor, and if left to dry... ick... BUT, knowing you've worked so hard that you're basically swimming in your own skin gives a sense of satisfaction that's hard to describe.

More later What else do you have people?

Calotta, I love the idea of a hummingbird on my clothesline. I'm going to have to go bush again soon and see what the great outdoors holds for me!