He's waffling and I'm tired

[Carlota]

Thank you Donna, that list is so eye opening, long but wise and I am willing to do it. I am already doing some stuff on my own, without that knowledge.

I have to let my husband be and taking care me which is hard. I am going to look better and laugh more; I should rent funny videos since I used to be a happier person. I am asking friends to go out with them, something that I am getting more comfortable.
My whole world is different now, we used to spend time together and now he is avoiding me big time. I am even thinking that he may have someone else, but I am trying really hard to not eat me alive.

Carlota

[Carlota]

Hi C and thank you for your words, they mean a lot to me.

This list is about good things that I am already doing, like not pleading, counseling for myself and not pressuring for him to go to counseling with me or for himself, cooking good meals like I used to, buying balloons and baking him a cake like I used to.
Is that what you mean?

Erika

[Carlota]

Humm, Donna
This is the hardest thing I have yet encounter. I don’t know how to take care of me; everything was evolved around him, with him. I used to like that very much and now I drag myself to the movies, to eat, to take a bath, just to laugh is hard. I am a sad person right now and I don’t like me.

Erika

[Carlota]

Hi Cat,
Thank you for writing to me. He is going to counseling by himself, I don’t want to see our marriage counselor, and she was taking his side too much and made me feel worse. I am proud to say that I decided not to go, wherever he did she made a big deal and all the advancements and sacrifices for the relationship I have done, she didn’t recognized or acknowledge.
I found my own therapist and trying to get my self steam up. I look and act sad, I lost my nice spark. I want me back; it is not worth it to be like this. I am too sizes down and I am taking medication for my depression, which I never ever taking before.


Erika

[Carlota]

Gracias Lola,

I will pretend to be happy! Sounds difficult but I will do it anyway. I want to make myself happy and I found that almost impossible. He used to make me happy because he was invested and now he is taking himself out I don’t know what to do with the sad me. I hate to be like this and my kids noticed, everyone noticed my pathetic face.

Erika

[Awoken]

I will pretend to be happy!

That's the spirit, Carlota. We often think our behavior is effecting by our moods. BUT, we can often change our mood by changing our behavior. Go out, smile at everyone, surround yourself with people having a good time. Sometimes it works!

[whatisis]

Hi Carlota,
Sadly, your feelings about marriage counselling are pretty common. I know a couple of women who said it was the most horrible experience of their lives! Anyway, it's hard to fake happy but sometimes when we take our minds off our sitches, we can make it happen. Think about what you wrote that "he used to make me happy", no he didn't, you made yourself happy! You can do that again too, it just takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself and look for those moments when "happy" actually happens. It might be watching your favourite TV program, having a coffee with a friend, a walk in a beautiful park...you get the idea. Hey, start by using happy faces in your posts! You gotta start somewhere, right?

[Carlota]

Hi Whatisis,

You are totally right, small steps. I need to practice to make me happy. This situation brought me to my knees, because when things were going well I was leaving God in my pocket, now he is in my front seat, many times he is the one who drives.

My husband went away from the weekend and it was his birthday, which was very hurtful to me. He has been sarcastic and I don’t like that. The good thing is that God has made me more passive, and I usually not like that. This new way of handling this crazy change in my husband has helped me not to be blame for problems. I want him to stop focusing on me; it is impossible that I have done everything wrong in the marriage. He has to look at himself, that’s why I REFUSED TO REACT!

Carlota

[Carlota]

Thank you for the people who responded to my post. Today I am so sad; I can’t believe my husband went to visit his female cousin on his birthday. I am so hurt and lonely; it is painful to see that he is avoiding me big time; he does not spend time with me. The reality sucks because as I am writing I am realizing that when he is in the house he does not spend time with me either.
He tried to start over three times and he goes back on go separate ways and being cold again.

Carlota

[givingitmyall]

This is a tough part. I think the toughest part. But, you have to pull back, give him space, and focus on YOU. Understandably, you are giving him too much of you mental real estate. As hard as it may be, focus on you and taking care of yourself. You have no control over what he does,thinks, feels. Let that go. It's hard, but necessary.

What can you do to make yourself happy and keep yourself occupied? Exercise always works for me. Cooking a nice meal for me and the kids is great too. Get busy.