He's waffling and I'm tired

[Carlota]

I am Carlota, my friend DonnaF told me about this place. I can't be at peace, my husband is telling me that he wants out, but he says to give it a try and this is the third time and I am fearful, sad, upset, not knowing what to do. He worries about money, he does not spend time with me. I am lonely, I am pretty and I feel ugly, I feel not wanted by myself. I am in therapy and nothing is enough, I am depressed and not handling the fact that he does want out without giving his best shot, I am in shock by not seeing him try for us. Life is not a pancake, to make a marriage takes work. Work is part of the process. I am lonely because he has taking all his affection from me and that is my love language. I am drying like a prune and I am loosing my humor. He is far from perfect, and I still want this to work, I don't want to gave up on us. If he wants out, he needs to file, I don't want that in my conscience. I loved the way he used to be, I miss who he used to be.

[Carlota]

Can anyone suggest other threads I should read that might offer some place for me to start...?

[cat03]

hola )))) sorry you are in this hard situation. The first thing you need to know is that you WILL be ok, vas a estar bien, no importa pase lo que pase. You must believe this even if your heart breaks every day, it won't make sense but you must make yourself believe that. I call it plan B... what happens if he does leave... I know it's not something you dont' want, but that's the only way you'll find any peace, once you understand you can make it you might give him enough time and space to figure himself out.

Desperate women arent' very attractive, you have to give him time and space, sometimes you have to let go of someone and see if he comes back, if you let him know that you understand he needs space and that you are willing to give it he will pause and think..'do I really want to leave?'

For your own good do see a counselor or join a women's group, it saved my sanity big time... and my self steem also took a nose dive and I felt terrible...well, now is the time to focus on yourself and find what makes you happy on your own. Go running, join a group of something you like, etc etc...

Check the mid life crisis board, perhaps he is having one, or perhaps he is depressed, in which case a counselor wouldnt' hurt, suggest it, never push it, even if he wants to go by himself at first.

Will keep you in my prayers, take care))))))

[Carlota]

Muchas gracias, I'll keep reading.

Carlota

[Reincarnated]

C -
I am so glad that you got over to this site - I know that there are many people here who will reach out. It is a good place to ask questions, vent, and set goals.
I hope that you get to read the DivorceRemedy book (I would start with that one instead of DivorceBusting).
Like you heard tonight when we were reading the first chapter, there are many things that you are doing right in this sitch - why don't you start with making a list of what you have done so far (like the counseling and cooking, etc.)
((((hugs)))

[Awoken]

Hi Carlotta,

sorry about your situation; I'm glad your friend DonnaF told you about the forum here. There are lots of great people here who can give you great support.

You asked about what other threads you might read. I suggest you read as many threads as you can. Many questions you may have will have already been answered in detail. When I first got here, I wish I had read more threads so that I could better understand the advice I was being given. We are all in such emotional turmoil, that it's hard to think straight.

The "divorce remedy" book is great. Be sure to keep the book to yourself. It's meant for you; don't share it with your husband.

Hang in there.

[Reincarnated]

Sandi just posted this to someone else...she is one of the vets here. This is a good place for you to start...she knows what she is talking about!
----------------------------
Your W wants to escape from you and the M. The best thing you can do is to back away and do nothing to pursue her. EVERYTHING you say or do will seem like some form of unhappiness to her. Even saying ILY is pressure to her. There are a lot of things that you should do or not do that could help your stitch. I'm sending a list that I hope will be of help.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[givingitmyall]

Carlotta,

First, sorry you find yourself here, but this is the greatest place none of us ever wanted to find. You will find many selfless people who have been through exactly what you are going through (including me) and want to help.

Second, you have already received some great advice. The list from Sandi (who is fantastic) is one of my favorites.

One thing that I think would help you is to focus on YOU. Working on yourself and, more importantly, taking care of yourself. You are going to have to be your own support in your M right now, b/c your H is not going to take on that role. That was one of the hardest things I had to come to grips with early on.

One of the books that helped me (in addition to DR and DB) was "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. Really helped me realize that no matter what happened, I would not only be OK, but I would thrive. And, I have found that to be true.

[Reincarnated]

I've read a few times on different threads that posts can be a little quiet on the weekend (many people write while they are at work), but it will pick up again on Monday. Are you reading? Are you taking care of you?

[LolaL]

hola có mo está usted. Mi nombre es Lola,He sido donde usted es. Soporte conmigo, mi español está mohoso... es muy importante a que usted trata no También es enrollado en la predisposición de su marido. Esto será difícil. Usted no puede controlar sus sentimientos. Nuestro primer instinto es de adherirse. Eso lo apartará. Fínjale es feliz. Otras personas son atraídas a personas felices. la mayoría de los alientos importantes.