Suspected an affair, and caught the guy coming out of her house last weekend after having spent the night. She is renting from another woman who also lives in the house, but the OM was a friend of ours before she moved out. We're separated but not divorced. The guy was evasive, and almost smug when I confronted him. No explanation, no "Hey, you've got the wrong idea", nothing. He had been there both nights over the weekend, and this was while she had my 5yo son there that weekend! She called me withing an hour of my finding out to say that I had the wrong impression, then nothing for 4 days. No explanation at all, said she was too mad.
Last night we talked, rather she talked and I tried to get a word in now and then. She said what her roommate did was none of my business, that I had scared them all by being outside the house, that I was being irrational and creepy, and that she thought we had been getting along fine the past two months. She said she'd spent the week cleaning up the mess I'd created, and said that the reason she hadn't spoken to me before now was that she was a)too mad, b) needed to call the police to see if I had broken and laws (nope!) c)didn't want a confrontation. By the way, I've been nothing but calm and polite with her and OM (YAY ME!!! BIIIG 180!)
She never said that the OM was was dating the woman in her house, just said it was none of my business. She never deined or admitted that she was having an affair, and said that the OM was a friend. At no time during the week did she, the OM, or the woman call to tell me off or correct my impression. Nobody stepped up to say "WTF were you doing, it's not what you think, here's the explanation."
Trust your instincts... If you think she's cheating then stand your ground. If this guy was smug to you it is very likely he is...
How close is this female friend to your wife? Would she lie to you to cover up your wife's affair? If not, then ask her roomate directly if her roomate is sleepign with this man... Often people will perform a passive lie (that is, turn the otherway) for a friend, but often will draw the line at an active one (directly and knowingly offering incorrect or incomplete information).
What you were doing is not creepy, you are protecting your son. That's not creepy, its called parenting. You have a right to know who is staying in the home that your son is staying it.. It's called being a good parent.
Creepy is handing your son off to an estranged wife and NOT bothering to follow up to find out where your son is, or who else is in that home at the time.
Have you done any research on infidelity?
It is an addiction... the best route to end it from what I read here and in formal textbooks from experts is to EXPOSE the infidelity to the public (friends, relatives, workmates), particularly on the OP's side instead of your wife since you want your wife supporting you long term?
Do the resarch. There's a great text book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass... Glass pretty much bursts the "friends" bubble inside of just a few pages.
Your first step is collect as much intel as you can and based on the intel if there is an affair going on, expose the affair to the OP,s workplace in an attempt to publically shame him away from your wife.
You will have to gauge your relationsihp with your In laws before exposing the infidelity to her friends or family... that is a dice roll and may do more harm than good.
Thanks Allen. I was hoping you, PDT, or a few of the others familiar with busting these things up would weigh in.
My instincts say she is, and she's lying. There are a few other things that have happend, that would have been clear signs I was being paranoid, but they didn't help the perception I have and don't look good for her story...
Above all I want to save my marriage, preserve my family, and protect my son.
Do you think I should contact her and let her know her explanation thus far is inadequate and doesn't address the real question about what he was doing there, what's going on and how it impacts our son?
Roomate is no ally. I might be able to ask her directly, but I would expect she'd lie for my wife. She's already been divorced.
Has your wife nowhere else to go? If you create a lot of drama over the affair her roomate might toss her out?
The idea for busting an affair is a bit complex, but here's my best pitch to date :
Your wife has three courses of action in her life at this juncture :
a. Maintain a secret, taboo, destructive affair/open marriage b. Pursue separation followed by divorce and exit the marriage c. End the affair, pursue reconcilliation, and rebuild the marriage
Right NOW, A looks a LOT more inviting than B or C.
Your wife is going to beg, borrow, or STEAL to keep pursuing A as long as it is available to her.
The idea here is for you to do some work on all three of these :
a. Expose the affair, thus ruining the exictement from secrecy.. This will also often create a great deal of public embarassment for the WS and the OP - not always, but in many cases WS and OP do NOT want the affair exposed otherwise they would NOT be keeping it SECRET. The fact that your wife IS keeping this secret reveals she's vulnerable to exposure - or OM is, or both of them.. Whomever matters little, at LEAST one of them wants to keep this quiet... YOU attack that secret and blow it into the open.
Make it clear to your wife, OM, and anyone else you expose to that you WANT to save your marriaeg, that the infidelity is a thtreat to you, your wife, and your son's welfare. That infidelity and lies is NOT a safe or stable home life for your child or for someone in the midst of a painful separation. Again there aer lots of samples on this subforum of these sorts of exposure statments.
b. talk to an attourney, find out what your options are. If there is any room to apply additional pressure to yoru wife given the laws of yoru state you do it - if your wife isn't providing an adequate living arrangement for yoru son you can restrict her level custody, etc. You also restrict your communications to yoru wife to an unemotional practical level.. get an intermediary if you can to speak on your behalf. Get a protection phase letter ready as well. The idea at its simplest is to SHOW your WIFE what DIVORCE will FEEL like... cut her OUT of your life if you feel this will apply additional pressure to her.. MOST WS' like to keep their LBS in their pocket for safe keeping... Make it clear to your wife that you are NOT a spare tire and EXTRACT yourself from her life, her melodrama, and her web of lies...
c. Make it clear to your wife and other marriage friendly supporters that you WANT to save your marriage. Find a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST - NOT an IC but a FAMILY THERAPIST. Start reading as much as you can on rebuilding marriages. Do everything you can to make reconcilliation an inviting prospect and get a FT NOW and start giong NOW so your wife can see you are willing to change and accept some responsability of the marriage failing.
You want to RESTRICT your wife's access to A You wnat to PUSH your wife towards B AND C at the SAME TIME
Basically ACTING in a manner that conveys the following :
1. I will not allow you to lie to me and carry on an affair in secret - I will no longer excuse your destructive behaviour.
2. The lying, cheating, destructive spouse you are NOW must LEAVE my life and the life of our son so we may live safely. 3. The honest, committed, responsible adult you CAN be is welcome to return to us and a family therapist at ANY TIME.
Again you cut OUT the affair, attempt to PUSH it into the OPEN and shame it into a painful, stressful, embarassing mess that your wife will WANT to ABANDON
This will make divorce or reconcilliation look more attractive... with reconcilliation being th most inviting becase YOU will be working on yourself to make YOU look the most inviting of these three courses of action.
Been doing my reading (DB, DR, among others) Was in LRT, but things have been going better so allowed more open contact in recent monts. Have had sessions with Laurie(DB Coach). Picking up Not Just Friends tonight.
I've slayed my own dragons in the past year or so, made lasting improvemnts in myself, and learned to let go of my anger.
Things have been better in the past two months, but if there's been a EA/PA at the same time, then she's been cake eating BIG TIME! LRT and detachment going into effect this weekend.
Thanks for the tip on focusing on exposing OM side first - makes sense. Are college age kids who have been through this fair game? (OM cheated on first wife before divorce)
I have done B and am sitting in good shape right now. His suggestion at present is to do noting since she has no grounds.
Have told her plainly and directly that we are still married, any relationship she is in is unacceptable, and that she needs to end any relationship immediately.
1. OK, change "unacceptable" to "destructive to family" Your wife does NOT care what you accept when she's addicted to an affair. She WILL pay SOME attention to warning signs she's neglecting her son. And EVERY HOUR she puts into OM is an HOUR she is NEGLECTING care and support of her son.. You can't be a cheating addict AND a good parent.. its one or the other. Focus on the harm to family, she won't give a damn if YOU think its unacceptable.
2. There is a lot of debate as to how young you can expose infidelity to. Phil McGraw allowed children age 15 to appear on his show when he did an affair intervention last fall... Great episode (two parter, got the wife to end her affair). So, I say yes college is fair game.
Aim for embarassing OM and indirectly WS. Focus on harm to FAMILY and stick to the truth. Just let the truth come out. If you stick to teh truth and they complain (and trust me they will) you just tell them you will not enable behaviour that is destructive to you, her marriage, and her son anymore. Tell her if she is proud of harming her family and her son then she has no reason to hide it... Basically telling her to tell the truth and like it or to stop the destructive behaviour.
Infidleity IS an addictive activity like gambling... its an impulse control disorder where a person gets hooked on the high of a fantasy that is destructive and will allow the world around them to deterioriate to an embarassing mess before letting go of the high again.
Expose it to the public view and make the secret love affair into an embarassing mess she will want OUT of FAST...
Do NOT warn her, do NOT argue or justify yourself when she confronts you, just stick to a simple hard hitting statement
"I did this to protect me, you, and our son and I would do it again.. you are HARMING CHILDREN"
And WALK AWAY.. always walk away after that to let what you have said resonate. Do NOT get sucked into an argument.
State your position and EXIT.
Collect as much INTEL as you can. Some people may demand intel to believe you.
Do NOT warn your wife or use exposure as a threat, she will just run damage control first and paint you out as a jealous monster husband and ruin your credibility before you open your mouth.
Exposure is a RACE.. the first one there has a LOT more credibility than the second one coming in the gate.
If you expose first your wife will just look like she's doing clumsy damage control and will have limited credibility.. HIT FAST, hit HARD, and STAND BACK..
avoid confrontation with your wife.. make the affair unpleasant and stay back and wait for her to reconsider her position...
Alays present yourself ina calm, mature, and responsible manner... people will watch how you handle yourself and compare with her.. let her act crazy and yell, it just lends more credibility to you and she will want OUT of the affair to get away from the stress and teh shame.
It does NOT always work, it depends on how much public image is important to these two...
Thank the experts I and others here are reading... we are just passing on information really.. I won't take credit for the hard work of people who dedicate their life to this full time ...
Glass, Shirley Tuppy, Penny Harley, W Davis, Michele W
I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it. Cameron Frye
The exposure has begun. Those that I feel can influence the situation have been notified, and I've asked for their help in supporting my efforts to rebuild my marriage. May her affair shrivel in the cold daylight of truth. I'm going out for the day, and hope that she spends the day in an SStorm of trying to explain herself.
