Hi. Hope you don't mind me coming to your board. I post on the newcomers board, my thread is Please help, husband "not in love anymore??"
I guess I'm trying to find out if it's possible for a man to say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" without there being another woman?
I know he had an EA during the summer while deployed (though he denies he felt any emotions for her).
Came home in Sept. dropped the bomb Dec. 2. We are trying to make it work, who knows what will happen.
I go through stages of believing there's no OW, I've asked, there are NO clues (at least right now) that there is one. He's been BRUTALLY honest with me so far, so if there is another woman, why not just tell me?
I also think I want there to be OW so that maybe I can go "emotionally dead" inside. I don't know.
If anyone would read some of my sitch. on my thread, offer insight, or anything, I would appreciate it so much!
Also, I like reading the success stories here, it gives me a bit of hope that I keep losing everyday. Jill
Hi. I'm going to check out your sitch over on newcomers when I get a minute but wanted to make sure to say hi.
I don't think there's any hard and fast answer to your question (when they say "not in love" does it always mean an OW or OM?") but it sure hurts, whatever the case. Sorry you have to be going through this, too.
Many times I think they are seeking "something missing." Sometimes it's MLC, sometimes depression, or pent up frustration, or wanderlust, or fearing getting old.
I'm pretty sure in my H's case he said those words to me to give himself permission to sleep with someone else -- he set himself free, sort of, by declaring himself finished with me.
I railed against those words, fought with him, argued, cried, pleaded... he just turned his back on me and my pain. How could this be happening to us? We were the ideal couple!
But he had to do this, and I had to learn to let him go and focus on my goals. I picked up Michele's book DR last December, learned all I could about MLC, came to this BB, listened and learned. Though I was really skeptical that ANYTHING would work. Why should he give up a bachelor pad, raunchy pals, trips to Vegas, and freedom to meet and screw pretty women to come home to me?
Well, it's been a year of me DB-ing, changing my behaviors, "acting as if" and doing 180s, and my H is home and we are back together.
My whole story is over on MLC (he got into Internet porn, moved out, trashed me to his buddies, blah blah blah) -- I picked up the pieces and learned to behave differently. Wooed him back into my orbit by being nice, basically. It was SO HARD!!!! and he DIDN'T DESERVE IT!!!! but I stopped worrying about that and did it for ME.
I am very proud of myself for my diligence and "rising above" a lot of bad stuff.
I am also pleased as can be that I am once again his chosen one. I forgive my H for behaving badly toward me. Now, also, I see how my anger, outbursts, demands and insults contributed to our estrangement. Sure, you could say I was justified in being upset (about the porn), but my hard attitude closed him out and drove him away, and I had to soften to get his attention again.
Believe me, it takes what seems like forever. And there are no guarantees. But I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED what happened to me (reconciliation) was possible, without Michele and her new ideas.
Sorry to go on so long. Really wanted just to say hello, offer some support, but I got to thinking about how this all worked out in my case, so rambled on.
Glad to meet you, will follow up on your thread. Take care! I'll be checking in on you and sending positive vibes.
Quoting Teach: Hi. I guess I'm trying to find out if it's possible for a man to say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" without there being another woman?
Jill
Hi Jill -
Not a wise D'Ber but I've been around here for a while
My conclusion after following many people's stories (my own included) is that , most of the time, despite many denials, there IS someone else. Either right there or waiting in the wings. It gives the WAS the "strength" to do what they're doing.
Teach, there is a saying that men don't leave something for nothing. I at first didn't think there was OW, but as the months went by after 'bomb' I found that there was an EA. It is over now, as my H has decided to make it work with me. Sometimes I still wonder, not about "her" but there is an occasional spat, nothin like before, however. The most recent one (last night) was over such a stupid thing. He's a FF and is taking another training class in January. I was simply inquiring as to the nights and times, strictly out of curiosity and he took it as keeping tabs on him and checking up on him. That was totally NOT my reasons for asking. If it was I could say it here but it wasn't! I was being curious and making conversation! Their ego's really!! There is also another saying, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Take care, Lisa
