Husband moved in w OW 2 weeks ago - what now?

[MarieC]

I thought my husband of nine years and I were happily married but going through a stressful time because of heavy work and school obligations – but it turns out my husband had started an affair and perhaps is also in a MLC. My H was working on his MBA while holding a full time job, plus it's ski season, so I am used to being a ski widow for a few weeks each winter, but this February, I got worried and spoke with him about my concerns that he was away from home so much more than usual. In addition, he began drinking way too much (since about Thanksgiving.) He had even begun to have blackouts, which I know is a bad sign when it comes to alcohol abuse.

At the beginning of February, I asked him to cut back on his drinking and after-sports hanging out with the guys to spend some more time with me (I just asked for one weekday evening and one weekend day – from my husband) and to give himself more sober time to focus a bit better on his MBA thesis (he only had a few weeks left before it was due and had written nothing – I know what I’m talking about on this front, as I'm a professional writer who has written several books and have a graduate degree from Yale – I also, at his request, edited and helped him with every single paper he did during his MBA.)

Well, my normally kind, patient, sweet-natured husband, who had never once told me he was unhappy in our marriage, became enraged. He stormed out of the house, came home later that night but didn’t speak with me for 3 days, and when he finally did speak with me, told me he was “done” and that he wanted a divorce because “we have nothing in common anymore.” He would not discuss his decision at all or explain any more beyond some vague comments that he later retracted.

I thought the excess drinking was because he was stressed about his being able to complete his MBA thesis, which is hard to do on top of a full time job. He had also recently gotten very much into sports, but I thought that that was also a way to cope with the extra stress of working and doing an MBA and because the doctor recommended it as he’d gained 60 lbs doing the MBA, which caused back problems the doctor said would be alleviated with more activity.

Well, it turns out I was completely wrong – about why he was leaving me, I’d been pulling my hair out trying to figure out why, as he had – the day before I talked with him about the drinking – told me the best part of his day was coming home to me. He never stopped being affectionate or telling me he loved me or sleeping with me.

He just left 2 weeks ago. It turns out the he left me to live with the barmaid (with a 9th grade education who can barely speak English) where he goes drinking. He has cut off communications with all of his/our old friends, his parents, and his sister, all of whom – like me – thought that we had a happy marriage and were good to one another and the he really loved me. Even the waiters in the restaurants we went to each week were in shock – they couldn’t believe it, either, as he was always so affectionate to me.

He initially tried to hide the affair, saying he “needed time and space to think” and that it was “just a trial separation so he could think straight,” but this is a small town and it took no time for neighbors to tell me what they had been seeing. He initially denied the affair but admitted it when the evidence was overwhelming. A few weeks ago, he signed a lease for a new apartment and told me he wants a divorce; this isn’t a trial separation. No discussion, no counseling, it’s over.

His best friend from college, trying to figure out what the heck had happened, told me a few days ago that that he thinks I stepped on the perfect landline with my H, when I asked him to cut back on his drinking and said I feared he would never make his thesis deadline (which he did not – he missed it.) Apparently, as an undergrad, my H was thrown out of his university for drinking too much and failing his undergraduate thesis! He had to leave college for a year, during which he worked on banquets in a hotel, then had to reapply and interview for readmission, and then repeat the entire year. His friend said it was humiliating for my H. (The way my H had told the story to me was that he took a year off and that working in the hotel had done him a world of good because it proved to him you needed a degree to get decent work in today’s world.)

So... he moved out last Thursday and the bimbo moved right into his new apartment with him. He signed a post nup giving up rights to half my savings and retirement (he was entitled to that under the law where we live) in exchange for all of our furniture and the (expensive) car. As he moved out (it took 4 days to take apart our household), he kept crying and saying he had forgotten how good it was to be with me (God know what story he'd concocted to justify his behavior to Bimbo and himself about me and our marriage) and that he loved me...

But he still moved out, taking all our furniture off to his new life with Bimbo. He wants to "be friends" but I can't - so we have no contact – at least now.

What do you guys recommend about a way ahead?

[Lotus]

Wow! that's quite a story. Reminds me of an old friend who was addicted to drugs. She moved in with her pusher. Can't say that story ended well.

If it's any consolation to you, I don't think he left you for her. He left you for the alcohol. She just serves it and keeps him company while he drinks. You've got an alcoholic on your hands. Sounds like you've got a head on your shoulders. If I were you, I'd take stock of my goals in life, choose one, and start pursuing it. It is all up from here!

[newmama]

Marie, don't be friends with him. He needs to hit rock bottom but he'll be back. It could be a few months or a year (just look at success stories in piecing or reconciliation)but I bet closer to a few months- especially since this woman is random- not a close friend or coworker!.

There will be nothing you can say or do to help him. Well- if you just move on and avoid him while he self destructs, it will help him end the affair sooner!
If he is an alcoholic, have you seen any signs before this?

[MarieC]

Thanks for writing, Lotus. I have a lot of experience with alcoholics (and Alanon) - am Irish and pretty much grew up in a pub. I was worried he was becoming a problem drinker and on his way to risking full-blown alcoholism, which is part of why I talked with him. He had had several blackouts, drank to excess almost every day, only had a few more weeks to finish his thesis, and I missed him - I never got to see him sober this winter - until he moved out. Now when I see him he's always sober, though I ran into him today and he looks awful - pasty, swollen face, dark circles (but Bimbo sure can iron!! Looks like he got a valet as well as a beer waitress in that one!)

I know there's a point when it's too late for someone with drinking problems but I didn't think he was there - until he made it clear he was choosing the drink over me. He is so nice to live with, so kind and considerate and affectionate, that Bimbo would be an idiot to let him go (uneducated doesn't mean an idiot - I only got my education through hard work and scholarships) but you have to wonder about how much he would have in common with a woman so unmotivatedthat she didn't even bother to finish high school - and too lazy/dumb to learn to speak English after being a beer waitress for years in a tourist town catering most to Americans and Brits!

So... I'm hoping he just got into this in a beer haze and didn't know how to get out of it, but I also wonder if he's crossed the border to full-blown alcoholic. Bimbo doesn't care how much he drinks, whether he finishes the degree he worked so hard on for so long, whether he is hurting his health with all the drinking... Heck, she might not even consider the last two issues!

I am not ready to give up hope, though. On the one hand, I know he has at least an alcohol problem and that he lied to me and cheated on me over the last 12 weeks. The problem is that he was a kind and good boyfriend and then husband for the last 12 YEARS...

I don't know what - if anything - I can do.

[MarieC]

Hi, newmama. Thanks for writing.

He is employed and his parents are pretty well off and are subsidizing him heavily (even though he won't talk with them about what is going on in his life - they only know what I've told them, which is the truth). Somehow I can't imagine him hitting rock bottom, even though he has also dropped all of his old friends. He has only discussed his situation with others with drinking issues and bad marriages, womanizing ski bums (I live in a ski resort), and of course the beer waitress.

He is genetically 100% Irish and grew up in the UK, so (being Irish myself, having lots of alcoholic relatives, and having worked with Brits for years) his drinking was excessive at times by US standards, BUT in the past, if I expressed concern, he always would pull back, switch to mineral water, and then drink less for months at a pop. He was often triggered to excess drinking by his companions - his fellow Brits and Irish friends could get him to drink too much as could the German and French mechanics he works with - but when he was with me or our usual group of friends, he would avoid drinking too much.

He even said on several occasions during our marriage that I helped keep him from running into drinking issues and he's glad he had me in his life as his reality check.

Now, of course, I am thinking over what's been going on and don't know what to think. I know that different countries have different definitions of alcoholism, so though I can't say he's an alcoholic, I can definitely say he was scaring me that he was on the road to becoming one.

Do you think there's any hope? And would you go COMPLETELY dark on him? I want him to know I'm here if he wants to talk -- I THINK! I should probably go and see about online Alanon - there is nothing here in this small town to help with thinking through the alcohol aspect... But that said, until this winter, he was SUCH a good, sweet, kind, loving, affectionate husband. My head says, "Look at how he treated you the last 12 weeks!" but my heart says, "Look at how he treated you the last 12 YEARS." He used to be SUCH a good husband.

I wonder if his best friend's theory - that I stepped on the perfect landmine by linking my concern with his drinking and my concern with his completing his MBA thesis - somehow brought him back to the failure he had in college and somehow caused a crisis in him, maybe a midlife crisis. (He's lost 60 lbs, started marathoning, is freaked about losing his hair, now he's left me for Bimbo...)

Would love to hear more about what you think...

[newmama]

Marie, many people suggest leaving a letter or email with the spouse before going dark. Check out "plan B letters" on marriagebuilders.com but here is another version from mb28's thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1924132&page=82

From SYMCINC.com Penny tupy:

Protection Phase Letter:

Dear ________,

I love you and I married you for life. I want to remain married to you. I am willing and committed to doing what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things that I did wrong in our marriage.

The affair is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. As soon as the affair is over I would love to talk with you about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever in any form.

In an emergency you can reach me through ______. Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

Sincerely,
[YOUR NAME]

Of course you might want to tweak it slightly for your sitch.
There IS ALWAYS hope, Marie!
What do you think of this letter?

[MarieC]

Thanks, newmama!

I actually (without knowing that this was out there) did this right after he moved out. I tried to set the same tone, too - that I love him but I can't pretend to be friends with him while he's sleeping with Bimbo. He hasn't been great about honoring my request, sometimes sending me 5-6 emails in one morning, offering to help me with the bills, with finding a new car, with setting up a new router in the house, asking about my friend who died, etc. This was all normal from him BEFORE but I don't think contact with him does anything but prop up his relationship with Bimbo (he hadn't seen me for a few weeks before we had to break up our household and during the days we did, he kept saying he'd forgotten how nice it was to be with me and that our conversations were so interesting!) It also makes me his "Plan B," something that I think - if I cooperate with it - makes him have less respect for me and shows I am a doormat. Am I being too hardcore on this line of thinking?

Also, at the lawyer's office, when we signed the postnup (right after the moving van took away our furniture to his and Bimbo's new place), he refused to discuss divorce plans. I tried to follow up later and again he refused.

BUT he moved out of our home and in with Bimbo. Actions speak louder than words, I think -- but I also think his pain is genuine. Today, too, in our very brief encounter (I had to hand over some financial files he left at our house), he immediately offered to do my bills - but I don't think that's a good idea.

Thoughts? (Thanks again for writing - am incredibly lonely and confused right now. Almost everyone I know wants me to hate him and I am SOOO not there [yet?] I'm not kidding when I say head remembers the last 12 weeks, but my heart and body remember the love and kindness and sweet husband and before that boyfriend of the last 12 YEARS.)