I have been lurking around for the past month, learning a lot from people’s wisdom and amazing fortitude. I’ve been following especially the threads of Number 8, rr22, Lost Rabbit and flowmom with whose situations I share some details.
Here are the basics: Me: 36 H: 32 M: 6 T: 13 (we lived together for 4 years before marriage) No kids but situation made difficult by jobs in different cities for the past 4.5 years. I got a great job in city A and we hoped H would find a job here as well; however, he got a great job in city B, where I have no prospects for a job (will keep trying in the future, but chances are very slim). H has always been very supportive of my career (and I of his); I thought we were keeping our eyes on the ball, trying to find a solution and be reunited in the same city but obviously his feelings about the situation changed.
My job allows me to spend 4-5 months/year plus long weekends with him (I go to city B approx twice/month). He did some commuting but I did most of it. Now he has forbidden me to come to our home in city B and he will not come here either.
H dropped the “I don’t know what I feel for you” bomb in late fall. I mishandled the situation—cried and was stunned; could not imagine how a husband who used to tell me “I love you” in his sleep, could just switch off his love like a tap, at will. In December I suggested MC, he agreed, which we continued in January over skype (video). This was not very helpful, as H seemed to get angrier, more resentful and colder.
H is suffering from depression, has started seeing an IC in January, tried 2 types of meds but had side effects and gave them up within a week. I don’t know if he is taking anything right now. There are also some childhood issues, as H lost his mom at 14, and a year later he felt he was losing touch with his father, who started dating a woman.
Mid January H visited and told me that during the first half of 2009 he started fantasizing about a coworker but after a while realized the appeal was only what seemed to be a “simple life”—coming home to find his wife there and have a quiet evening. Instead of telling me, he opened up about these issues to a female friend on the other side of the continent (by phone, and very rare meeting). I suspected EA, he claims there’s never been anything more than friendship. Now this female friend has pushed him back (which he was keen to tell me).
At the end of February H asked for a separation. By that time I had read some stuff online and a good book (Crumbling Commitment) and I understood that not pursuing and taking some distance can help and I agreed (despite being a total mess: crying daily, dry retching etc). Three weeks ago H asked for D. Question following in the next post:
Need help with communication/DB strategy: I thought I have managed to postpone D speech number 2, but it seems that I haven’t. For 10 days H has asked to “talk about our separation” and I have delayed, vanished from skype, responded to his emails and phone calls a day late. Still, today he asked again in an email when we are going to talk.
My IC suggested that I agree to talk with him and reinforce my two points: a) any serious relationship discussion should happen face to face (not on the phone or skype) (I have not told him this before, but I think it’s the minimum our 13-year long relationship deserves) b) at this point I am not prepared to agree to a divorce. I feel that we have not tried enough to fix our marriage and while he had time to think about this, I have not had time to process things.
Any suggestions on how to handle this would be much appreciated!
(Ugh, how do I get read of that smiley face? I am definitely not smiling now)
I am thinking of writing H an email along these lines:
Hi H, Yes, we can talk, but I would like to state a few things. First of all, I think that all serious relationship talk needs to happen face to face, not over the phone or the internet. We owe this to ourselves and the more than 13 years we have been together. This is too serious to treat casually.
Secondly, I hear you about your feelings regarding our marriage. And I have also expressed my opinion. I am not really sure what talking at this moment might achieve…
Take good care of yourself!
Fellow, DBers, any advice on this would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
I think requesting to talk face to face is reasonable. I've noticed in my sitch that texting and email and phone allows to keep the whole thing less "real" and at a remove and prolong it and deny it even in ways. Or so I think.
Yours is a difficult sitch because of the long distance. It's like your H agreed to something he couldn't handle. Sounds like he is not emotionally up for the challenge of long distance marriage maybe. That sounds tough in any situation but especially if H is depressed. Depression makes people feel neglected anyway. So distance on top of mood stuff seems like a recipe for disaster.
Of course, how would anyone know had you not tried? And economic reality and needing work is a fact of life. Sorry this is going on. Wish I had something more hopeful to offer. I do like that your H is looking for help and also knows that his interests were ways to escape his mood problems. That is a lot of acknowledgment.
On the other hand, he may not be able to live alone and handle it for whatever reason and maybe he feels deserted and abandoned even though he agreed to it. Who can say?
Like sure, I'm available to listen face to face when you're ready. When's a good time for you?
It says you're available to listen. It does not imply agreement. And it says you will only do it face to face. Maybe someone else has some other ideas.
I will also share that I've struggled between balancing IC advice, my own common sense, and DB advice. They are often three different opinions working there. ICs are always trying to get you to disclose and process. And when someone is setting their life up avoiding that, well. Good luck to you then! Also I've heard my same IC say it is pointless, in a sense, to even try if someone is too depressed. Then IC will during another visit urge me to do so. What?!?!
So for me it is hard to totally trust IC beyond a place to vent and get perspective on possible outcomes and how to handle them for me. Hope that makes sense.
Thanks so much for the advice, rr22! I agree with you that the phone and email approach makes the situation seem less real.
He does not know how to handle the long-distance relationship. And the sad thing is that he did not speak up when he started to realize that it's not working for him. Worse than that, this Feb when we were still discussing things, he said the distance is just one aspect and the emotional distance is the bigger problem. The way I see things, it's the other way round: being apart has contributed to our distancing.
In Feb he told his father that he wants to separate from me because he always felt that he was coming in second or third (after my work and my parents). Of course this is not the case and I love him above all, but I can see how this perception developed. He was not happy with me spending about 3 weeks each summer with my parents in Europe, but he never said that he felt abandoned or asked for us to spend that time instead vacationing together. He voiced some concerns about the money that I was spending on those vacations and I tried to make sure that I cut down on expenses, but he never explained the real issue.
And last year was a very tough one for me at work. I had to work a lot even when I was with him. he was very supportive but it seems that all that summer full of work took its toll. Now I have achieved a milestone at work, and I have failed at my marriage. It's devastating!
However, despite what he told his dad, he told me that our relationship has to end because he doesn't feel in love with me any more and it would be emotionally dishonest for him to stay with me and a source of unhappiness for me. Ugh! How can one argue with "I just don't feel in love with you anymore"...Of course, I know now that trying to discuss such things and offer hope does not achieve anything good. Learned that the hard way...
Thanks for the advice with softening the tone, rr22!
He has sent another email in reply, saying that we don't need to speak to resolve everything but would like us to communicate a bit. So I've agreed to a phone conversation for tonight.
I'll have to think about being a good listener. And making sure I don't choke on tears. He has told me he doesn't like it when I cry because it makes him feel bad for making me suffer.
4lc said: And last year was a very tough one for me at work. I had to work a lot even when I was with him. he was very supportive but it seems that all that summer full of work took its toll. Now I have achieved a milestone at work, and I have failed at my marriage. It's devastating!
