Confused and looking for advice

[hockeymom12]

I do not even know where to start. My soon to be ex husband (I guess not really sure what he is thinking), stopped talking to me just after x-mas, after 8 weeks of trying to figure it out and trying to get him to talk, he decided it was easier to move out, he has now been gone 12 weeks. We have been together 16 years, married for 11. The fact that he moved out floored me, we have 2 kids and I did not even know we were having problems prior to him not talking. Now he is not the best communicator and apparently this is the problem, he has kept stuff bottled up for a long time and he is now so angry he cannot even see us working on this. He will not go to marriage counselling and will not even talk about the situation. He has gone from I want a divorce, to there is hope, then to I do not want a divorce but I do not know if I will ever come home. He has encouraged me to buy a new place and move on and if he decides to come back in the future hopefully I will take him back but he just cannot deal with it right now. As of last week I gave him a letter cutting off all contact, we have spoken a bit since but I have told him again today to stop contacting me. Our son last night told him that since he has decided to not ever come home how about he just stay away from now on. As a father how can you hear that and not care enough to try and save a marriage that really had no big issues. We were best friends, rarely argued and just generally were happy, apparently though we put our kids first to many times and he feels like he does not love me anymore. I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this but basically just some thoughts, I am having a very hard time with having lost not only my spouse but my best friend and I just cannot seem to move on.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

HMom,

sorry your here, but the folks here ae helpful. Although everyones sitch is different the basics behind them are similiar.

Now he is not the best communicator and apparently this is the problem, he has kept stuff bottled up for a long time and he is now so angry he cannot even see us working on this

We were best friends, rarely argued and just generally were happy, apparently though we put our kids first to many times and he feels like he does not love me anymore.

I can relate to these staements. I was not a very good communicator but thought I was a good listener, my W thought she was a good communicator however she wasn't.

We rarely argued, she would tell me this and that and I said I'll change those things. I did for a little while but reverted back.
I never complained about her faults, I accepted them. I should have been more vocal with my feelings.

So what I'm saying is that not arguing is not a sign of happiness. Arguements are good if they are approach the right way.

Now he is not the best communicator and apparently this is the problem

Remember it take two to communicate, so think about how you communicated to him. Was your thoughts and feelings really registering? Just giving you a different perspective.

Are there any other outside influences here?
Other Woman(OW)?
Joblessness?
Depression?
MLC?


PLease tell us more about it.

It is very hard for you now, I have been there. I understand you want the family to remain intacted. As did I.
Right now, try to find a sitch that relates to you and follow it. Get the the book DR if you don't have it and start reading.
Don't let H know about the book either.

Words means NOTHING right now. It's all about your actions.

Focus on yourself. You are going to need all the strength you have to get through this.
TTYS Gr8

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like he's chemically affected, either by clinical depression, or another woman.

I suggest you take some steps to confirm, so you'll know what you're dealing with.

Puppy

[fudwoman]

Hi Hockeymom,
I can relate to some of your story as well. It's a very difficult thing to be put in limbo situation and feel in the dark about what's going on with the other person. I will reiterate what gr8 has said - the reality is that you can't crawl inside someone's head. The only thing you can do is become intimately familiar with your own process and try to figure out how you can find peace within yourself and create a better life regardless of what your spouse does. I think this is one of the most difficult challenges (aside from serious illness) that a person can tackle but I also believe it is likely the most rewarding. Try to hang in there and find all of the places where you can get support and reminders to keep doing what is in your (and your children's) best interest.

A

[hockeymom12]

There is no ow, this has been confirmed over and over. He is not a good liar and a very good friend of ours who is a marriage counsellor has asked him and he would not lie to him for sure, even to save face. He is not like that and I have to believe him when he says this is not what it is about. I agree that arguments are good and I should probably clarify something I would argue but he would never argue back, he would just walk away and let me think everything was fine, when it wasn't. I always communicated with him and truly believed that we were on the same page. He has admitted that if he had been able to open up sooner we would not be where we are now and is taking the full blame for that. I know that actions speak volumes and that words mean nothing as words have not gotten through to him, but my actions have not either. I am going to counselling to work on my issues as he requested, I have worked very hard on my faults and while it will take longer than 12 weeks to totally change my bad habits, he does not even see the small changes I have done. It is like he does not want to see them for fear that he will have to take the full blame for the breakup of our marriage instead of blaming it on me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

There is no ow, this has been confirmed over and over. He is not a good liar and a very good friend of ours who is a marriage counsellor has asked him and he would not lie to him for sure, even to save face. He is not like that and I have to believe him when he says this is not what it is about.

You're being naive.

If there is no other woman, he'll say there is no other woman.
If there IS another woman, he'll say there is no other woman.

ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD.

Now, I'm not saying he is or he isn't. All I'm saying, is:

1. He's displaying a lot of classic warning flags, and it would explain a LOT; and

2. You should verify it, and you DON'T verify it by ASKING THEM, because they will only lie to you.

People lie to their own counselors all the time. Please, BE CAREFUL.

Puppy

[hockeymom12]

How do I verify it? I have access to his email and cell phone and there is nothing. I know he is no longer in my house and I cannot verify his whereabouts anymore but prior he did not have time for an affair, we travelled to work together as we work at the same university, we would always be with one kid or the other running them around, there truly was no time. We would talk on the phone all the time, so while there might be someone now there wasn't before the break up of our marriage. Believe me if this is the case I want to know, I am not being naive, I just cannot find any signs of it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Does he KNOW you have access to his cellphone and e-mail?

Usually, there is a cellphone #2 (usually prepaid), and an e-mail #2 (usually web-based, like gmail or yahoo).

Do you know if he's ever asked a physician's opinion on whether or not he's clinically depressed?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hmom,

I always communicated with him and truly believed that we were on the same page.

This is a powerful word. This is your perspective on the interaction.
My W and I fit this to a tee, however she was the one who decided to leave.

When I recieved my bomb I thought and asked her if there was someone else. She said no, and I her mom and friend told me the same thing. I do remeber her telling me that she was receiving a lot of attention when she went out but always came home to me.
IMO altough there mey not be signs of OW there may be thoughts about OW, especially if he is unhappy and is receiving attention from someone.

My W says she didn't want to cheat on me while M. Her moving out and saying it's over justified her thoughts about the M being over, thus making her OK to se OM.
I am just giving you things to think about.

Puppy is so very good so please listen to him.

I have been here 8 months and seen and learned a lot too.

You said you both worh together so he has a job. Is he Depressed? Going through MLC?

[hockeymom12]

Unless he has a side job there is no way for him to have another cell phone, his current one is through work and since I still have all the access to his finances and I know what he is taking out of our account (believe me it is not alot) I would not know how he is paying for it, as for email I am aware that he could have other accounts and maybe he does but I will not know that until he comes clean. And no he does not have anothe bank account, I have always done our finances and his cheque goes into our joint account and every penny is accounted for, the joy of living paycheque to paycheque. He has not spoken to his physician that I know of, he would never accept this diagnosis. His theory would be that if his counsellor has not suggested this than he is fine. At this point he is just angry and wants out. I would not even be able to get him to see his physician at this point.

I think he is going through a MLC, however he might be a bit young for that. He laughs when I say this but I truly believe it. I would not be surprised if he was depressed as it does run in his family however getting him to admit it would be impossible.

I appreciate all of the responses.