One question: how do you know this child persona is 7 years old?
In part, it is because I am a mother, and recognize behaviors in children...the attitude problems, constant tattling, told me in part with what age child I was dealing.
This one, however, I DIDN'T see until I was ready to see it, and that was 9 months ago, now; he'd been around for a long time....as I was going through The Change, I was in NO shape to "see" anything...to busy struggling through, and it took ALL the energy I had to come through.
The other was the fact that he was 7 years old when his parents divorced, and there were leftover feelings within him for a deeper connection that never was with "mom"; apparently the bout with OW didn't help at all to settle this aspect of his desire to connect....though OW back in 2001 was an attempt to replay the connection with "mom" and breaking that connection in the "growing back up" process....settling some things but NOT others.
In 2002, he had "blocked" the 7 year old child of those issues upon exiting the tunnel then..it is very possible that was the child I was dealing with in the depth of his crisis, but I'm honestly not certain about that.
It seemed to be hid from me at that time, and I didn't see children very clearly until he arrived in Acceptance...then there were only TWO..a 4 year old and a 15 year old...behavioral aspects were observed, and my son saw them before I did.
As I dealt with my husband in later years, him being a 7 year old, I found he was very jealous of our son, and tattled on him every chance he got in an effort to get him in dutch, so my husband would get all the attention; it never worked...I seemed to always know what he was up to.
It was funny when he broke his ankle, his attitude was poor, son was taking care of him full-time for awhile, doing all he could do, and husband was STILL tattling on him..when I threatened to get us all together in a family conference, he backed off, not wanting me to talk to or confront son.
He KNEW he was WRONG and just running his mouth to see what "Mom" would do...as much as I tried to break him of seeing me that way...I wasn't able to.
The one thing I was certain of, in this extended period of crisis; was that I didn't have to worry about him leaving or threatening to leave...that major decision had already been made, and the only way he would have left was if I'd thrown him out...that was the only option for him; he will NEVER leave on his own....and I was/am as certain of that, as I am of myself..
I KNOW him well now, KNEW him then...have been with him so many years..that certainty is NOT arrogance..it DOES come from knowing your partner better than you think you do.
Our son had a sense of humor about it all, laughing about his dad tattling on him, but in a serious moment, he told me he was doing all he could do...I knew that.
The point is, if you pay attention to the behavioral aspects, you can pretty well tell what age they are acting out...certain behaviors show up at certain ages, and their past history, if you know it, will tell the tale of what happened to them.
There were times I felt pity for him, at other times, I wanted to wring his neck....and I'd have given anything NOT to have had to watch him go through this extended period, but again, everything happens for a reason.
Lord knows I'm not perfect, but I'm still here and that has to count for something..either that or I'm a glutton for punishment.
Hope that answered your question.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I wonder sometimes if I will ever learn from this MLC thing, because we have never been together long enough after he left not even in the same city......I dont know what age he has been thru or what age he is on.....maybe I am not suppose to know.....all I can remember is he was always mad...well I take that back there was a time about a year ago whenever we spoke he sounded like a child who was trying so hard not to get caught lying, sounded like a 12yr.old ...now he sounds so much like my husband. I think he still lies nothing is the truth anymore. but he sounds alot older than a yr ago.....
You're learning from this when you're learning about yourself.
Doesn't matter if you're interacting with him or not..this journey became about you when your husband put you on it.
Each person is different each MLC is different..but it's the journey and the end result that matter...not for him, but for YOU.
Don't worry about him...get on with your life AS IF he's not coming back..better days will come; they always do.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Things are continuing to progress along nicely between me and my husband..he's back working, but having to take it slow because of swelling in his ankle..I knew that would happen, but he had to find out for himself.
He's continuing to process, the ongoing changes in his attitude are nothing short of amazing...it seems that things are on an uphill swing for the moment. The ending of this phase/extended bout of crisis is very close, and life is what it is and will be.
I don't look for things to go backward...and unless he does a total 180 backwards, I'll not be posting another update on this.
Again, I'm thankful for all I've endured and learned during and from this event...the learning never stops; it continues throughout your life.
Much love to all, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
HeartsBlessing, I haven't yet posted my story and now I want to search for all your posts. I know it's been almost 20 years now since you first handled this with your spouse and then yourself. God works when He does. You are still helping people. This answer alone was 10 years ago now and it is helping me today. I have been struggling with letting God take care of my H. I need your words and yes, I'll look for others who share their journey. I am hoping I will have the courage to share mine and pray I get support and answers to keep going. The pain sometimes is unbearable. The mind takes over and wants to drown me in terror. I keep trying to let go. I keep trying to GAL. And detachment, well that's hard when you are living in the same home...
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
I'm sorry, she no longer posts here. Yes, she provided quite a bit of good info concerning her own crisis, as well as her husband's crisis. However, please keep in mind that timelines, descriptions of what she and her husband did, are just guidelines. Each person is different, i.e., personalities, childhoods and coping skills. So, please keep an open mind, observe, and continue to learn about MLC and depression. Depression is the main ingredient of a MLC.
As I posted elsewhere, please start a thread of your own so that we can assist you. I would also suggest that you continue to read the postings that others have posted. Some are new and traveling the same path as you and others have older postings that have lots of valuable information and sage advice.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
