Hello all. I've been posting in the newcomers forum, the link to my sitch is in my siggie.
Brief summary-- ~M going bad for three years; job loss, bankruptcy, H in college, my working full time, three small children = tons of stress ~MC with little results ~I got DB in 9/09, started GAL shortly thereafter (although I was still at the bottom of my priority list). H noticed, even commented that I had "this happy little life" without him. I told him I'd hoped he'd join me, it only started a fight. ~Continual decline until we had a huge fight & he moved out last month, claims I kicked him out. I don't think it matters, gone is gone. ~Tried to have an open line of communication with him, small talk, had a happy disposition, continue to GAL--all it did was make him angrier. ~Had big R talk yesterday, I gave him the four things I needed to see from him to know that he wanted to make this work, and the timeline in which I needed to see it. In six months I will file for D if he has not cared enough to do the things I need from him. Told him he was welcome to file sooner if he felt he didn't/couldn't work on our M. ~My needs were made known & new boundaries were set. ~We have now gone dark (with each other, I'm still in frequent contact with MIL--she is helping watch the kids)
There is so much more, but that's the Reader's Digest version of it.
I am reading DR right now, skipped right away to the MLC & cried all the way through. It is H to a "T".
I am still trying to understand that this has nothing to do with me, but although I *know* that, I still feel like he'd be happier if I'd done something differently. I really need to keep working on that.
So I'll be posting here for the next six months. Reading, following other's threads, gathering all the info on MLC I can get. I don't think that this M can be saved, but I'm not going to turn into that crazy stbxw. I want to be able to handle this with all the dignity I can muster. For myself & for my kids. And I can only do that if I can at least try to see where he is coming from.
I'll list the books I have to read ~DB (read) ~DR (almost finished) ~5 Love Languages ~The Care & Feeding of Husbands ~This Is Not The Story You Think It Is
Any advice, and I do mean ANY, will be appreciated. Any other books or links that you think I might benefit from, any words of wisdom.
I don't know if h can be saved, I'm trying to save myself now.
Thank you so much. I look forward to learning from you.
Last edited by shelbel; 05/12/1001:23 PM. Reason: typos
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I am sorry to read about your sitch. If the MLC stuff you have read describes your H to a T then you are in the right place.
A few things that I suggest you do..someone will probably send you links to a ton of MLC info. Read it. Re read it and then re Read it again.
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I am still trying to understand that this has nothing to do with me
This is going to take time but trust me this really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. What YOU do for YOU though is key.
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still feel like he'd be happier if I'd done something differently
He probably doesn't know what he feels right now but quess what...that should not matter to you. Everyone is going to tell you to FOCUS on YOU. Please listen to that advice.
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I don't think that this M can be saved,
Probably not the attitude to have at this point. R u sure you really feel that way - think about it and let me know.
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but I'm not going to turn into that crazy stbxw. I want to be able to handle this with all the dignity I can muster.
Sound good but it also sounds like you are defeated already.
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I'm trying to save myself now.
YES! This is a good mindset to have - very good.
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Any advice, and I do mean ANY, will be appreciated.
A couple of comments... 1) I am not nor are many of us professional therapist so realize that what I am giving you is my opinion. 2) Every MLC scenarios is different so some of the advice you recieve may not apply. You will need to sift through the advice you get and figure out what is really applicable to you. 3) This forum is a great place to "vent" and chat with people that are in similar spots. 4) Take you time when reading the advice. Really think about what people are saying...open yourself up. For me personally, these boards have been a life changing experience. It could happen to you but you really need to open up and explore yourself.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Your list of books is good to start with. I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
The first thing that jumps out at me is that you've set a deadline. MLC is a long process and it's not up to you when it's over. 6 months in MLC land is a short time so don't expect it to be over by then. Have you read the resources yet?
~He sees a Dr to get a physical exam & have his thyroid and free testosterone levels checked ~He get into IC and get on meds if they suggest he take them (the last one did & he didn't listen) ~He become gainfully employed. He measures his worth in monetary terms. ~He stops drinking and/or using drugs. Although he dienies drug use, it's in his history andIi don't think such a far flung possibility.
My boundaries include not calling me names, cursing at me, or otherwise berating me. I will end any conversation we are having the first time he does. Goodbye & click.
How'd I do?
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
~He sees a Dr to get a physical exam & have his thyroid and free testosterone levels checked ~He get into IC and get on meds if they suggest he take them (the last one did & he didn't listen) ~He become gainfully employed. He measures his worth in monetary terms. ~He stops drinking and/or using drugs. Although he dienies drug use, it's in his history andIi don't think such a far flung possibility
He has to figure some of this stuff out on his own. You are going to come across as his mother that he wants to rebel against. Once you read the resources, this will make more sense to you. I see a lot of what you want from him, but what do you want for you. What are your goals?
The first thing that jumps out at me is that you've set a deadline. MLC is a long process and it's not up to you when it's over. 6 months in MLC land is a short time so don't expect it to be over by then. Have you read the resources yet?
I have not read the resources yet, I saw them mentioned, but have yet to find them. Do you have a link for me?
The deadline is more for my peace of mind and wellbeing. I don't think I can stay in limboland forever. Filing isn't finished, but it will give me an ending point. Even if this M is over, I hope H can fix himself. Our kids need him & we will always have a bond because of them. I'd love to be able to parent them together.
But at some point I need to stop being a doormat. For H, I think the *six month* part tells him I'm serious. Even if the only thing he's done is started IC by then, then that is something & will be considered. But no action by him will warrant some action by me.
And if that is *completely* the wrong thing to do...then I'll be the first to say, "ummm...oops." But I've already said it, I'll have to stick by it. I just hope I don't have to.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Old Pilot put the links in an earlier post on this thread. Read everything that's there. It will give you some understanding as to what your H is going thru. It changed my mindset after I read them.
He has to figure some of this stuff out on his own. You are going to come across as his mother that he wants to rebel against. Once you read the resources, this will make more sense to you. I see a lot of what you want from him, but what do you want for you. What are your goals?
He kept saying that last night, that I had demands, what about his demands for me? I asked him what he thought I needed to work on. "Not being a bitch" is a pretty broad suggestion. Other than that he didn't have any. I'm not sure if he expected me to get angry that he might want something from me, but when I encouraged him to come up with something, he just balked.
And please remember that this was before I was 100% sure he was in MLC. I suspected, but I didn't know. Reading that section in DR & some of the threads here has changed my mind. I think he's in deep.
That convo started yesterday mainly as a W protecting herself from another onslaught of verbal abuse from her H. Before that I'd been full on DBing to the point that H was pissed off that I was "always happy" & he then went out of his way to hurt me more.
I don't get it. The things I listed were all presented in an "I need" manner, not "You will" or "I want you to". In the end he totally and completely holds the power here. i told him that when we started talking, there was a way home, it was up to him to take it.
Of course, knowing what I know now, I'm just going to hope it doesn't backfire. Can't take it back now.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
