WAS attitude upon return

[AtTheEnd?]

My sitch seems to be steadily improving although it's a continuous up and down thing. One that really gets to me is the attitude at times. The fact that my spouse feels as though she didn't have a part in the breakdown. She says how furious it makes her when I say that both of us had a part in getting us to this point (I know this is not the right thing to do when DBing). I fully acknowledge my part and the great majority of the responsibility in the breakdown, but there were two people involved, and that makes her so angry to think that. I understand she did everything she knew of to not get divorced, and that I was unresponsive. I just didn't understand or hear for whatever reason (typical WAW scenario).

Also, the way she thinks she know people and their motives. That she is some sort of wise individual. I'm not saying that she doesn't know, but to think that you know so much and that you don't need to learn any more about relationships is what is so disturbing.

I know that this isn't that uncommon for the WAS, but I was wondering how other people's experiences were. A friend keeps reminding me that the person you see today is not the person that will come back. What have others encountered here with their WAS?

[june72]

Hi,
No at first hubby owned up to very little and I would take my stand that we had equal ownship (not rant and rave, just point it out).
Eventually he has admitted that he was a major contributor. Lure them in and give truth darts. Either pride, foolishness or denial rules with them.
The message will get to them eventually if they want to reconcile. There can be no reconcilliation with out both people owning to their end eventually.
It should happen in the long run or you would have to question if this person is a person you would want to be with.

I think after my hubby had recommited, some time later he admitted ownship. This is after yeaas of stating that I am 100% of the problem, yes, years....

[AtTheEnd?]

Well, I guess that's what it boils down to, is this the person that I want to be with? I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't the person that will return. Eventually they will accept ownership for their part, but it may take a very long time.

[AtTheEnd?]

Anyone else experience this?

[Coach]

The fact that my spouse feels as though she didn't have a part in the breakdown. She says how furious it makes her when I say that both of us had a part in getting us to this point

That's how she feels, validate it. Those are her feelings. It's OK she is angry, it's actually good. Anger means she's still connected and cares, she's conflicted, and is seeing if you can stand it (testing you). You want her directing this at you.

the way she thinks she know people and their motives.

You changing causes her conflict.

Show her good behavior, a great husband, partner, lover, friend and have fun. My W felt challenged by my changes and growth, it's threatening to the status quo when someone changes dramatically. Neither one of us wanted to go back to the old M. Find solutions to keep moving forward. You can handle it.

Cheers

[AtTheEnd?]

Coach,

Thanks for the reply. She actually said that she likes the person that I have become, and that it bothers her that she doesn't feel attracted to me. It bothers her that she feels uncomfortable not when I give her a hug, but pick her up. She really moved towards me and didn't complain at first (liked it), but then I jumped the gun and she backed off. This is moving in the right direction, but I guess that I need to continue to DB.

It's confusing and harder now that I have hope. Same friend told me that she wants to lead a happy and independent life (will be a struggle to be happy). She will miss me in her life in the long run. Sure enough, Saturday conversation about what is attractive about her and well a good friend of ours, and the first thing out of her mouth was "independence".

As far as being the husband, partner, etc., all that I can be for now is friend. This is what she said and expected. She enjoys my company but isn't attracted to me. For the last year, I've worked so very hard on myself and I'm very proud of who I have become (although I have a long way to go). I've read so much material, worked out, changed hair styles, got a new wardrobe, whitened teeth.

She doesn't see a resolution to this other than divorce, and I try to tell her to have faith. I tell her that I believe she will regain those feelings with time. I told her that deep down she feels love for me, but it's not there at the moment. It will return. She was worked up by this point and said that a part of her will always love me, but thinks she has gone through too much to ever be intimate with me again. I should've said that I don't know how or when it will come together, but that I believe it will and we will know it when it does. I keep putting my foot in my mouth and doing dumb things now that I see a chance. It's killing me that I'm destroying this, and doing it to myself.

Suggestions?

[Coach]

I tell her that I believe she will regain those feelings with time. I told her that deep down she feels love for me, but it's not there at the moment. It will return. She was worked up by this point and said that a part of her will always love me, but thinks she has gone through too much to ever be intimate with me again. I should've said that I don't know how or when it will come together, but that I believe it will and we will know it when it does.

Stop telling her how she feels. It's controlling. What does she want?

she wants to lead a happy and independent life

Do you really love her? If so, give her what she wants with no expectations. Then watch the dynamic shift.

[lees]

Maybe stop chasing her with the 'we will work this out' type comments. Keep going with the improvements on yourself. Do you want to be just her friend? If not, don't be it.

[AtTheEnd?]

I told her only that one time, when I was on the spot. I knew it was wrong after, but I didn't exact realize why. She doesn't believe that it can work out, and wanted to know why I had faith. She was full speed ahead with the D, but stopped at some point. She says her anger is gone, but is wondering at what point we give up. She says that it's been a year, and when do we stop waiting for her feelings to change. I continue to be supportive and positive.

I did lose my cool a little bit and told her that she could file at any point. That I'm alright with it. She wanted to know why she has to make all of the hard decisions. I told her that she wants the divorce, not me. That she was alright with it before, why is it so hard now? Not the best way to end the conversation, although I did get a good point out, don't recall what it was. She was very nice that evening when I picked up the girls and was again on the phone today. It's a back and forth thing. I just keep going one day at a time, and try to give her every opportunity to salvage this.

I know that by giving her what she wants, out of the house, etc. isn't the best DBing tactics, but I was late to this site. I have tried to stay true to the principles of DBing, mainly doing what is right for myself and daughters.

Everything is trending in a positive direction, I just don't know how it can get past the last large hurdle that she sees before us (uncomfortable with touching me, sexual attraction). When I was paritally dark, it really drew her in after time, but now I've really jumped the gun.

Getting a new apartment, and having a third party babysitter's house for the summer will limit opportunities and may actually be a good thing. It will possibly make her wonder what is going on in my life. There also aren't any family holidays to worry about.

[AtTheEnd?]

Oh, she does use "our" and "we" now in sentences. Small change, and does talk about upgrading portions of the house with me. Not wanting to read into too much, but perhaps she does see a future with me but doesn't want to say it directly to me. All options are on the table, but one may be looking a little better, although yesterday's conversation was emotional and didn't help.

Learning the lesson of controlling emotions, and thinking before speaking. I'm getting better and better, but I'm not sure about what I can tell her and what I can't.