screwing up big time and need help

[elvencat]

Hi all. I've been a member for a few months, but haven't done much in the way of talking about things with anyone other than my therapist. I've read the book multiple times and yet I can't seem to stop myself from the begging, pleading, crying and general unwanted actions that drive him farther away.

Here's the story, if anyone can help me, I'd appreciate it:

DH and I have been together for 8 yrs, married for almost 6.
I thought we had a decent relationship until about a yr ago. I knew we were having problems at that point. I was depressed (on going issue - medicated for it) and having more problems than usual dealing with it. I was working a lot of hours as I'd just been made manager at work. DH was SAHD and was feeling left out of the social scene since I wasn't home a lot and he took care of the then 2yr old. Neither of us had a good friend support system.

Throughout last summer, DH was becomming more and more involved with an online community he had been a part of for years. During this time, he also reconnected with an "old friend" who he'd never been romantically involved with in the past. He started "hanging out" one night a week by meeting her at a restaurant. I trusted him and didn't complain at first, but then he started talking to her online at night instead of spending time with me when I got home from work. Well, same old story there, I got jealous demanded more time with him, he complained and I saw him even less.

The worst event before Bomb1 was, unfortunately, my birthday. I asked if we could, as a family, go to a nearby city and spend a couple days just the three of us during the weekend of my birthday. He at first said sure, so I started making plans because he's not a plan maker. Then a few days later, he asked if it could just be one night because he didn't want to spend two nights in a hotel with a 2yr old. I said, ok, so I made plans for one night. The day before we were supposed to go, he told me I'd bullied him into it and he didn't want to go at all, but because I'd already booked the hotel he didn't want to lose the deposit money. I was extremely hurt and yet tried to make the best of it. Only one of the activities I'd wanted to do happened. On the way to the hotel, we got a flat. DH got upset, said he just wanted to go to the hotel and rest. We didn't do anything else that day, and in fact he chatted on his computer and slept while I kept DD intertained all evening. We got up in the morning and he said all he wanted to do was get the tire fixed and go home. So, that's what we did.

Just a few weeks later, he was even more distant than before and I realized sommething was up, confronted him about it... and bomb1. I left for my mom's with DD and he called later that night to say he was wrong and asked me to come home. I later found out that he just couldn't stand that I'd taken DD away and according to him he didn't have any problems seeing me walk out the door, but it hurt too much to see me leaving with DD.

He promised to work on the relaitionship with me, but no therapists... no date nights... I couldn't ask for his time because he'd give me what wasn't allotted for other things.

In Feb. I finally told him I saw three options:
1. We work to make the marriage stronger and better together.
2. We stay together for the sake of DD with the understanding that's all that is expected.
3. We divorce like he originally wanted.

He thought about it and told me he liked being free to do his own thing and not feel "obligated" to keep me happy. He cares about me, but doesn't love me and feels it's pointless to work on the marriage when he feels there's no way he can be happy in it.

That was at the beginning of March. Just weeks after he told me he'd support me in leaving work to be a full time student to get my master's degree.

Due to our financial circumstances, I am still in the same house with him. I thought that this would make using the DB system so much easier because we were still in such close contact. I was so wrong. It just makes it that much easier for me to do all the things I shouldn't be doing because some days, it feels like we're still a couple and I start feeling jealous and resentful that he doesn't spend the time together with me that he used to. I finally broke down two nights ago and pushed him into telling me why he feels that trying to keep our marriage together is pointless. He finally reached his breaking point and told me that for nearly our whole marriage (?!) he'd felt that our relationship wasn't normal because I always got what I wanted and never considered his feelings in anything. I was shocked and wishing that I hadn't heard it after all. Then last night, after a Mother's Day spent without him (I went out with my Mom and Grandma instead) I had an emotional breakdown and tore into him about how unfair his comment was and why there were so many reasons he was wrong. He even has an important medical appointment coming up that he'd wanted me to go to because he wanted a "friend" to be there. I was so hurt that he wanted me there just as a "friend" that I told him he should ask his other "friend" because he spends more time with her these days than me. Today, I'm feeling remorse for the outburst and told him so, but he'd already taken me up on the suggestion and asked his "old friend" to go with him. Now I really don't know what to do. I feel so lost living with him, yet not being with him. Oh, and he also told me the only reason he's asked me to go out and do things with him lately is that he felt sorry for me and wanted me to know that he cares I feel lonely. (?!)

I really am at my wits' end. I hope someone can give me some suggestions on how to keep to the techniques without losing my cool and backsliding. I've done so much damage in such a short amount of time.

[CanadianKid]

Tomorrow is a new day, no point on focusing on whatever "damage" you may have done. We've all been there. Its just time for you to decide to stop the pursuing, pleading, relationship talks, and the outbursts.

Time for you to GAL and detach. If you are still the financial provider then the first thing that needs to go is the internet. Too bad, you will no longer finance his infidelity. Don't do his laundry, don't cook his meals, and most importantly don't react.

You can do it!

[elvencat]

Thanks for the vote of confidence! I need to hear something positive.

Unfortunately, I can't cut the internet. Here's the info on the living situation:

We have a basement apartment at his mother's house. (She loves me BTW and can't believe he wants me to go.. which means it's hard for her to stay neutral.) She pays for the cable/internet/phone because it covers the whole house, not just our apartment. She has another house that she's offered to let me live in practically rent free, but the previous tenants trashed it and it's taking a while for us to get things cleaned up enough to be liveable. H has his own set income because he's on disability for a mental health disorder. He's medicated and stable, but it's been hard for me to not blame the illness for this situation when that kind of thinking obviously does me no good. I am on leave from work at this point, so I don't have an income. I did this with the reassurance from H that we'd be ok living on my student loans and his SS payments while I finished my Master's. He and I agreed that I was way too stressed working full time and going to school. But now that leaves me with no income and with very limited funds. I really don't want to go back to the job I'm on leave from so I guess I'm going job hunting.

I thought it'd be better to wait it out and spend the time working on DBing, but I'm beginning to think I have co-dependent issues that I really need to work on before any good can happen. I'm even beginning to think it might be for the best if I do move into that house without him and see if working on myself, by myself, works more than living with him and being the pursuing, whining person I (and he) can't stand.

I want to be near him, but being near him right now seems to bring out the worst in me, which is bad because I always thought being near him put me in the best frame of mind. Even now he can make me laugh even when I'm so angry and hurt.

[CanadianKid]

If you stopped worrying about him and started taking care of yourself, what would you be doing differently than you are doing now? What would taking care of yourself entail?

[elvencat]

1. I guess I'd start by figuring out how to get a new income without stressing myself out so much that I get more depressed than I am already. I feel a little trapped without my own money and that can't be good.

2. Once I had my own source of income again, I'd get involved in activities that I haven't done in years since being involved with DD and working so much and going to school. I used to study martial arts and I miss that like crazy.

3. Having my MIL offer me the house is like a dream come true, and I'd work on making it _my_ home, not a rental, like I've had since moving out of my parents' house at 18. I have her approval to do almost anything I want, and I will.

Is that a good start? Or, should I be more specific?

[Hopeful728]

I think it sounds like you are headed in the right direction. It's very hard to focus on you when you've been so focused on him and the marriage for so long. I'm still struggling with that! Hang in there!

[elvencat]

Thanks Hopeful. I feel better today than I have in days. I have a clear idea in my head of what I need to do and now I just need to do it. It's so hard to not attack him and defend myself and beg and plead.

Actually, I did something this morning that I'm not sure if it was DB compliant, but it made me feel better. I told H that I was sorry for my outburst and that no matter who bad I was feeling I shouldn't have attacked him like I did. Instead of just leaving it at that, he said "yeah you were b**chy". I normally would have responded in kind, but instead I looked him straight in the eye and asked "do you agree I had a right to be?" He looked taken aback for a sec and then said, "yeah, but..." Before he could get out the but part, I said, "that's all I needed to hear" and I walked off.

Wow that felt good to get a validation from him that my emotions were not unfounded.

[elvencat]

I've noticed that this board tends to be kind of a blog of sorts for some, so I think I'll keep updating and then I can re-read and see where my attitudes and actions are getting me.

So tonight my H went to his friends' house. His friends, not mine, and in fact they encouraged him to leave me and were mad at him for staying last fall. I snooped last fall, and felt bad about it, but he wasn't telling me anything and I wanted to know.

Usually I complain to him that he is gone 3-4 nights a week and is on the computer the other nights and generally do all the pursuing I shouldn't be doing. So, today I did my own thing. Enjoyed our D, watched some tv, played with the pets, and spent time on the internet. H is used to me talking to him and trying to spend time with him until he goes out. I did none of that. Even when he asked me to (which he did), I explained I had stuff I'd planned to do while still being as pleasant as I could. If he talked to me, I'd joke back with him, but didn't try to keep things going. He seemed rather put out when he left.

So, is this how it starts? Tomorrow, I want to go out and do something, but I haven't figured out what yet. I just know I need to do something on my own.

[newmama]

Hi elvencat! Your plan on things to accomplish for yourself looks pretty good because those items will take a lot of time to accomplish...time away from focusing on your M or your H! Which is good!

Distract yourself...then pamper yourself...but always control yourself and NOT say the nasty things you want to even if they are true!

Ok I really want to assure you that anyone is capable of starting an EA if they don't stop themselves-mental disorder or not. So even though I wanted to diagnose my WH with some kind of depression, it turns out there doesn't have to be one for them to start an affair!

What are your sleeping arrangements like? Did I miss that?

[newmama]

So, today I did my own thing. Enjoyed our D, watched some tv, played with the pets, and spent time on the internet. H is used to me talking to him and trying to spend time with him until he goes out. I did none of that. Even when he asked me to (which he did), I explained I had stuff I'd planned to do while still being as pleasant as I could. If he talked to me, I'd joke back with him, but didn't try to keep things going. He seemed rather put out when he left.

SCORE!!!awesome job E cat! wow- you didn't sound like this was too hard for you...was it?