Long time since I've been here, I think I was last here right after New Years. DH and I were actually ML about once a week for a while there...during the months of Feb. and March. (I wonder if he made a New Years resolution or something?)
Anyway, now it seems we're back to square one. In April, both of us had a horrible time w/ pollen allergies. Then, I had both a root canal and a gyno procedure in the same week. Since I was away from work for 4 days and so much work piled up while I was gone, I got bad about getting home from work late again, and he got pissed off about that. And for the finishing touches, last week we went to the funeral of an uncle of his who committed suicide. Today is Mother's Day, and that's usually kind of rough for him since his mother died 6.5 years ago. On top off all that, he's had a stressful week at work and has another stressful week, starting tomorrow.
I was feeling neglected and sad and sorry for myself, and then today, we talked about all the things he's been feeling bad about lately (his uncle, Mother's Day, his work stress, and allergies.) The end result was me feeling like I'd been selfish and childish. So, now, for a couple of reasons, I have to try to back off from him again and not be clingy or needy or pester him.
He still talks about us retiring together, taking overseas trips together, etc. Either he really loves me and really wants to do those things w/ me (i.e., be in a long-term relationship with me) or he deserves an Academy Award. Meanwhile, here I am, once again wondering if I need to just mourn my youth and the end of my sex life, and then learn to accept being an old lady with a boring life who never gets laid. (Although I could do some innocent fun things w/ female friends, like travel with them, since DH never wants to travel.) You know - I have to get back to GAL and doing a 180.
Silly Old Bear, are you still out here somewhere? You were a good friend to me before - you had a lot of good advice. How about SSM or Lost&Confused?
Sorry, Margali, I don't know your back-story, but it sounds to me like you were expecting an awful lot out of what sounds like a very difficult period - lots of stuff happening there, none of which exactly scream "Let's have sex!" Don't know how "old" you are, but I doubt it's really time to hang up the sex life, especially since you want one. I'd say give it another few weeks and see if you can get back on track. I bet you can...
In reality, things changed, but only a little bit and now it sounds like you are back into an ofder rut, correct?
What you are asking for is "unreasonable" in that all the reasons ("being reasonable") and justifications for not being sexual just aren't good enough. And the question you are dealing with is "we both have our own series of issues. Is it 'fair' that one outweighs the other's?"
At least at some level, he has been willing to be sexual with you some of the time.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
I would say that there should be more hope than dispare.
He has been sexual with you up until recently.
He has remorse for his behavior and all the things that have overwhelmed him.
You have been part of the problem with w/ pollen allergies, root canal, a gyno procedure, and work-load issues.
He has said that he wants to retire, travel and grow old with you in a convincing way.
From the above, my suggestion would be to sit down with him, tell him that you love him, tell him that you miss the way things were in February and March, that you need sexual intimacy with him, and that you would like the two of you to try marriage counseling (my suggestion is a Board certified a sex therapist) so that you can regain what you had earlier and find out what the issues were that seem to be getting in the way of your relationship.
Good luck to you, it sounds like you are very close to achieving what you need.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Tim - I'm 46, he's 51. And I know that part of the problem is that I tend to view sex as "good for whatever ails ya." When I'm stressed out, unhappy, etc., I want sex for comfort. I know that for a lot of people, that's the LAST thing they want. Who knows what they use for comfort, but it isn't sex. And I just have to adjust to that, if I want to keep this relationship.
"What you are asking for is 'unreasonable' in that all the reasons ('being reasonable') and justifications for not being sexual just aren't good enough."
Maybe you're right about this. See my reply to Tim - I am one of those people who takes comfort from sex, DH is not. As usual, the one who wants it is the one who has to adjust.
"And the question you are dealing with is 'we both have our own series of issues. Is it "fair" that one outweighs the other's?'"
That's a very good question, and there are some things going on in our lives out of bed that feel unfair to me. For instance, his whole attitude about my job. I need the health insurance and the retirement savings and we both need my paycheck - and in this economy, I feel lucky to have a job at all. I deal with disturbed people and a local court system, and sometimes I have to do things that can't wait till the next day. We're down a person in my office, so we're all overworked. Now you get a clearer picture of what I'm dealing with at work.
He, OTOH, has a much less stressful job, closer to where we live, w/ a much bigger paycheck. His first wife was a SAHW (and they didn't even have any kids!! the b*tch just didn't want to work) and ran up huge credit card bills that he's still paying off. That's why we can't have real vacations, etc.
He's persnickety about how clean the apartment is, and does most of the housework. I am not exactly the domestic type and he knew this before we moved in together. I made a point of telling him not to expect much in the way of housework. I work 40, 45, sometimes 50 hours a week in a very stressful job and I'm just not as nit-picky as he is. I know he doesn't like it, but tough titty. Even if I had a less stressful job or didn't work, I still doubt if my housekeeping would be up to his standards. I don't think I'm a slob, I'm just not as fussy as he is.
And, he wants me to come home on time from work, but then when I am home in the evenings, he spends half the time in the other room in front of his computer and the other half in front of the TV set. Why do I have to be home, if he doesn't want to do anything *with* me?
I hope you're right. When we talked the other day and he mentioned all the things that were bothering him lately, I felt bad (like I said, childish and selfish.)
But sometimes I can't help feeling like he wants me around when *he* wants me around - resents my job, for instance; interrupts me when he can see I'm reading a book - but then when *I* want *his* attention, "that's different".
One of the most significant things that helped me understand my wife and make her feel loved to the point that she could open up and love me, was my reading and re-reading the book by Chapman the Five Languages of Love.
One of the things that I learned was that for over 38 years my wife and I had been telling each other several times a week and almost daily how much we loved the other, but in a way that the other did not comprehend as a message of love. I would show her how much I loved her by touching her, which she interpreted as being constantly pawed. She would show me her love by acts of devotion, which I though were just a division of household chores or male/female roles.
Some of the classic examples are that for some men to feel loved, they need to have a woman who is home when they get home and who has prepared dinner for them. My surprise was that my wife, showed me her love by arranging her work schedule so she could get home before me and have a hot dinner waiting for me when I got home. I use to wonder why when I got home late she would yell and scream at me. I finally understood, that my not being home when she had worked to show me her love, felt like sexual rejection. It was a slap in the face that said I didn't value you gesture of love that she worked so hard at. It was something she had seen as a way that her parents interacted and was a part of "marriage."
The point of this is, that your post has a number of things in it which may provide you with clues to your husband's languages of love. He likes you to be home when he gets home. Even though he doesn't interact with you, his coming home may be how he says he loves you and how he expects you to tell him that you love him. It may have nothing to do with your interacting or giving each other attension. You need to figure out how your husband tells you he loves you as it is likely how he needs to be told by you that you love him, even if you have a different language of love.
I really suggest that you might want to investigate the book.
Each day I work to do several things in my wifes two primary languages of love (quality time and acts of service/devotion) to make her feel loved. She feels so loved that she is working to make me feel loved in the way that I need, which is through touch and words of affirmation.
Good luck to you.
Last edited by Young at Heart; 05/11/1011:45 PM.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
