I love my H and want to make it all work, but he just doesn't seem to see what the problem is. I mean he knows I'm unhappy, and he even cried about how unfair he's been to me, but he won't change.
He doesn't touch me, and it's killing me inside, and he knows it, and he does nothing.
I have been GAL for a while now, several months, not pursuing, though I have had a few slip-ups as far as bringing up R talk, but our lease was up and I wanted to get out soooo bad and go on living my life happily instead of endlessly waiting for him to come to me.
We signed another 6-month lease, even tough I feel tortured, and I told myself I'll be happy by then with or without him.
The thing I'm confused about is that I'm the one trying to keep this all together, working on DBing, and at the same time I'm the one who has one foot out the door. I would leave today if I were financially stable.
I find myself thinking I'd have an affair if the opportunity presented itself, but it's not that I want other people, because I'm really not attracted to anyone but my H. I just want to be touched and loved so bad.
I can't even watch shows where there are love scenes because I get mad and resentful. Why do they get to be happy and have sex and love? why not me? Why am I STUCK here?
But anyway, GAL has been good for me, but it seems to be sending the message that everything is ok and he's doing everything right.
welcome and sorry you are here. my h didn't touch me for three years and then decided to start touching someone else. turns out, he'd been mourning a death of a person he never told me about. is there something in his life causing him stress? Work? family? loss of a loved one? do you think he is depressed? all those could be signs of lost interest in sex. don't cheat. as the victim of a cheating spouse, please please don't allow this to happen to you. I know you are frustrated. i was frustrated too. get a vibrator. book massages regularly. make sure you are getting lots of hugs from same sex friends. find a healthy outlet for your sexual frustrations. pain beats regret every day of the week and twice on sundays. an affair is never the answer. I can't even begin to describe the level of pain i've been suffering since my h affair. MWD has a book called the sex starved wife. That might give you some more ideas on how to rekindle that desire with your h. best wishes in your struggle.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Hi starvingartist, Sorry you find yourself here. I'm in a fairly similar situation to you, and my heart goes out to you. My H and I have been emotionally distant, and very little physical affection for years; very little sex for years (only 3x since last summer - two were train wrecks). It's just in the last year or so I've finally woken up to how badly it's affected me, and am trying to change the marriage. I too have thought about the possibility of an affair, in fact there's a man I'm interested in (I don't think he returns the feelings but am not sure); I'm trying to stay away from him though. Just confuses me further when I'm around him. Tell me more about your sitch - how long have you been married, how did this all start etc. I know exaclty what you mean about being the one trying to keep it together, while at the same time having one foot out the door. Too well. It is an awful feeling isn't it. I know too, what you mean about GAL being good for you but sending the 'ok' message to him. Are you guys in counselling?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
There's a link up there ^^ to my first original post that has more details, but basically we've been together three years and sex and intimacy has been very seldom since the beginning, about once a month. It has always been frustrating, but usually just enough to make it worth it.
But lately, the last four months or so, he has been very very distant. It's true he is depressed lately, and he goes through this every once in a while. He has an appointment with a therapist on Thursday, which is a big step for him.
I'm not going to cheat. I feel like I'm more likely just to shut off my feelings for him and leave. All the love and affection just bounces off him and falls on the floor. I'm getting to the point where I have very little love left for him and I just want to leave.
Sexual frustration is only a small part of it. I don't need that much sex. My vibrator does not hug and kiss me and make me feel appreciated either. Hugs from friends just make me feel better about leaving because I'll have support.
GAL is making me happier, but it also makes me feel more empowered to leave.
I went dancing last night, which really boosted my confidence because there was no shortage of men giving me attention. I actually felt like a hot chick, even though I was just wearing a t-shirt and jeans. For the past 3 years I have felt ugly, boring, fat and ignored.
I know I didn't do anything wrong. Just some innocent dancing and talking to guys I didn't find particularly attractive. No phone numbers or even flirting. But I still feel guilty for letting other men boost my ego.
Came home and went to bed next to H. He doesn't even cuddle anymore. I got a peck on the cheek this morning.
Why is he even still with me? I have given him every opportunity to leave if he doesn't love me anymore, but he always asks me to stay and stick it out until things get better. I feel like he is using me for my money and my car.
Holy cow starving, I only had time to skim through your history (have to leave for a meeting shortly) but I'm very concerned for you! These posts really caught my eye in your old sitch-
Originally Posted By: starvingartist
He doesn't say hurtful things or pick fights ever, never has. He is just a brick wall. He ignores me. It's like I don't even exist and if I told him I was leaving, he would just say ok.
I can't tell if he's being passive aggressive here or if he's shut down. However, how do you feel about that... that you're trying to have a relationship with someone who could let you walk away so easily?
Originally Posted By: starvingartist
How do I create a situation where I keep up with my 180s and learn how to love him in his way, and at the same time make a boundary where I'm not being put in danger of losing my car, my apartment or my health?
Wow. That's quite a statement. I don't know about you, but I think I'd have a tough time loving someone in ANY way, who makes me feel like I could lose my car, my home and my health. I'm sorry to be blunt but I fear you're being taken advantage of. I hope I haven't misconstrued anything?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Yes, I think so too. I'm like a sugar mama but without the sugar.
He's not one to be passive/aggressive, and I do believe the depression has shut him down. He seems to be feeling a little better the last couple of weeks, but I really don't know if that's going to translate into any improvement in our R.
